What happens when you get more money?
Peace, happiness, contentment...
Not always. Can you say decision overload syndrome. While we would all love to believe that having more money solves all problems, more often than not it does not. Believe it or not, having more money can mean more work.
As we have access to more money we have more decisions to make. Remember the good old days in college when you only had $100 in your bank account. What did you do for dinner? Probably the cheapest pizza you could find.
There are different ways in which people's wealth increases and depending on the path it can have a big impact on how they relate to wealth.
Here are four broad pathways that people enter into wealth
1. They earn it - in earning it this may happen over a life time of slow and steady saving, professional advancement, or successful business.
2. They marry into it - this does not mean they married for money, but perhaps they married someone one socio economic level up.
3. They inherit it - a family member leaves behind an unexpected lump sum of money.
4. They are born into it- the parents create wealth while raising their family and the children grow accustomed to a certain life style.
Along each pathway there are many different intersections, unique characteristics that come along with the wealth that an individual lives with. Yet each of the these paths is not equal in helping someone live well with wealth.
There is a real challenge to living well with wealth. The more money that you have, the more decisions that you are responsible for either directly or indirectly. By indirect decisions I mean that you hire other people to help you make financial decisions. Which is a big challenge. If you have ever had to hire someone for anything, then you can appreciate the difficulty in trying to hire the right person to help you with your wealth.
For those people who create wealth for themselves over a longer period of time they have a chance to learn many important lessons about managing and maintain financial resources. Compared to the person that comes into wealth, where they have had no chance to develop the necessary skills to manage wealth well.
Living well with wealth is a skill and one that is refined over time. Imagine being dropped in a new country that you have no knowledge of and you are told to live well there. What would you do? Which rules would you play by, chances are you do not know the rules. Is it going to take you some time to learn the rules of the land? Absolutely. This too is true of living with wealth.
As we think about the path to living well with wealth, it is one that takes time, maturity and relationships to master. Living well in life can not be done alone. Remaining open and willing to learn about what it means to live well with your level of wealth will depend on your perspective. Take time to slow down and think about where you need to grow in order to live well with your wealth.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Saving Financial Face
We implicitly know and experience pressure to use our money in certain ways. If we don't behave in expected ways we anticipate experiencing a wide range of "negative" emotions. Instead of facing the emotions head on, we save financial face.
The reality is that we all have unspoken rules about how we are supposed to use money. Have you ever been sitting in church and felt obligated to put money in the offering plate, because the person next to you did? You think to yourself, what would they think if I don't drop something in the plate.
Or what about being out to eat with a group of friends. Everybody is ordering drinks, appetizers, entree's and deserts, but you don't want all that. At the end of the meal you feel the pressure to split the check evenly, when all you wanted was an entree. Our families are often another area where we feel it is necessary to save financial face. Can you say Christmas. Perhaps you are expected to pay for meals, vacations, clothing, health care, etc. because you have the good job, you are the father, you are the fill in the blank.
Depending on our role in family, marriage, and friendship, defines many of the decisions we ultimately make the the money that is within our control.
Other common places that we feel the pressure to save financial face include the membership at the country club, health club, swim club, children's sports, gymnastics, kids birthday parties oh and the list can go on for ever. The reality is that we get sucked into social relationships only to learn later that there are many more expectations on how we act and spend money than we had originally expected.
One of the classic examples is moving into a nicer neighborhood. The young couple is so proud that they got to buy their forever home. They tell themselves that they will keep it simple, they won't try to keep up with the Joneses, but those empty rooms yearn for filling and so before long the young couple is of to the furniture store, and not just any furniture store. One of those nice furniture stores. You know where the "good" stuff is.
So where, when, and what makes you feel like you have to save face financially? Have you taken the time to think about this. Have you taken the time to talk with your spouse about what situations make you feel uncomfortable and yet you still go with the flow.
We may never fully free ourselves from the situations that are going to evoke a desire to save financial face, that is without holing up in our house, not interacting with anyone, or ever going to the store. So what are we to do? First we need to increase our awareness around what makes us feel financial pressure.
The long term strategy is to work on our sense of maturity. This is really easy to say and often hard to do. Those people that I have met that are mature and have a healthy sense of themselves, also express low levels of pressure to save financial face.
If you are ready to say no to saving financial face, and yes to keeping your financial priorities then try saying no to a request of you to spend money. The response might just surprise you.
The reality is that we all have unspoken rules about how we are supposed to use money. Have you ever been sitting in church and felt obligated to put money in the offering plate, because the person next to you did? You think to yourself, what would they think if I don't drop something in the plate.
Or what about being out to eat with a group of friends. Everybody is ordering drinks, appetizers, entree's and deserts, but you don't want all that. At the end of the meal you feel the pressure to split the check evenly, when all you wanted was an entree. Our families are often another area where we feel it is necessary to save financial face. Can you say Christmas. Perhaps you are expected to pay for meals, vacations, clothing, health care, etc. because you have the good job, you are the father, you are the fill in the blank.
Depending on our role in family, marriage, and friendship, defines many of the decisions we ultimately make the the money that is within our control.
Other common places that we feel the pressure to save financial face include the membership at the country club, health club, swim club, children's sports, gymnastics, kids birthday parties oh and the list can go on for ever. The reality is that we get sucked into social relationships only to learn later that there are many more expectations on how we act and spend money than we had originally expected.
One of the classic examples is moving into a nicer neighborhood. The young couple is so proud that they got to buy their forever home. They tell themselves that they will keep it simple, they won't try to keep up with the Joneses, but those empty rooms yearn for filling and so before long the young couple is of to the furniture store, and not just any furniture store. One of those nice furniture stores. You know where the "good" stuff is.
So where, when, and what makes you feel like you have to save face financially? Have you taken the time to think about this. Have you taken the time to talk with your spouse about what situations make you feel uncomfortable and yet you still go with the flow.
We may never fully free ourselves from the situations that are going to evoke a desire to save financial face, that is without holing up in our house, not interacting with anyone, or ever going to the store. So what are we to do? First we need to increase our awareness around what makes us feel financial pressure.
The long term strategy is to work on our sense of maturity. This is really easy to say and often hard to do. Those people that I have met that are mature and have a healthy sense of themselves, also express low levels of pressure to save financial face.
If you are ready to say no to saving financial face, and yes to keeping your financial priorities then try saying no to a request of you to spend money. The response might just surprise you.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
The Damage of Shock and Awe
Last night I watched a few minutes of The Biggest Loser and while admittedly I used to enjoy the show and think that what they where doing for people was really tremendous, I now have my doubts. In the last three years I have learned a tremendous amount about how people change and make change last over time.
In our culture we celebrate shock and awe, pull your selves up by your boot straps, and 5 steps to change your life. While these tactics work in the short run, they seldom leave the person in a better place in the long run. At the core, these methods use guilt, shame, and coercion to get people to do what they "should" do. Why are they so popular, because they get results quickly. Which is what so many of us are hungry for, yet what we don't see after the entertainment of watching someone being radically changed, is them slipping back to their old ways often coming in the forms of rebellion.
The real process of change for the positive is a long and slow one, seldom with quick and obvious signs of change. Yet over time, real transformation begins to emerge. This type of transformation comes from internal motivation for change, change that can not be imposed from the outside, but rather can be facilitated by a trained professional who is truly vested in the best interest of the person desiring help. Being able to help people change is hard nuanced work. It can be painful and slow for the facilitator of change, but when they are able to stay in the process and walk alongside, not in front of or behind the person desiring change, then lasting change can begin.
How do I know all of this is true, well sure I have read loads of books about it and earned two masters degrees, but this is not what helps me know about the change process most, rather it is my personal experience of growth. I have experienced both the shock and awe methods of change, as well as facilitated change. The lasting change in me, that leaves me feeling deeply stable and secure has come out of facilitation, not a process of I know what is best for you.
I have only begun to realize my own internal motivation for change, and while sometimes it has not always come out of proper motivation, it has been the strongest propeller of change. Fourteen years ago, I could not have ever imagined having two graduate degrees and one advanced professional certification. The change has been long, slow and difficult, it has had moments of triumph and utter despair, but I am a different person. A person who is well equipped to help others make lasting change. Am I am done in the growth process? Not a chance. There is still much to learn, and I know that it will be a life long journey that no six week program is going to satiate.
When we only look at growth or change as a six week program, or five step plan we are destined to frustration and despair. While those programs can serve as catalysts for moving forward, they alone will not sustain your growth. Your desire for growth and change must come from within.
In our culture we celebrate shock and awe, pull your selves up by your boot straps, and 5 steps to change your life. While these tactics work in the short run, they seldom leave the person in a better place in the long run. At the core, these methods use guilt, shame, and coercion to get people to do what they "should" do. Why are they so popular, because they get results quickly. Which is what so many of us are hungry for, yet what we don't see after the entertainment of watching someone being radically changed, is them slipping back to their old ways often coming in the forms of rebellion.
The real process of change for the positive is a long and slow one, seldom with quick and obvious signs of change. Yet over time, real transformation begins to emerge. This type of transformation comes from internal motivation for change, change that can not be imposed from the outside, but rather can be facilitated by a trained professional who is truly vested in the best interest of the person desiring help. Being able to help people change is hard nuanced work. It can be painful and slow for the facilitator of change, but when they are able to stay in the process and walk alongside, not in front of or behind the person desiring change, then lasting change can begin.
How do I know all of this is true, well sure I have read loads of books about it and earned two masters degrees, but this is not what helps me know about the change process most, rather it is my personal experience of growth. I have experienced both the shock and awe methods of change, as well as facilitated change. The lasting change in me, that leaves me feeling deeply stable and secure has come out of facilitation, not a process of I know what is best for you.
I have only begun to realize my own internal motivation for change, and while sometimes it has not always come out of proper motivation, it has been the strongest propeller of change. Fourteen years ago, I could not have ever imagined having two graduate degrees and one advanced professional certification. The change has been long, slow and difficult, it has had moments of triumph and utter despair, but I am a different person. A person who is well equipped to help others make lasting change. Am I am done in the growth process? Not a chance. There is still much to learn, and I know that it will be a life long journey that no six week program is going to satiate.
When we only look at growth or change as a six week program, or five step plan we are destined to frustration and despair. While those programs can serve as catalysts for moving forward, they alone will not sustain your growth. Your desire for growth and change must come from within.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
FOMO with Marriage and Money
A new wonderful term has entered my language that I learned while talking with another friend of mine. The term is FOMO. Have you heard of it? I hadn't either. So what in the world is FOMO? It simply stands for Fear Of Missing Out. As soon as FOMO was stated word for word, I instantly new what my friend was talking about. What a simple way to describe the way that we often feel about many different subjects in our life.
Sadly we all get sucked into the pressure cooker of life and become convinced that if we don't participate in certain things, that we will certainly be missing out. To not have, or not be something in our culture generates loads of fear. When we stop and think about it, our FOMO is often not based in reality, but rather perception.
What do you fear missing out on in your marriage?
What do you fear missing out on with your money?
These two simple questions likely have very deep and personal responses behind them. Don't miss out on the opportunity to reflect on these questions. What do you really fear missing out on? Where have these ideas come from? Don't miss that it could be multiple sources of influence, so don't just stop at one. Rather keep digging to determine why you fear missing out. The next step is to evaluate what causes you to maintain this fear of missing out. Perhaps it is your family, friends, faith, or the media you consume.
The reality is that fear is a powerful motivator, it is said to be the most powerful motivator. Robert Wilson on his Psychology Today article talks about why fear is so powerful. What can we do to combat FOMO's suffocating effects on our life? First let's start out with how it develops. Early in life we learn through experience about fear as a motivator. Have you ever had your parents threaten to take away your desert privileges if you don't eat your vegetables? For many children these early fear based tactics teach the powerful motivation of FOMO. When used over and over again we become desensitized to the use of fear for motivation.
From parents, to adolescent friends, and all too powerful marketers we learn to fear missing out, not being a part of the "in" crowd. Whoever is in a position of power communicates in subtle and not so subtle ways that others may be missing out. Can you say HGTV. Sure is it entertaining to watch some couple go from renovation disaster, to total makeover. But it gets the gears turning that we might be missing out on renovating our own home.
What about your marriage? Have you ever seen the sandals resort commercial, man after I see one of those, I totally feel like I am missing out on the time of my life with my wife.
Don't take me the wrong way, there is a time and place for both home renovations and vacations with your spouse. FOMO becomes a problem when we are consumed by it, which then impacts our ability to save for other priorities, or to simply enjoy the company of our spouses.
Overcoming FOMO starts with one question. What is important to me? Then allowing the answer to the question develop over a period of time and reflection. While books, magazines, shows and blogs, may give you loads of ideas, the reality is that your authenticity will show best when it comes from personal reflection. First looking within and to God will help you determine what is most important.
Sadly we all get sucked into the pressure cooker of life and become convinced that if we don't participate in certain things, that we will certainly be missing out. To not have, or not be something in our culture generates loads of fear. When we stop and think about it, our FOMO is often not based in reality, but rather perception.
What do you fear missing out on in your marriage?
What do you fear missing out on with your money?
These two simple questions likely have very deep and personal responses behind them. Don't miss out on the opportunity to reflect on these questions. What do you really fear missing out on? Where have these ideas come from? Don't miss that it could be multiple sources of influence, so don't just stop at one. Rather keep digging to determine why you fear missing out. The next step is to evaluate what causes you to maintain this fear of missing out. Perhaps it is your family, friends, faith, or the media you consume.
The reality is that fear is a powerful motivator, it is said to be the most powerful motivator. Robert Wilson on his Psychology Today article talks about why fear is so powerful. What can we do to combat FOMO's suffocating effects on our life? First let's start out with how it develops. Early in life we learn through experience about fear as a motivator. Have you ever had your parents threaten to take away your desert privileges if you don't eat your vegetables? For many children these early fear based tactics teach the powerful motivation of FOMO. When used over and over again we become desensitized to the use of fear for motivation.
From parents, to adolescent friends, and all too powerful marketers we learn to fear missing out, not being a part of the "in" crowd. Whoever is in a position of power communicates in subtle and not so subtle ways that others may be missing out. Can you say HGTV. Sure is it entertaining to watch some couple go from renovation disaster, to total makeover. But it gets the gears turning that we might be missing out on renovating our own home.
What about your marriage? Have you ever seen the sandals resort commercial, man after I see one of those, I totally feel like I am missing out on the time of my life with my wife.
Don't take me the wrong way, there is a time and place for both home renovations and vacations with your spouse. FOMO becomes a problem when we are consumed by it, which then impacts our ability to save for other priorities, or to simply enjoy the company of our spouses.
Overcoming FOMO starts with one question. What is important to me? Then allowing the answer to the question develop over a period of time and reflection. While books, magazines, shows and blogs, may give you loads of ideas, the reality is that your authenticity will show best when it comes from personal reflection. First looking within and to God will help you determine what is most important.
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