Beyond Budgets: Redefining Spending Problems

So you’ve heard that someone you know may have a spending problem. You might even think you have a slight spending problem yourself. What is the first thing that you think they (or you) need to do to get back on track? Responses I commonly hear revolve around getting on a budget or pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. 

The problem is we can’t assume they know how to budget, or that they’ve already tried and failed to stick to a previous plan. Many times it’s something else.

We know that willpower is not the strongest of brain functions and neurological research is continuing to affirm this. 

Which leads to another assumption, that overspending is a behavior issue and can be modified through behavior modification. Not always.  

When overspending isn’t fixed through simple budgeting, it communicates that there’s something more at play. So what is it that goes into the problem of overspending? 

The definition of overspending is often too narrow. For our purposes, I will defining it as buying more disposable goods and services then one currently has money for. See, we can overspend on services like health care out of necessity.

Overspending may be traced through at least these different areas for resolution: 

Personality Type – Some people live in the present without much future orientation. They are intuitive, living and making judgments based on senses and feelings. These kinds of people may be less likely to rely on and stick to a budget since that’s not the way they naturally process information. 

Family of Origin - Each of our families strongly influence the way that we view and use money in our life. If our families overspent money, then that pattern is likely to re-emerge in our own lives. Even if the activity is different, the pattern of overspending or undersaving is common. Families have a gravitational pull on us.  

Financial/Personal Trauma - When we have experienced a significant loss, we may develop a sense of brevity or life or financial security which alters the way that we think about the resources that are available to us. Bucket list pursuit is amazing if you know you only have a short time to live, but if you blow everything and still have 30 years to go then you may find yourself in the throws of difficulty.  

Cultural Influence - For most of us it is hard to fully escape the consumer society that we live in when the mission of business is to get us to buy more. The temptation and ease with which we can spend pulls on us strongly and only those with nerves of steel (very few people) can resist the beckoning of making too many purchases.  

I am not releasing us from our responsibility of making wise decisions with our resources, but I do want us to develop what Brene Brown calls critical awareness —  the ability to move from a general understanding of an issue to a nuanced understanding of the many factors that may be contributing to the problem. 

FOMO with Marriage and Money

A new wonderful term has entered my language that I learned while talking with another friend of mine. The term is FOMO. Have you heard of it? I hadn't either. So what in the world is FOMO? It simply stands for Fear Of Missing Out. As soon as FOMO was stated word for word, I instantly new what my friend was talking about. What a simple way to describe the way that we often feel about many different subjects in our life.

Sadly we all get sucked into the pressure cooker of life and become convinced that if we don't participate in certain things, that we will certainly be missing out. To not have, or not be something in our culture generates loads of fear. When we stop and think about it, our FOMO is often not based in reality, but rather perception.

What do you fear missing out on in your marriage?

What do you fear missing out on with your money?

These two simple questions likely have very deep and personal responses behind them. Don't miss out on the opportunity to reflect on these questions. What do you really fear missing out on? Where have these ideas come from? Don't miss that it could be multiple sources of influence, so don't just stop at one. Rather keep digging to determine why you fear missing out. The next step is to evaluate what causes you to maintain this fear of missing out. Perhaps it is your family, friends, faith, or the media you consume.

The reality is that fear is a powerful motivator, it is said to be the most powerful motivator. Robert Wilson on his Psychology Today article talks about why fear is so powerful. What can we do to combat FOMO's suffocating effects on our life? First let's start out with how it develops. Early in life we learn through experience about fear as a motivator. Have you ever had your parents threaten to take away your desert privileges if you don't eat your vegetables?  For many children these early fear based tactics teach the powerful motivation of FOMO. When used over and over again we become desensitized to the use of fear for motivation.

From parents, to adolescent friends, and all too powerful marketers we learn to fear missing out, not being a part of the "in" crowd. Whoever is in a position of power communicates in subtle and not so subtle ways that others may be missing out. Can you say HGTV. Sure is it entertaining to watch some couple go from renovation disaster, to total makeover. But it gets the gears turning that we might be missing out on renovating our own home.

What about your marriage? Have you ever seen the sandals resort commercial, man after I see one of those, I totally feel like I am missing out on the time of my life with my wife.

Don't take me the wrong way, there is a time and place for both home renovations and vacations with your spouse.  FOMO becomes a problem when we are consumed by it, which then impacts our ability to save for other priorities, or to simply enjoy the company of our spouses.

Overcoming FOMO starts with one question. What is important to me? Then allowing the answer to the question develop over a period of time and reflection. While books, magazines, shows and blogs, may give you loads of ideas, the reality is that your authenticity will show best when it comes from personal reflection. First looking within and to God will help you determine what is most important.

Building Your City Sky Scrapers

How is a sky scraper built? If you have been in a major city during a project of this nature, you have probably walked by a huge hole in the ground. In order for a sky scraper to rise up, the builders must first start by going deep into the ground. Why is that? The depth they dig allows the builders to lay the strongest of foundations. Does it take time to dig deep? Yes. Does it cost lots of money? Yes. Would the builder rather see the finished product sooner than later? Yes. But the smart builder knows that they must take the discipline of digging deep with no noticeable gain before having a marvelous sky scraper.

The same is true of our lives; the deeper we dig in, the higher we can go. We do not have the luxury of starting with a fresh piece of ground to build from, but neither does the sky scraper developer. In a crowded major city, the builder often has to dismantle what was previously there before they can even start to dig. This, too, is true of ourselves. Often we have to clear some things out of the way before we are ready to dig deeper into our lives.

After the ground has been dug out and the foundation laid, the first elements of structural support are put into place. Slowly but surely, with a plan and constant attention, a structure begins to emerge from below the surface and rise high into the sky. Anyone who lives in a city and has watched sky scrapers be built knows that, once the ground has been dug out and the foundation has been set, the structure begins to rise quickly. In those beginning phases, has it reached it beauty yet? No. Is it building toward something to behold? Absolutely.

The beauty of the sky scraper begins to emerge a year, two years, and sometimes longer after the initial work is started. In the final phase, the sky scraper starts to receive its exterior, or what the world will see of it. That exterior cannot come before the interior of the building is developed and completed. It is after years of hard work, thought, planning, revision  and effort have been put into place that the passerby begins to take notice of the beautiful building. When it’s done, there is something to marvel at and acknowledge. Did we see beauty in the hole? Likely not. Did we see beauty in the foundation? Doubtful. Did we see beauty in the structure? Probably not. Did we finally recognize the beauty with the skin of the building placed upon it? Definitely.

Our life, marriage and finances are not just like the process of one sky scraper being built, but rather an entire metropolitan city that is under constant construction. Living and visiting big cities, we all know that development is never done. The timeline of projects ebbs and flows, but there is always at least one (if not many) projects in different phases of completion. This, too, is how our life operates. We have our own sky scrapers that are in different phases of development.

Take some time now to name the buildings that you are working on. What phase are they in? Clearing, digging, foundation, structure, finishing… What purpose will each building serve in your city of life? Recognize that many of your sky scrapers will come down one day, only to make space for a new one. 

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.
Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on FacebookFor all your communication needs, she is all you need.

The Dreamer and The Practical's Dilemma

“Help - I married a visionary! They have all these great dreams and ideas for what they want in the future, but I have no idea how it will ever happen. All I can think about is how much it’s going to cost and how we are never going to be able to afford bringing all of those visions to reality.” 

Does this sound like a problem in your marriage? In many relationships, there is often a dreamer and a more practical person. It does not always start out this way, but there is an inherent need in life to dream about the future while managing the demands of the present. Over time and throughout marriage, we unofficially decide who gets permission to dream and who gets to be practical. Why does this happen? Because each person has a history that they want to fulfill; part of it is their personality, and another component is station and place in which they live now.

Let’s start with history. Each of us draws heavily from our childhood experiences and its influences. Our parents and our position in the family (like it or not) heavily influence the way that we see the world. Perhaps your parents told you to dream and shoot for the moon, which naturally lays the foundation for a visionary. If not, maybe your parents expected perfection and high marks in school, and for you, that meant hard work and discipline. No time for dreaming there. While most of us probably had a blend of both attitudes, it is these early years of our childhood, and our family values that shape our orientation toward dreams and dealing with the practical matters of living. 

From our early influences, we start to see the world in a certain way. That is the nurture component of who we are. The nature component, on the other hand, leaves us with predispositions toward dreaming or practicality. The formation of our personality is semi-fixed by the coding that we are born with. Personality profile tests have shown the consistence with which certain characteristics remain constant over time. A common example is our preference for extroversion or introversion. Please note that I said “preference,” which means most of the time that is the way that we experience the world. We inevitably all experience to varying degrees the other end of the continuum, too. 

Combining our early childhood experiences with our given personality type, we end up in the adult world ready to forge our path. Whether we are aware of it or not, our history and personality shape the decisions we make about where we live, who we spend time with, the type of work we engage in and ultimately who we marry. It is in marriage that we find two worlds of history and personality colliding over what we think is love, which in reality is a deep need to be connected with another human and to have unfulfilled needs met. 

While in our culture we are infatuated with romantic love, we must come to see that it is far more complex and dynamic. A quick Google search of "types of love" will produce loads of interesting results. Yet what is important to keep in mind is that there are various types of love and needs we are trying to fulfill. The question is why? Often, opposites attract to meet unconscious and unspoken needs. Fulfilling the need to dream and to be practical is a major part of living and an inherent part of the person that we marry. Every person has the capacity to dream and be practical, but it is because of each person’s unique path in life that they tend toward one direction or the other on the continuum. As one partner moves in direction A, there is a natural need for the other partner to move in direction B to keep things in balance. 

Here is where it gets tricky: most couples are dynamic. One person is not fully responsible for dreaming while the other is fully responsible for practicality. The roles often shift given different areas of living, such as parrenting, saving for the future, or careers. It is as if couples dance through life trying to manage their unfilled dreams while meeting the demands we all face. They are constantly calling their partner back into balance, as their relationship can only handle so much tension.

Remember that when you are getting frustrated, angry or overwhelmed with your partner’s preference for dreaming or practicality, it is often their reaction to your opposite response. Spend time coming to the other end of the continuum, it will change your dynamic. 

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.
Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on FacebookFor all your communication needs, she is all you need.

Affluence Guilt and Shame

What is “affluence guilt?” It is when you feel insecure, frustrated, or shameful that you have more financial resources than another person or group of people. At a global level, we can sometimes feel this as U.S. citizens. Even if we personally don't think we have that much money, when we are told that we are the richest nation in the world and look at what a less affluent country has in comparison, it can induce guilt and shame.

Researcher and shame expert Brenee Brown defines guilt as coming from what we have done and shame as coming from who we are. 

At the individual level, affluence guilt and shame comes into play when recognizing that you have more money than your family, friends and community members. This realization often leads to feelings of insecurity, frustration or embarrassment. What if you have truly pursued your passions and have ended up in a position where you are able to earn a great living and have more than others --is that something to feel guilty or shameful about? No. There are however five groups of people who are likely to experience affluence guilt and shame.

1. First-generation professional athletes

2. People who are making substantially more money than their family (typically those with an advanced college degree)

3. Successful entrepreneurs who end up making more than they ever imagined

4. People marrying into a high-income/net-worth family

5. People who receive an unexpected inheritance/windfall

From psychology we know that, when we feel guilt or shame, we will use a variety of different coping mechanisms to release the guilt. The challenge is that, while the coping mechanisms often provide short-term relief, they are not a long-term solution.

So, what impact does affluence guilt and shame have on the way that you manage your resources and relationships? The most common and easily recognizable impact is the under-accumulation or rapid spending down of assets (i.e., net worth impact). For every level of income, there is an expected ability to manage your resources in a way that will be able to support your current and future needs. Yet those who feel guilt and shame about making or having large amounts of money will tend to under-accumulate resources because they can't imagine themselves as being the person that has sufficient resources. Having negative connotations attached to affluence causes subconscious actions to occur and sabotage efforts at appropriately managing resources.

Affluence guilt and shame also impacts the way that we manage personal relationships. Let’s say that you have a friend who you know is making much less than you are, and you feel bad that they do not have the same resources as you. You may find yourself buying things for them that they didn’t necessarily want  because you feel insecure about your level of affluence. So, you take deliberate and intentional action to make sure that they are provided for. Unfortunately, all too often, this reinforces the divide in resources and can lead to resentment and withdrawal from the relationship. 

The journey of living with affluence takes work. It has its own unique set of challenges and opportunities. When you take intentional steps towards learning to live with affluence it can provide both great personal satisfaction and positive change for the world.   

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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Going Deep With Diver Ed

On a recent family vacation to Maine, I learned some important lessons about the value of depth.  We went on an amazing tour with Diver Ed, and while we stayed in the boat, Diver Ed dove into the cold Atlantic Ocean to share with the tour some of the amazing sea creatures that live below the surface.

Diver Ed is no ordinary diver. He is the most excited and engaging person you could ever want to meet. His passion for getting below the surface of the water and sharing with his tour participants what he finds is infectious. For a few moments, I was so excited by his findings that I thought I might want to also put on a dry suit (a special type of wet suit for cold water). Then, I reconsidered, as my passion does not lie in the depths of the ocean, but rather in the depths of the soul. There, too, are amazing things to discover. Diving into the soul can be both dangerous and rewarding, but when we come back to the surface after times of reflection, we develop a new appreciation for who we are.

Diver Ed talked a lot about how he would find different critters living at different depths. I think this is also true of our soul. As we move deeper into our understanding of our soul, we come to know more of who we are and the complexity of what makes us up. This is why we connect so deeply with incredible artists. They have come to terms with the depths of their soul and express that through their art. The end result is moving and immediately knowable. When we live life from the depths of our soul, we give off a sense of authenticity with which others connect.

Going deep is something that we often fear, but when we have a tour guide like Diver Ed, we can be encouraged to embrace the discovery of who we have been made to become. I personally have been on a transformational journey and am still on one in which I am connecting my life with who I have been created to be. A big part of this transformation has been in training to become a counselor at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary. I have had the chance to explore both psychology and theology. I have examined both what others understand of these subjects and what I understand of these subjects. Additionally, my experiences with a unique and special spiritual direction program that’s directed at attending to the soul have helped me to prune away unnecessary baggage and grow more into the person I have been designed to be.

What I have found to be true is that our familiarity bias that calls us to leave well enough alone limits our ability and desire to go deeper. Yet that is the very thing that can pull us out of the situations we find ourselves in and no longer want to be in. Becoming comfortable with soul exploration will have a transformative impact on your life. It will reorient some, if not all, of your goals or reasons for doing things. Life reorientation is a risk we all know intuitively exists and often stops us in the tracks of transformation. The great mystery about soul exploration is that, as you are making new decisions about your life, the old ways no longer seem relevant. Leaving behind what once was important is no longer a big deal.

Let’s come back up to the surface of soul exploration. By engaging in soul exploration, you will begin to reorient the way in which you approach life and those matters that cause you the most difficulty. Be it in your marriage, your finances, friendships, or work, as you enter into soul transformation, your perspective and approach begin to shift in ways that allow you to engage life in a more meaningful way.

To go further in your exploration, I recommend checking out Creating a Rule of Life by Steve Macchia.

If you are ever in Bar Harbor, Maine, and you have young children, I highly recommend Diver Ed's Dive-In Theater.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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Living With Too Much Opportunity

The reason we struggle financially is that we have too much opportunity. That’s right – too much opportunity. How on Earth is that even possible?

You may feel like you need more money so that you can go on the vacation you have always dreamed of, start saving for retirement, buy a new car, redecorate the house and the list goes on. And that is my very point: because there are so many different ways to spend your money, having a myriad of choices can often feel overwhelming, and as if you do not have enough to make it all possible. 

So, how did we get here? Remember the good old days  back in college, when you had limited funds and were excited just to go out and get a few beers with friends? Now, you have moved on, had several pay raises and you are making more money. You went from only being able to afford the cheapest, most watered-down  beverage to becoming a beer connoisseur. There are more options out there than you ever imagined. Who would have thought? 

 Ok, so maybe beer isn't your thing; perhaps it is travel. In the cash-strapped days of college, you loved road trips with your friends. You would cram into the car, drive to the beach and find the cheapest hotel you could stand. But not now. These days, you take a road trip with your family, and you are looking for the Holiday Inn, or perhaps you skip driving to the local beach and instead head to a beautiful island destination. Again, you start to realize there are always "better" opportunities out there.

As we continue to make more money, we learn to see new opportunities that we never knew existed. But we don’t stop there -- we pursue them. Eventually, we’re introduced to even more opportunities. This is what makes life exciting, fun, and somehow totally overwhelming.

There is always more, but it comes at a cost when we don't add balance and satisfaction into our life. I know very happy and very disillusioned people who have plenty of money to pursue a wide range of opportunities, yet that’s not what makes them happy. Rather, it’s the way they have managed their expectations about what life is really all about.

Use these 5 questions to help you reflect on your feelings about opportunity.

1. What do you remember from the days when you had limited resources? 

2. What makes you feel like you will never have enough money?

3. Do you feel disappointed if you can't purse the newest opportunity?

4. When do you get overwhelmed by the number of directions in which you feel pulled in your life?

5. How satisfied are you immediately after pursuing a new opportunity? Rate this on a scal of 1 to 10 and then examine 5 different new opportunities. Is there a trend? If so this can be guidance for which opportunities to pursue. 

Up to this point, we have just thought about your opportunities. Let's add in your spouse; how many different opportunities do they have? Managing them becomes one of the biggest challenges in marriage, as now there are your opportunities, your partner’s opportunities and opportunities together. Oh, wait, but there is more (sorry, just had to say it): you add kids into the mix, and the number of opportunities now looks like some sort of unsolvable calculus equation. 

Here are three steps intended to help you tame your family’s opportunities and gain a sense of peace again.* 

1. Write the name of each family member down

2. In a second column, have each family member write down all the different opportunities they want to pursue. 

3. Have each member prioritize their opportunities. Each person then picks two to work toward.

*This is not to say there won't be a time for other opportunities; it is just an exercise to set direction for the time being. 

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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