When Becoming a Millionaire is Not Greedy

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Our culture and ideals about retirement are shifting. Generation X and subsequent generations have been raised on the sidelines of watching their grandparents retire into pension-supported retirements, their parents either generating substantial wealth for themselves, or perhaps having varied career opportunities and being much more responsible for their own retirement. As Gen X advances in age, one thing is becoming clear for many: the responsibility for saving for the future is falling more and more on the shoulders of this group.

Yet here is where things get really tricky for many in America's middle class. Their identity may not be defined by reaching millionaire status. Yet this exactly where many will need to be in order to reach a comfortable place of retirement, or working by choice and not necessity. While there are many financial planners that can run the numbers and tell you how much you need to save to meet your retirement goals, there are few that are equipped to help you deal with the reality of what those numbers mean.

For many, while the idea of having a million plus dollars seems appealing, the other side of the coin is the felt responsibility that comes with managing over a million-dollar portfolio. Psychologically we often equate having more money with having more to manage. This means that we feel uncertain about our responsibilities.

The other challenge that we face when we are told we need to accumulate more than a million dollars is a few mathematical steps are often omitted. This is not deceit, but rather financial planners and other investment professionals take for granted their deeper understanding of how compounding interest works, and that is why we need such big numbers in the future. The logical brain of many people have a hard time conceptualizing the compounding effects of both saving and inflation. Sure they are terms that are thrown around a lot in the media, and financial press. But my experience says if you have not worked directly in the investment and money management world, the understanding of compounding interest is limited.

So there is both a real knowledge gap that must be crossed in order to help people understand the importance of getting to a million-dollar level. But there is also a major psychological gap as well. Often times the values of the middle class can reflect humility and a desire not to have so much money, so as not to appear greedy. Another dimension can be for different religious traditions in which excess money is to be avoided.

This is why the facts alone may not be enough to encourage you to accumulate an appropriate amount of money for your future.

In 30 years millionaires will not be the ones driving flashy cars and living in big homes. They will be middle-class folks with enough money to retire and afford the same standard of living to which they have grown accustomed. Saving a million dollars is not about being showy, but rather about taking responsibility for yourself, your spouse and your family. In our culture, where we pride ourselves on self care, it will take a large enough bucket to maintain our independence instead of having to rely on family members.

So even if you get to the place where you understand the need to accumulate enough money, has your spouse come to understand things in the same way? Having these conversations early and often is key to making it to the long term goal.

Your Personal Boom Bust Cycle

In the economy at large, we go through periods of expansion and contraction. This is a known and natural part of Economics 101. Few like it when the economy contracts and turns down, we all have to live in the cycle of boom-and-bust. We would love to have an economy that grew at the same rate, year in and year out, yet that is not reality. Our economic system is vast and dynamic, with many moving pieces that lead the to the boom-and-bust cycles that occur. Yet when we look over time we can see an overall economic expansion.

So if we apply this same concept to our personal finances, what do we make of it? Through meeting with a number of different professions, I have discovered that people within their own family have boom-and-bust cycles of their own. These cycles do not necessarily correlate with the broader macro-economic patterns, but they seem to have a similar psychological effect—perhaps an even more profound impact because the individual experiences it personally.

For the point of this blog let's assume that people earn money in one of two ways. 1) Regular Basis (same amount): typically these are hourly employees and salaried non-bonus employees. 2) Variable Income: where much of their income is tied directly to what they produce. They can be entrepreneurs, sales professionals, contract based employees. These folks do not get a regular paycheck every two weeks or once a month. Rather they get paid based on a contracted basis.

So what does this do for families that receive variable incomes? They live with a higher degree of variability in their earnings. That level of uncertainty creates practical challenges like managing cash flow to pay bills, and also psychological challenges as their income and ability to pay bills are directly contingent on producing.

As you look at your own family economics

1. How does income flow through your home now, does it come in a steady stream, mild waves up and down, or in big waves with potentially big breaks in between?

2. How did the family you grew up in earn their living—was it a steady paycheck or uneven cash flow?

3. What was the perceived ability of your family to create, sustain, maintain, or grow financial security?

4. What was the variance in your families’ income?

5. Where there big swings week-to-week, month-to-month, year-to-year?

6. Did your families’ income remain relatively flat, grow as you grew, or decline?

7. Where there interruptions to income producing ability—perhaps a significant career shift, disability or death?

8. What emotions come to you as you reflect on these questions?

As we become more acquainted with the patterns of income we saw from the family we grew up in and the family we currently live in, then we have the opportunity to better understand the points of stress we experience. In our married life it’s especially important to understand how our spouse experienced their family cash flow, and what that meant for them as a family—the things they got to do, the things they did not get to do.

As you think about your life horizon and the planning process that goes on, there are a number of variables to consider. There are some questions that will get answered soon, and some that will remain unknown until further along in growth and understanding.

The personal boom-and-bust cycle often plays out when there are larger variances in family income. If mom earns a big bonus check what does the family do with it—new cars, vacations, clothes, charity—what happens? Then what happens after the money is spent?

What about those families where income expands and contracts on a regular basis—are they able to set aside enough in the boom times to even out life in the bust times? This takes the ability to look into the future and anticipate the bust times to come. A family without a future orientation, may be more subject to having to expand and contract life style as income fluctuates. What stress is that placing on you? What kind of stress is that placing on your partner?

I was recently working with a couple where the husband was not concerned about the home equity line of credit and said they would get it paid off, whereas the wife was very concerned about getting it paid off. Below the surface of their argument lie deeper personal convictions and money scripts that caused them to see the situation from two very different perspectives. This family had variable income from both partners. The husband earned a small base salary with the potential for a big bonus, and the wife was a small business owner and did her own consulting work, which led to variable income. This dynamic ultimately led to a level of uncertainty in the relationship about when and how the home equity line of credit was going to be paid off.

So what's your personal boom-and-bust cycle? If you don't receive regular income for any number of reasons, what is that experience like for you, your spouse, your kids and perhaps other people that count on you to produce an income?

Where are you in the cycle?

Do you often have a steep recovery to climb out of the bust, i.e. is there debt that has to be repaid?

If the boom-and-bust cycle is wearing you out, what are those things that you can start to change that would reduce the variability in the cycle?

What Is Financial Wholeness?

This is neither about making more or less money. It’s not about the right investment strategy, insurance products or even estate plan. Rather, it is about the way that you relate with these key elements of financial planning.

Financial wholeness is focused on understanding who you and your spouse are as people, and what financial plans are appropriate for both of you. If you are a small-business person, nurse, corporate or government employee, your definition of financial security and then life objectives will be defined differently. 

Personal financial planning is only coming into prominence over the last 40+ years. As people have entered into mass affluence and lost the sense of security that came from an agrarian society of the early 1900’s, or pension based retirements of the mid to late 1900’s, a shift in thinking about how to give meaning to live and manage the resources to accomplish that meaning is underway. As we live in this new millennium, what it means to create financial security is evolving, and certainly there is not one definition that will work for every individual.

While financial planning is focused on what to do with your money, financial wholeness has little to do with the actual money that you have. Rather, it’s a concept that speaks to our relationship with money and the way that we approach using money in our lives.  All of us live with conflicting and often unexplored beliefs and thoughts about money, which drive the way that we use money in our lives. Some of these beliefs and thoughts are helpful, while others can have disastrous implications for the way that we live our lives and engage in relationships with our significant others.

So then financial wholeness becomes about finding congruency between what we say we believe and think about money and what we actually do with it. To get to financial wholeness, we start with openness to personal exploration and a willingness to look at ourselves in ways we have not yet considered.

Over the next year I will release twenty four blog posts that will take you deeper into understanding what financial wholeness can mean for you and your family.

The Next Post Will Be – What Is Your Financial Story?

Written By: Ed Coambs

Edited By: Joey Glass

Compassion Changes Family Finance

Fighting with your spouse is readily acknowledged as one of the biggest challenges of marital life. It is often as if couples are from completely foreign countries and do not understand each others financial culture. Yet when the fighting ensues, there is often much that is provoked just below the surface of the argument that is creating the real challenge. These issues below the surface can be related to past suffering. In the September/October 2014 Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy article titled Family Therapy and The Science of Compassion author Laura B. Wallace highlights the importance of building compassion for improving family relationships. She says "Compassion means seeing and responding to suffering". How we see the problem before us and how we respond will in large part determine the outcome of the argument.

Take a minute to reflect:

How compassionate are you?

How compassionate does your spouse think you are?

What would change in your life if your level of compassion increased?

These are important questions to grapple with. I trust that all of us have room to grow in our ability to provide and receive compassion, especially when it comes to interacting with our family and finances. When our compassion grows, our ability to engage in the difficult topics of our marriage and money will increase.

The Stanford Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education has helped advance our understanding of the role of compassion in developing deeper levels of connection in our lives.
The center identified three types of compassion, which are; compassion for others, receiving compassion, and self compassion. Of these three types of compassion which is most difficult for you? What blocks you from experiencing compassion in this area of your life?

As we focus on building the three types of compassion, the solutions that we need to our problems will start to emerge. Sadly as long as we are not experiencing compassion, the pathways to finding positive solutions to our problems will be difficult to find. In counseling the idea of unconditional positive regard which parallels compassion is a key ingredient in helping people grow. Many therapists have found that once a person feels accepted for who they are and where they are, that then becomes the place that the person starts to experience the freedom to move forward in their life. There is an implicit trust that the solution is within the client, and that from experiencing unconditional positive regard the client will feel (not just think) like they can move forward.

My experience tells me that each of us has an easier time with one area of compassion and struggles with the other two. However, if we are not experiencing the three types of compassion then we are not experiencing the fullness of compassion. I see this often playing out in the caring professions, where the professionals have great compassion for others and will spend endless hours serving others, but will not take the time for themselves, or receive care for themselves.

As we slow down to reflect upon compassion for others, receiving compassion, and self compassion what feelings are being evoked in you? What types of resistance are you experiencing in your gut? Become aware of these responses and try to put names to them, as they are what is going to help guide you into deeper levels of compassion. Our resistance points are what will block us from giving and receiving more compassion.

Ultimately compassion is not something that is so much talked about as it is experienced through touch and tone/quality of voice. Growing these areas can help add substantial quality to your relationships. As our levels of compassion for our spouses and ourselves increase it makes approaching the difficult subjects of family finance all the more easier.

What are those areas of family finance that have felt unsafe to address? Hold this experience in your mind, now go to a place in your mind where you have experienced compassion. What did you experience with compassion in another area of your life, what was stirring in your body? Now how can you hold onto those summoned up experiences, and focus on addressing the family finances. Go slowly and with compassion in mind as you try to address the family finance issue at hand.

The Danger of Being Smart

What happens when you think you are smart? A long shadow emerges. It is the dark side of being smart without maturity. In my mind maturity allows us to see the benefits of our strengths but also the limitations of our strengths. I have the good fortune of working with many highly talented, bright and yes smart individuals. Yet as I try to work with them, I have noticed three trends.

The Trends
1. The little voice in their head says they know it all.
2. Their intelligence gets applied to areas they know nothing about (part of number 1)
3. Being wrong is a threat to their identity

Sadly these trends are why many smart couples remain overwhelmed and frustrated. Often both people in the marriage are very smart, highly educated and trained to think. Yet their problem solving skills in the areas of marriage and money are not developed. The reality is that many of the problems in our marriage and with our finances will not be resolved by intelligence alone. Rather they will need to be addressed at the emotional level first before logical answers can emerge. This thinking is based on the findings of research based Emotional Focused Therapy.

Rather than our intelligence serving us well, it acts as a protective measure against feelings of insecurity. In the field of psychology intelligence is seen as one of the most complex defense mechanisms. Intelligence allows us to navigate many obstacles in life, but it has its limitations. As we grow in maturity and recognize the limitations of our intelligence then the weight of responsibility can begin to fall of of your shoulders.

In our culture which prides itself on knowledge, the risk of looking like we don't know something is high. However when we recognize the necessity of vulnerability in our marriage and money then we can see that our intelligence is not threatened, but rather encouraged. When we start to acknowledge the limitations of our intelligence, then we can become receptive to getting the feed back that we need to grow and make the necessary changes. Sometimes this feedback needs to come from outside sources including financial planners and marriage counselors before we are ready to hear it from our spouse.

Getting to the place of recognizing the limitations of your knowledge may be difficult in part because you have been prized for your intelligence for so long. Yet in order to get along in your marriage and money it is not about letting go of intelligence, so much as it is about recognizing it's limitations.

Changing Social Class Leads To, Who Am I?

What happens to us when we move up or down in social class? Typically, the values and views that we developed as children are challenged. In our married life this an area ripe for arguments

For most of us, the way that we were raised forms our core financial identity. Our core financial identity informs many unspoken rules about our personal values and the way that money is to be used in our lives. Hence, this is why we feel challenged when we experience a shift up or down in social class. Such feelings also are brought on when we encounter people of other social classes than our own, because most often, these individuals hold different values that sometimes challenge our own values.

As we move across social classes, we enter into new rules, and new ways of relating to people. If a part of our core identity does not have flexibility, then we become overwhelmed by the transition and do everything we can to revert back to a place of comfort and familiarity. Much of this happens at a subconscious level.

Let's look at two examples of dealing with change in social class, one which is commonly known, and one which is much less known. First, let’s think about young new professional athletes, entering into a pro sport, who perhaps may have come from humble beginnings and little money. These athletes enter into their new world flooded with an abundance of cash and opportunity unlike they have ever imagined. Sure, they may have dreamed of having loads of money and success—which is likely a contributing factor to how they reached the amazing level of success that they have achieved—however, too often, athletes in these types of situations forget one important thing: They forget to consider the necessary work needed to realign their core identity with their change in social class. As a result, inside, deep down, they likely still see themselves as someone from humble beginnings, and so they live out the deeply ingrained cultural values of a lower social class. This works fine, until their careers come to an end and their cash flow is cut off. For many of these professional athletes, they end up right back where they started from, and sometimes find themselves in worse shape than before. That is, they now have to figure out how to deal with the financial trauma of moving up in social class, and then slamming back down in social class, all without the necessary core identity changes along the way.

The second example probably happens more often than the first, yet it tends to get much less press. For the second example, let’s think about a young couple who have decided to start a young family. For comparisons sake, let’s say that they too have come from humble beginnings, like the professional athlete. This couple has taken the time to educate themselves and have now gotten to a place where they are successful professionals.

However, with the demands of two full-time professional careers, and their growing family, they need some additional help around the house. Though they both have full-time jobs, the wife is primarily responsible for managing their home. As a result, she proposes to her husband that they hire a housekeeper. Her husband’s reaction is not what she expects, as he grew up in a family where his family and their friends where “the cleaning people.” Feeling somewhat disgraced by her request, he says to her "we can't hire my people" to do this kind of work for us.

In sum, though the husband is a successful and well-educated professional, for him, the idea of hiring someone to clean his home does not mesh well with the core financial identity he grew up with. For the husband, there is an implication and remembered resentment of the families that used to hire his family to clean their homes, and he thinks to himself, “I don't not want to be one of those people.” The husband’s core financial identity is rigid on the topic of “hiring household help” because he has continued to identify with his lower social class, though he and his wife together earn a much higher level of income than his own parents did. He has not adequately adjusted his core financial identity since moving up in social class. Obvious differences of core financial identity between he and his wife lead to loads of frustration. They do not know how to move forward on this subject, and so they continue to fight. Ultimately, the stress of their financial identity differences takes its toll, and the couple grows apart from each other.

It can be more difficult than imagined, to cross social classes.  Many people imagine that having more money would provide them with greater opportunity. It can; however, such change requires a person to reestablish his/her core financial identity. You have to develop a new set of skills and abilities to be able to manage your money well. You must become aware of your own internal rules about money, the purposes they served at your previous economic level, and how some of those rules may no longer be relevant.

For me, one social class rule in particular that has evolved as my work has changed, relates to “packing my lunch” as a money saving strategy. Growing up in the blue collar middle class, I have always practiced this money saving rule. Yet, the more I grow my business and find myself working with white collar professionals, “having lunch out” is not only a normal practice, it is expected. I have realized that eating out for lunch within this different social class is not so much about the food as it is a way to share ideas, to network, and to build working relationships over a meal. Because these opportunities are important in helping me to continue to grow my business, it has become vital for me to readjust my thinking regarding this financial rule, and I have had to reestablish a part of my own, previous core financial identity.

To start the shift in your core financial identity it will take time in reflection. You will want to consider the rules about money and its use you learned during your upbringing. Then compare them to the rules that you observe for where you live now. Don’t rush this process, often the social class rules we live by are subtle and not always so obvious. With time and observation you can start to determine which social class rules you want to participate in and which ones you prefer to avoid.

Developing Your Philosophy Of Wealth

We live in a culture influenced by main stream media hype. Unfortunately, often times this media hype is centered on wealth creation, feeding us with a false sense of what wealth should be like in today’s society and providing us with a false hope of how we supposedly can obtain unrealistic amounts of overnight wealth.

Within a society that worships at the altar of wealth creation, many of us are left with an unclear definition of what wealth truly is (or should be). In this same sense, many of us have not taken the time to consider what wealth means to us (or to our families), nor have we developed a “system of thought” for our own personal wealth. 

As such, two important questions to consider are: How do you define wealth? And do you have, or do you follow a particular philosophy of wealth?

I am not here to make a case for any one particular philosophy of wealth, rather, I would merely like to challenge you to think about your own “system of thought” related to wealth, and how these ideas may or may not impact you and your spouse’s or your family’s finances.

Chances are, no matter what type of family you grew up in, you likely were influenced to feel one of three ways about money:

That there was never enough, that where was just enough, or that there was more than enough. Depending on your experience, these influences have likely driven you in a certain direction regarding your creation of personal wealth.

I know that for many entrepreneurs, who may have grown up in an environment where there was never enough money, their experiences influenced them to create a “problem solving” philosophy of wealth.  That is, their system of thought regarding wealth includes ways to make lots of money, not just for themselves, but for others in need as well. They became entrepreneurs because they never had enough growing up. Some of these entrepreneurs are wildly successful and end up having much more money than they ever dreamed of; however, many of them still are likely (and constantly) driven by the need to insulate themselves from that underlying feeling of not having enough.

It is difficult to live life feeling like there will never be enough. The other end of the spectrum of living with a feeling like there will never be enough is the development of a basic assumption that they will never be able to make enough money in order to provide for themselves or their family. For these individuals, this overall philosophy of wealth usually results in them taking on jobs or a certain lifestyle in which they cannot possibly support themselves or their families in even the most basic ways.

For an individual that grew up in a family where they felt like there was enough money, they likely internalized a sense of security with money. Not necessarily reliance or dependence but rather that when needed and important they could go out and get a job that would pay at a level appropriate to their level and type of education. This person is aware of the importance of money, but often does not feel anxious in the absence or abundance of money. Rather they recognize the balanced role that money plays in life.

I could provide more examples to draw distinctions between how individuals might react based on their childhood experiences with money; however, the reality is this: There is great nuance for every person regarding their philosophy of wealth. Everyone defines value and wealth differently. Some define wealth just by the numbers on the balance sheet; while, others are more comprehensive and include time, family, faith, and health as parts of their overall wealth picture.

Regardless of whether or not you have taken on a formal philosophy of wealth, money influences you and those around you. Without realizing it, you currently, probably live-out a system of thought related to money which affects you every day, in every decision you make, based on how you grew up. Just as everyone defines wealth differently, there is no one common definition of “wealth” to go by. This is why I challenge you to evaluate your own, or your family’s philosophy of wealth. Chances are, as you first start out on this journey, you will use other people's (likely your parent’s or caregiver’s) definitions of wealth until you can formulate your own.

To get the most out of this process, it would be best to first spend time working through your understanding of wealth. Then, you can engage in a conversation with your spouse or loved ones about their particular definition(s) of wealth. As you gain clarity, you and your spouse (or those around you) will likely reach a place where you share a somewhat similar philosophy of wealth. From here, you will be able to evaluate where you have room to grow, how you can collaboratively plan your future based on similarities in thought regarding what wealth is to you and your spouse or family, and where you can hold solid within your own system of thought regarding wealth creation. Only then will you be able to start making sound decisions together. Such conversations will be difficult at first, but if you stick with it over time, you will create shared meaning and purpose in your marriage and money.