Understanding Family History's Role in Our Financial Lives

"Let's go to the zoo today," Sally told her husband Dan. "The weather should be fine, and the kids will have a great time seeing the many different animals." 

Sally and Dan get the kids loaded into the car and head off for the zoo. An hour later they are at the entrance to the zoo with their three excited kids in tow. They start off with high hopes and aspirations, but quickly become embroiled in an emotional nightmare. At the ticket window Sally asks Dan if they can spring for the all-access pass, which includes entry to the zoo plus provides access to the many different activities that are located inside that would normally be additional charges. With a slight look of disgust, Dan looks back at Sally and says, "Oh, fine."

Sally and Dan enter the zoo with their kids continuing their good time where they enjoy looking at the monkeys, giraffe, and lions along the way. After a few fun hours the kids are getting hungry and Sally and Dan are ready to sit down. The kids all clamor to get the souvenir cups with the funny animal heads, while Dan insists on just getting the kids the regular cups for drinks. As they all sit down for food the three kids look across to see the gift shop and start in with, "Dad, we want ..." You know the rest. After lunch and with some persistence, Sally bends in with the kids and says, "Oh come on, Dan. Let's let the kids get a special treat." To which Dan quips back, "This whole day has been a special treat!"

By this time you are starting to get a picture of Dan and Sally's life. While this is a story about their trip to the zoo, the reality is that their pattern of interaction persists over many of life's situations. Sally wants to give the kids as many rich experiences as possible, while Dan seems like he does not want to indulge the kids in all of their desires. Reading this story will evoke certain emotions:

What do you think of Sally? Why?

What do you think of Dan? Why?

What do you think of their kids? Why?

As you reflect on your answers to these questions, you will start to become aware of your own rules about the way money is used in your life. Day in and day out we live with our spouses and we both have many unwritten rules about the way that we should spend, manage, and organize around money. This is called our family financial system, which is less about the actual amount of money we have access too, and more about who says and does what with the money. At a deeper level this is a reflection of the way family dynamics play out and the way power is dispersed throughout a family.

Frequently, not spouses/parents' financial values are not in alignment. Often there is actual disagreement between the partners. The ways in which couples go about addressing these differences can vary, but the reality is that there is a big opportunity for couples to begin building financial intimacy in their lives. Financial intimacy is being known at a deeper level about why we hold the values that we do. I work with many couples who can pretty easily predict their spouse's spending patterns, which they take issue with. But at a deeper level it's not the spending patterns that they're taking issue with, but rather the values that those spending patterns communicate between spouses, kids, and their community.

In Dan's family that he grew up in he often heard his dad say, "Modesty is a necessity." Which Dan internalized to mean that splurging beyond the basics of an experience is unacceptable. So Dan felt the trip to the zoo was betraying one of his family rules about splurging by getting the all-access pass, fancy souvenir cups and a gift from the gift shop. It was all too much.

On the other hand, Sally grew up the youngest of two girls. Even though her father earned a very modest living, he lavished his girls with gifts -- even when he didn’t have the money to pay for the presents.  and her father even though he made a very modest living, lavished his girls with gifts. Even when her father did not have the money to pay for those types of items.

So now as Dan and Sally go through their married life, they continue to replay out the messages about money and how it is to be used within their families. The reality of Dan and Sally’s finances is that they are in a financial position where they can afford to spend the "extra" money at the zoo and it will not negatively impact their family finances. When they slow down long enough to recognize the pattern they're in and give credence to their own respective experience of how their fathers spent money, they will have a much better sense for the source of their comfort and can find new ways of relating to each other that make sense for their family. But without taking the time to understand the connection between the past and present, they are doomed in the future to keep repeating the same problems over and over again.

Beyond Budgets: Redefining Spending Problems

So you’ve heard that someone you know may have a spending problem. You might even think you have a slight spending problem yourself. What is the first thing that you think they (or you) need to do to get back on track? Responses I commonly hear revolve around getting on a budget or pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. 

The problem is we can’t assume they know how to budget, or that they’ve already tried and failed to stick to a previous plan. Many times it’s something else.

We know that willpower is not the strongest of brain functions and neurological research is continuing to affirm this. 

Which leads to another assumption, that overspending is a behavior issue and can be modified through behavior modification. Not always.  

When overspending isn’t fixed through simple budgeting, it communicates that there’s something more at play. So what is it that goes into the problem of overspending? 

The definition of overspending is often too narrow. For our purposes, I will defining it as buying more disposable goods and services then one currently has money for. See, we can overspend on services like health care out of necessity.

Overspending may be traced through at least these different areas for resolution: 

Personality Type – Some people live in the present without much future orientation. They are intuitive, living and making judgments based on senses and feelings. These kinds of people may be less likely to rely on and stick to a budget since that’s not the way they naturally process information. 

Family of Origin - Each of our families strongly influence the way that we view and use money in our life. If our families overspent money, then that pattern is likely to re-emerge in our own lives. Even if the activity is different, the pattern of overspending or undersaving is common. Families have a gravitational pull on us.  

Financial/Personal Trauma - When we have experienced a significant loss, we may develop a sense of brevity or life or financial security which alters the way that we think about the resources that are available to us. Bucket list pursuit is amazing if you know you only have a short time to live, but if you blow everything and still have 30 years to go then you may find yourself in the throws of difficulty.  

Cultural Influence - For most of us it is hard to fully escape the consumer society that we live in when the mission of business is to get us to buy more. The temptation and ease with which we can spend pulls on us strongly and only those with nerves of steel (very few people) can resist the beckoning of making too many purchases.  

I am not releasing us from our responsibility of making wise decisions with our resources, but I do want us to develop what Brene Brown calls critical awareness —  the ability to move from a general understanding of an issue to a nuanced understanding of the many factors that may be contributing to the problem. 

Investment Charts, Helpful or Not?

Warning, nerd alert. I had the chance to meet with two wonderful financial planners recently. While I was waiting for our meeting to start, I was looking at some charts that they had up on their wall. One 

of the charts was of the stock market over the last 100 years, along with different events that happened during that time period. One line of the chart included the different presidents that have been in office over the last 100 years.

As I was looking at the chart and making sense of the information, Jenny one of the planners walked into the meeting room. She and I talked for a minute about the chart and how they use it to help communicate with their clients about investing. Jenny made the observation that despite what her clients believe about the current president, the stock market has performed positively during both democrat and republican presidents. This discussion reminded me of two important investing lessons.

1. The need to look at the big picture

2. Our assumptions about why things happen can be wrong

When it comes to investing we all have to contend with our emotions, perceptions of risk, and why we think things happen the way that they do, but when we can look at data and talk with someone else about our perceptions, we then have a chance to see things in a new light.

Before I loose you, I realize that the very idea of looking at investment charts is intimidating. Yet this may be the very thing that you need to consider for overcoming your fear of investing. Having a professional help answer all your questions, can in turn help you feel confident about making the best decisions for your family. None of us have perfect information, but professionals through their years of education and experience can usually help put things in perspective.

When it comes to investing, the more that you understand, the more likely you will feel confident to use investing to provide for your families future. Too often the investment world is positioned as a risky one, yet with a good advisor on your side, you will grow in your confidence about inventing. The planners that I met with are members of the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors. This group has very strict guidelines for membership and client advocacy. I trust that these professional would be well qualified to help make sense of investing for you and your family.

Affluence Guilt and Shame

What is “affluence guilt?” It is when you feel insecure, frustrated, or shameful that you have more financial resources than another person or group of people. At a global level, we can sometimes feel this as U.S. citizens. Even if we personally don't think we have that much money, when we are told that we are the richest nation in the world and look at what a less affluent country has in comparison, it can induce guilt and shame.

Researcher and shame expert Brenee Brown defines guilt as coming from what we have done and shame as coming from who we are. 

At the individual level, affluence guilt and shame comes into play when recognizing that you have more money than your family, friends and community members. This realization often leads to feelings of insecurity, frustration or embarrassment. What if you have truly pursued your passions and have ended up in a position where you are able to earn a great living and have more than others --is that something to feel guilty or shameful about? No. There are however five groups of people who are likely to experience affluence guilt and shame.

1. First-generation professional athletes

2. People who are making substantially more money than their family (typically those with an advanced college degree)

3. Successful entrepreneurs who end up making more than they ever imagined

4. People marrying into a high-income/net-worth family

5. People who receive an unexpected inheritance/windfall

From psychology we know that, when we feel guilt or shame, we will use a variety of different coping mechanisms to release the guilt. The challenge is that, while the coping mechanisms often provide short-term relief, they are not a long-term solution.

So, what impact does affluence guilt and shame have on the way that you manage your resources and relationships? The most common and easily recognizable impact is the under-accumulation or rapid spending down of assets (i.e., net worth impact). For every level of income, there is an expected ability to manage your resources in a way that will be able to support your current and future needs. Yet those who feel guilt and shame about making or having large amounts of money will tend to under-accumulate resources because they can't imagine themselves as being the person that has sufficient resources. Having negative connotations attached to affluence causes subconscious actions to occur and sabotage efforts at appropriately managing resources.

Affluence guilt and shame also impacts the way that we manage personal relationships. Let’s say that you have a friend who you know is making much less than you are, and you feel bad that they do not have the same resources as you. You may find yourself buying things for them that they didn’t necessarily want  because you feel insecure about your level of affluence. So, you take deliberate and intentional action to make sure that they are provided for. Unfortunately, all too often, this reinforces the divide in resources and can lead to resentment and withdrawal from the relationship. 

The journey of living with affluence takes work. It has its own unique set of challenges and opportunities. When you take intentional steps towards learning to live with affluence it can provide both great personal satisfaction and positive change for the world.   

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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Going Deep With Diver Ed

On a recent family vacation to Maine, I learned some important lessons about the value of depth.  We went on an amazing tour with Diver Ed, and while we stayed in the boat, Diver Ed dove into the cold Atlantic Ocean to share with the tour some of the amazing sea creatures that live below the surface.

Diver Ed is no ordinary diver. He is the most excited and engaging person you could ever want to meet. His passion for getting below the surface of the water and sharing with his tour participants what he finds is infectious. For a few moments, I was so excited by his findings that I thought I might want to also put on a dry suit (a special type of wet suit for cold water). Then, I reconsidered, as my passion does not lie in the depths of the ocean, but rather in the depths of the soul. There, too, are amazing things to discover. Diving into the soul can be both dangerous and rewarding, but when we come back to the surface after times of reflection, we develop a new appreciation for who we are.

Diver Ed talked a lot about how he would find different critters living at different depths. I think this is also true of our soul. As we move deeper into our understanding of our soul, we come to know more of who we are and the complexity of what makes us up. This is why we connect so deeply with incredible artists. They have come to terms with the depths of their soul and express that through their art. The end result is moving and immediately knowable. When we live life from the depths of our soul, we give off a sense of authenticity with which others connect.

Going deep is something that we often fear, but when we have a tour guide like Diver Ed, we can be encouraged to embrace the discovery of who we have been made to become. I personally have been on a transformational journey and am still on one in which I am connecting my life with who I have been created to be. A big part of this transformation has been in training to become a counselor at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary. I have had the chance to explore both psychology and theology. I have examined both what others understand of these subjects and what I understand of these subjects. Additionally, my experiences with a unique and special spiritual direction program that’s directed at attending to the soul have helped me to prune away unnecessary baggage and grow more into the person I have been designed to be.

What I have found to be true is that our familiarity bias that calls us to leave well enough alone limits our ability and desire to go deeper. Yet that is the very thing that can pull us out of the situations we find ourselves in and no longer want to be in. Becoming comfortable with soul exploration will have a transformative impact on your life. It will reorient some, if not all, of your goals or reasons for doing things. Life reorientation is a risk we all know intuitively exists and often stops us in the tracks of transformation. The great mystery about soul exploration is that, as you are making new decisions about your life, the old ways no longer seem relevant. Leaving behind what once was important is no longer a big deal.

Let’s come back up to the surface of soul exploration. By engaging in soul exploration, you will begin to reorient the way in which you approach life and those matters that cause you the most difficulty. Be it in your marriage, your finances, friendships, or work, as you enter into soul transformation, your perspective and approach begin to shift in ways that allow you to engage life in a more meaningful way.

To go further in your exploration, I recommend checking out Creating a Rule of Life by Steve Macchia.

If you are ever in Bar Harbor, Maine, and you have young children, I highly recommend Diver Ed's Dive-In Theater.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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