Not In Our Family Finances

“Let's go to the zoo today,” Sally told her husband Dan. “The weather should be fine, and the kids will have a great time seeing the many different animals.” Sally and Dan get the kids loaded into the car and head off for the zoo. An hour later they are at the entrance to the zoo with their three excited kids in tow. They start off with high hopes and aspirations, but the trip quickly becomes an emotional nightmare. At the front gate Sally asks Dan if they can spring for the all access pass, which includes not only entry, but also the many different activities that are located inside. With a slight look of disgust, Dan looks back at Sally and says, “Oh fine.”

Sally and Dan enter the zoo with their kids ready to have a good time, enjoying looking at the monkeys, giraffes, and lions along the way. After a few fun hours the kids are getting hungry, and Sally and Dan are ready to sit down. The kids all clamor to get the souvenir cups with the funny animal heads, while Dan insists on just getting the kids the regular cups for drinks. As they all sit down for food the three kids look across to see the gift shop and start in with, “Dad we want—”…You know the rest of the details. After some persistence and after finishing lunch, Sally joins in with the kids and says, “Oh come on Dan, let's let the kids get a special treat.” To which Dan quips back “This whole day has been a special treat!”

By this time you are starting to get a picture of Dan and Sally's life. While this is a story about their trip to the zoo, the reality is that their pattern of interaction persists over many of life's situations. Sally wants to give the kids as many rich experiences as possible, while Dan seems like he does not want to indulge the kids in any of their desires. Reading this story likely evokes certain emotions in you.

What do you think of Sally? Why?

What do you think of Dan? Why?

What do you think of their kids? Why?

As you reflect on your answers to these questions, you will start to become aware of your own rules about the way that money is to be used in your life. Day in and day out you live with our spouse and you both have many unwritten rules about the way that you should spend, manage, and organize around money. This is called your family financial system, which is less about the actual amount of money, and more about who says and does what with the money. At a deeper level this is a reflection of the way that the family dynamics play out, and the way that the power is dispersed throughout the family.

Sadly there is often disagreement between spouses/parents about their financial values. The ways in which couples go about addressing these differences can vary, but the reality is that there is a big opportunity for couples to start to build financial intimacy in their life. Financial intimacy is being known at a deeper level about why we hold the values that we do. I surely work with many couples who can pretty easily predict their spouses spending patterns, which they take issue with. But at a deeper level it’s not the spending patterns that they’re upset with, but rather the values that those spending patterns communicate between spouses, kids, and their community.

Dan grew up in a family where he often heard from his dad, “Modesty is a necessity.” Which Dan internalized to mean that splurging beyond the basic experience is unacceptable. So with the trip to the zoo Dan felt as if he was betraying one of his family rules about splurging by getting the all access pass, fancy top lids, and then a gift from a gift shop—it was all too much.

On the other hand, Sally grew up the youngest of two girls. Even though her father earned a very modest living, he lavished his girls with gifts—even when he didn’t have the money to pay for the presents.

So now as Dan and Sally go through their married life, they continue to replay out the messages about money and how it is to be used in within their families. The reality of Dan and Sally’s finances is that they are in a financial position where they can afford to spend the "extra" money at the zoo—it won’t have a big impact on the rest of their family finances. When they slow down long enough to recognize the pattern they’re in and give credence to their own respective experience of living with their fathers and the way that they spent money, they will have a much better sense for the source of their frustration. This can lead them to find new ways of relating to each other that make sense for their family. But without taking the time to understand the connection between the past and present, they are doomed in the future to keep repeating the same problems over and over again.

Falling In Love With The Profession And Not The Person

You would never marry for money—or would you? You meet the special someone and they tell you about their line of work. You think to yourself, “Wow this person must have it going on! I sure would like to get to know them better.” You engage this person in fun, friendly conversation. Over time the relationship develops and you decide to get engaged to this amazing person. At the conscious level you are thinking, “ This person is smart, charming, seems to be doing all the right things. Why wouldn't I want to be with them”. In return they are thinking the same thing about you.

So the relationship progresses and you get married. You think you’ve hit the jackpot. You met this wonderful person and will spend the rest of your life together… Until one day you wake up and you realize, “Wow I thought I married this person because I love them and they make me feel so wonderful.” But things are not always as they appear.

There are some professionals that our society holds in high esteem—you know, those people who will get to live the good life: doctors, lawyers, successful business professionals, etc.  It can all seem like a wonderful windfall of good fortune, especially if you were not expecting to marry this type of person. But over time you realize what it looks like to actually live with someone who’s achieved that level of success.

Sadly, we often pursue a certain career or someone in that career, because we have an idealized image of what it would be like to become or be with that person. We can become blinded by our own idealism of being associated with that title. Okay, now I know by now you are saying who me, “I would never do that,” and maybe that’s true. But from my experience we all tend to romanticize certain types of people. If we are fortunate enough to meet and then "fall in love" with them, we are in for a rude awakening—they too are people, subject to their own faults and limitations.

Eventually you will hit this point of waking up from the idealized image of who you married, and see them for who they are. Then the hard work of the relationship begins. Sadly, this is when many couples bail out and say, “This is not who I married. What happened to that amazing person I met and fell in love with?” Well the sad reality is that we fell in love with an idealized image of the person, not the real person. But once we recognize this, then we can start to effect positive change in ourselves to learn how to love the person who we fell in love with.

At a deeper and often unconscious level, we have internalized money messages about what certain society positions should be able to provide us. There is often a period of disillusionment when we realize that this person who holds an idealized position is not as good as they seem. At this very juncture it is time to lean in and get to know the person behind the profession. They are likely neither as good or as bad as you might think.

Entering into this season of life can be challenging and overwhelming. If we put the position before the person, then the relationship remains shallow and unfulfilling for both people in the relationship. But given time, and often a bit of professional help, you can move to a place of loving the person behind the profession, and then ultimately enjoying the benefits of their position as well.

In my next post I will be looking at the effects of what I call the personal boom and bust cycle.

Written By: Ed Coambs – Marriage Counselor and Financial Therapist

Edited By: Joey Glass

What Is Financial Wholeness?

This is neither about making more or less money. It’s not about the right investment strategy, insurance products or even estate plan. Rather, it is about the way that you relate with these key elements of financial planning.

Financial wholeness is focused on understanding who you and your spouse are as people, and what financial plans are appropriate for both of you. If you are a small-business person, nurse, corporate or government employee, your definition of financial security and then life objectives will be defined differently. 

Personal financial planning is only coming into prominence over the last 40+ years. As people have entered into mass affluence and lost the sense of security that came from an agrarian society of the early 1900’s, or pension based retirements of the mid to late 1900’s, a shift in thinking about how to give meaning to live and manage the resources to accomplish that meaning is underway. As we live in this new millennium, what it means to create financial security is evolving, and certainly there is not one definition that will work for every individual.

While financial planning is focused on what to do with your money, financial wholeness has little to do with the actual money that you have. Rather, it’s a concept that speaks to our relationship with money and the way that we approach using money in our lives.  All of us live with conflicting and often unexplored beliefs and thoughts about money, which drive the way that we use money in our lives. Some of these beliefs and thoughts are helpful, while others can have disastrous implications for the way that we live our lives and engage in relationships with our significant others.

So then financial wholeness becomes about finding congruency between what we say we believe and think about money and what we actually do with it. To get to financial wholeness, we start with openness to personal exploration and a willingness to look at ourselves in ways we have not yet considered.

Over the next year I will release twenty four blog posts that will take you deeper into understanding what financial wholeness can mean for you and your family.

The Next Post Will Be – What Is Your Financial Story?

Written By: Ed Coambs

Edited By: Joey Glass

Compassion Changes Family Finance

Fighting with your spouse is readily acknowledged as one of the biggest challenges of marital life. It is often as if couples are from completely foreign countries and do not understand each others financial culture. Yet when the fighting ensues, there is often much that is provoked just below the surface of the argument that is creating the real challenge. These issues below the surface can be related to past suffering. In the September/October 2014 Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy article titled Family Therapy and The Science of Compassion author Laura B. Wallace highlights the importance of building compassion for improving family relationships. She says "Compassion means seeing and responding to suffering". How we see the problem before us and how we respond will in large part determine the outcome of the argument.

Take a minute to reflect:

How compassionate are you?

How compassionate does your spouse think you are?

What would change in your life if your level of compassion increased?

These are important questions to grapple with. I trust that all of us have room to grow in our ability to provide and receive compassion, especially when it comes to interacting with our family and finances. When our compassion grows, our ability to engage in the difficult topics of our marriage and money will increase.

The Stanford Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education has helped advance our understanding of the role of compassion in developing deeper levels of connection in our lives.
The center identified three types of compassion, which are; compassion for others, receiving compassion, and self compassion. Of these three types of compassion which is most difficult for you? What blocks you from experiencing compassion in this area of your life?

As we focus on building the three types of compassion, the solutions that we need to our problems will start to emerge. Sadly as long as we are not experiencing compassion, the pathways to finding positive solutions to our problems will be difficult to find. In counseling the idea of unconditional positive regard which parallels compassion is a key ingredient in helping people grow. Many therapists have found that once a person feels accepted for who they are and where they are, that then becomes the place that the person starts to experience the freedom to move forward in their life. There is an implicit trust that the solution is within the client, and that from experiencing unconditional positive regard the client will feel (not just think) like they can move forward.

My experience tells me that each of us has an easier time with one area of compassion and struggles with the other two. However, if we are not experiencing the three types of compassion then we are not experiencing the fullness of compassion. I see this often playing out in the caring professions, where the professionals have great compassion for others and will spend endless hours serving others, but will not take the time for themselves, or receive care for themselves.

As we slow down to reflect upon compassion for others, receiving compassion, and self compassion what feelings are being evoked in you? What types of resistance are you experiencing in your gut? Become aware of these responses and try to put names to them, as they are what is going to help guide you into deeper levels of compassion. Our resistance points are what will block us from giving and receiving more compassion.

Ultimately compassion is not something that is so much talked about as it is experienced through touch and tone/quality of voice. Growing these areas can help add substantial quality to your relationships. As our levels of compassion for our spouses and ourselves increase it makes approaching the difficult subjects of family finance all the more easier.

What are those areas of family finance that have felt unsafe to address? Hold this experience in your mind, now go to a place in your mind where you have experienced compassion. What did you experience with compassion in another area of your life, what was stirring in your body? Now how can you hold onto those summoned up experiences, and focus on addressing the family finances. Go slowly and with compassion in mind as you try to address the family finance issue at hand.

Developing Your Philosophy Of Wealth

We live in a culture influenced by main stream media hype. Unfortunately, often times this media hype is centered on wealth creation, feeding us with a false sense of what wealth should be like in today’s society and providing us with a false hope of how we supposedly can obtain unrealistic amounts of overnight wealth.

Within a society that worships at the altar of wealth creation, many of us are left with an unclear definition of what wealth truly is (or should be). In this same sense, many of us have not taken the time to consider what wealth means to us (or to our families), nor have we developed a “system of thought” for our own personal wealth. 

As such, two important questions to consider are: How do you define wealth? And do you have, or do you follow a particular philosophy of wealth?

I am not here to make a case for any one particular philosophy of wealth, rather, I would merely like to challenge you to think about your own “system of thought” related to wealth, and how these ideas may or may not impact you and your spouse’s or your family’s finances.

Chances are, no matter what type of family you grew up in, you likely were influenced to feel one of three ways about money:

That there was never enough, that where was just enough, or that there was more than enough. Depending on your experience, these influences have likely driven you in a certain direction regarding your creation of personal wealth.

I know that for many entrepreneurs, who may have grown up in an environment where there was never enough money, their experiences influenced them to create a “problem solving” philosophy of wealth.  That is, their system of thought regarding wealth includes ways to make lots of money, not just for themselves, but for others in need as well. They became entrepreneurs because they never had enough growing up. Some of these entrepreneurs are wildly successful and end up having much more money than they ever dreamed of; however, many of them still are likely (and constantly) driven by the need to insulate themselves from that underlying feeling of not having enough.

It is difficult to live life feeling like there will never be enough. The other end of the spectrum of living with a feeling like there will never be enough is the development of a basic assumption that they will never be able to make enough money in order to provide for themselves or their family. For these individuals, this overall philosophy of wealth usually results in them taking on jobs or a certain lifestyle in which they cannot possibly support themselves or their families in even the most basic ways.

For an individual that grew up in a family where they felt like there was enough money, they likely internalized a sense of security with money. Not necessarily reliance or dependence but rather that when needed and important they could go out and get a job that would pay at a level appropriate to their level and type of education. This person is aware of the importance of money, but often does not feel anxious in the absence or abundance of money. Rather they recognize the balanced role that money plays in life.

I could provide more examples to draw distinctions between how individuals might react based on their childhood experiences with money; however, the reality is this: There is great nuance for every person regarding their philosophy of wealth. Everyone defines value and wealth differently. Some define wealth just by the numbers on the balance sheet; while, others are more comprehensive and include time, family, faith, and health as parts of their overall wealth picture.

Regardless of whether or not you have taken on a formal philosophy of wealth, money influences you and those around you. Without realizing it, you currently, probably live-out a system of thought related to money which affects you every day, in every decision you make, based on how you grew up. Just as everyone defines wealth differently, there is no one common definition of “wealth” to go by. This is why I challenge you to evaluate your own, or your family’s philosophy of wealth. Chances are, as you first start out on this journey, you will use other people's (likely your parent’s or caregiver’s) definitions of wealth until you can formulate your own.

To get the most out of this process, it would be best to first spend time working through your understanding of wealth. Then, you can engage in a conversation with your spouse or loved ones about their particular definition(s) of wealth. As you gain clarity, you and your spouse (or those around you) will likely reach a place where you share a somewhat similar philosophy of wealth. From here, you will be able to evaluate where you have room to grow, how you can collaboratively plan your future based on similarities in thought regarding what wealth is to you and your spouse or family, and where you can hold solid within your own system of thought regarding wealth creation. Only then will you be able to start making sound decisions together. Such conversations will be difficult at first, but if you stick with it over time, you will create shared meaning and purpose in your marriage and money.