What Is Financial Wholeness?

This is neither about making more or less money. It’s not about the right investment strategy, insurance products or even estate plan. Rather, it is about the way that you relate with these key elements of financial planning.

Financial wholeness is focused on understanding who you and your spouse are as people, and what financial plans are appropriate for both of you. If you are a small-business person, nurse, corporate or government employee, your definition of financial security and then life objectives will be defined differently. 

Personal financial planning is only coming into prominence over the last 40+ years. As people have entered into mass affluence and lost the sense of security that came from an agrarian society of the early 1900’s, or pension based retirements of the mid to late 1900’s, a shift in thinking about how to give meaning to live and manage the resources to accomplish that meaning is underway. As we live in this new millennium, what it means to create financial security is evolving, and certainly there is not one definition that will work for every individual.

While financial planning is focused on what to do with your money, financial wholeness has little to do with the actual money that you have. Rather, it’s a concept that speaks to our relationship with money and the way that we approach using money in our lives.  All of us live with conflicting and often unexplored beliefs and thoughts about money, which drive the way that we use money in our lives. Some of these beliefs and thoughts are helpful, while others can have disastrous implications for the way that we live our lives and engage in relationships with our significant others.

So then financial wholeness becomes about finding congruency between what we say we believe and think about money and what we actually do with it. To get to financial wholeness, we start with openness to personal exploration and a willingness to look at ourselves in ways we have not yet considered.

Over the next year I will release twenty four blog posts that will take you deeper into understanding what financial wholeness can mean for you and your family.

The Next Post Will Be – What Is Your Financial Story?

Written By: Ed Coambs

Edited By: Joey Glass

Compassion Changes Family Finance

Fighting with your spouse is readily acknowledged as one of the biggest challenges of marital life. It is often as if couples are from completely foreign countries and do not understand each others financial culture. Yet when the fighting ensues, there is often much that is provoked just below the surface of the argument that is creating the real challenge. These issues below the surface can be related to past suffering. In the September/October 2014 Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy article titled Family Therapy and The Science of Compassion author Laura B. Wallace highlights the importance of building compassion for improving family relationships. She says "Compassion means seeing and responding to suffering". How we see the problem before us and how we respond will in large part determine the outcome of the argument.

Take a minute to reflect:

How compassionate are you?

How compassionate does your spouse think you are?

What would change in your life if your level of compassion increased?

These are important questions to grapple with. I trust that all of us have room to grow in our ability to provide and receive compassion, especially when it comes to interacting with our family and finances. When our compassion grows, our ability to engage in the difficult topics of our marriage and money will increase.

The Stanford Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education has helped advance our understanding of the role of compassion in developing deeper levels of connection in our lives.
The center identified three types of compassion, which are; compassion for others, receiving compassion, and self compassion. Of these three types of compassion which is most difficult for you? What blocks you from experiencing compassion in this area of your life?

As we focus on building the three types of compassion, the solutions that we need to our problems will start to emerge. Sadly as long as we are not experiencing compassion, the pathways to finding positive solutions to our problems will be difficult to find. In counseling the idea of unconditional positive regard which parallels compassion is a key ingredient in helping people grow. Many therapists have found that once a person feels accepted for who they are and where they are, that then becomes the place that the person starts to experience the freedom to move forward in their life. There is an implicit trust that the solution is within the client, and that from experiencing unconditional positive regard the client will feel (not just think) like they can move forward.

My experience tells me that each of us has an easier time with one area of compassion and struggles with the other two. However, if we are not experiencing the three types of compassion then we are not experiencing the fullness of compassion. I see this often playing out in the caring professions, where the professionals have great compassion for others and will spend endless hours serving others, but will not take the time for themselves, or receive care for themselves.

As we slow down to reflect upon compassion for others, receiving compassion, and self compassion what feelings are being evoked in you? What types of resistance are you experiencing in your gut? Become aware of these responses and try to put names to them, as they are what is going to help guide you into deeper levels of compassion. Our resistance points are what will block us from giving and receiving more compassion.

Ultimately compassion is not something that is so much talked about as it is experienced through touch and tone/quality of voice. Growing these areas can help add substantial quality to your relationships. As our levels of compassion for our spouses and ourselves increase it makes approaching the difficult subjects of family finance all the more easier.

What are those areas of family finance that have felt unsafe to address? Hold this experience in your mind, now go to a place in your mind where you have experienced compassion. What did you experience with compassion in another area of your life, what was stirring in your body? Now how can you hold onto those summoned up experiences, and focus on addressing the family finances. Go slowly and with compassion in mind as you try to address the family finance issue at hand.

Saving Financial Face

We implicitly know and experience pressure to use our money in certain ways. If we don't behave in expected ways we anticipate experiencing a wide range of "negative" emotions. Instead of facing the emotions head on, we save financial face.

The reality is that we all have unspoken rules about how we are supposed to use money. Have you ever been sitting in church and felt obligated to put money in the offering plate, because the person next to you did? You think to yourself, what would they think if I don't drop something in the plate.

Or what about being out to eat with a group of friends. Everybody is ordering drinks, appetizers, entree's and deserts, but you don't want all that. At the end of the meal you feel the pressure to split the check evenly, when all you wanted was an entree. Our families are often another area where we feel it is necessary to save financial face. Can you say Christmas. Perhaps you are expected to pay for meals, vacations, clothing, health care, etc. because you have the good job, you are the father, you are the fill in the blank.

Depending on our role in family, marriage, and friendship, defines many of the decisions we ultimately make the the money that is within our control.

Other common places that we feel the pressure to save financial face include the membership at the country club, health club, swim club, children's sports, gymnastics, kids birthday parties oh and the list can go on for ever. The reality is that we get sucked into social relationships only to learn later that there are many more expectations on how we act and spend money than we had originally expected.

One of the classic examples is moving into a nicer neighborhood. The young couple is so proud that they got to buy their forever home. They tell themselves that they will keep it simple, they won't try to keep up with the Joneses, but those empty rooms yearn for filling and so before long the young couple is of to the furniture store, and not just any furniture store. One of those nice furniture stores. You know where the "good" stuff is.

So where, when, and what makes you feel like you have to save face financially? Have you taken the time to think about this. Have you taken the time to talk with your spouse about what situations make you feel uncomfortable and yet you still go with the flow.

We may never fully free ourselves from the situations that are going to evoke a desire to save financial face, that is without holing up in our house, not interacting with anyone, or ever going to the store. So what are we to do? First we need to increase our awareness around what makes us feel financial pressure.

The long term strategy is to work on our sense of maturity. This is really easy to say and often hard to do. Those people that I have met that are mature and have a healthy sense of themselves, also express low levels of pressure to save financial face.

 If you are ready to say no to saving financial face, and yes to keeping your financial priorities then try saying no to a request of you to spend money. The response might just surprise you.

You are to Grow

Despite the chaos of life, I have found that setting aside time every morning for devotions has a great calming and centering effect on my day. Recently I came across a piece of scripture that so moved and encouraged me, I felt compelled to share it. I know not all of my readers are Christians, but I think that there is a powerful message for all of us – regardless of religious affiliation – in the words of 2 Peter 1:5-9 (I’m calling the passage “You are to Grow”). Take a moment to read it and contemplate how it could apply to your life.

You are to Grow

2 Peter 1:5-9

For this very reason, make every effort to

Add to your faith, goodness

And to goodness, knowledge

And to knowledge, self control

And to self control, perseverance

And to perseverance, godliness

And to godliness, brotherly kindness

And to brotherly kindness, love.

For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure,

They will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive,

In your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

But if anyone does not have them,

He is nearsighted and blind,

And has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

As I read this short scripture, I was taken aback by the guidance I received from it. It struck me that, as I add goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love to my faith, I will put myself in a better position to be more effective and productive in my knowledge of God. This passage provided clear order to specific aspects of life that I can focus on to increase my certainty when it comes to my calling and destiny. To me, Peter is communicating that I am not expected to have each of these attributes perfectly dialed in, but over time, I should focus on growth in all of these areas. As a Christian, having a stronger grasp on these qualities will allow me to walk more closely with my Lord and Savior. 

Thank you for the opportunity to share something more personal with you today. I hope that this piece of scripture will increase your faith and affirm that you do not have to have everything together; instead, if you focus on the aforementioned attributes, you will feel yourself walking more confidently in your faith.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

For all your communication needs, she is all you need.

Grow your marriage by getting all the latest blog posts.

* indicates required

Email Address *

First Name

Last Name

Your Birthday

/ ( mm / dd )

Email Format

• html
• text

Sign

4 Quick Tips to Getting Over Your Money Arguments

Money arguments are a normal part of the marriage relationship. So it is important to have a framework for working through those arguments. Here are four simple tips to help you get through the money fights.

1. Encourage Fun and Reassurance. Identify ways that you can have fun together outside of the arguments you are having about money.

2. Be Giving and Loving. Develop an attitude of gratitude for the things your partner is doing right.

3. Shift Your Mentality from Poverty to Wealth. Identify the things that you do have (i.e. job, house, cars, each other, kids, etc.) instead of being focused on what you do not have.

4. Move from Provoking to Play. If you are fighting about money all the time, then set boundaries around the time when you will have "money talks". Something like Mondays from 6 - 7 pm. Keep the time short and consistent. If either spouse brings up money issues outside of that time, then the other spouse is allowed to do something playful or ridiculous like taking of their clothing until the other partner stops.


Please leave a comment with how you work through your money arguments.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more, 980-275-1627.

Regards,
Ed Coambs

Grow your marriage by getting all the latest blog posts.

* indicates required

Email Address *

First Name

Last Name

Your Birthday

/ ( mm / dd )

Email Format

• html
• text

Sign

Finding Healing-- A Crisis of Identity

Wow, what a week in Nashville for the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) conference! There were so many great speakers and singers, and most importantly, counselors, pastors and lay leaders. The energy was contagious and inspiring. It was a great time for learning, growing, sharing and worshipping. As promised in my post from 9/4, I will share with you as much as possible about what I learned.

For all of us at different points in life, we experience pain and tragedy, and yet how we respond to those experiences can have a significant impact on our mental and physical health. Throughout the conference, I got to hear from a wide range of therapists and pastors who approach helping people in many different styles.  Despite their differences, there was a resounding theme to the healing process.

To find healing, start with your identity, as it can anchor the rest of your healing work.  So, where should you do that?  For many of us, we anchor our identity in work, family, possessions, money, drugs... and the list could go on.  When we turn to Christ and understand that we are made in the Image of God (Gen 1:27), we form an immovable anchor - an anchor based on the Lord's promises to be our provider and sustainer.

However, when we are completely honest, it is hard to own our identity in God, especially when we feel uncertain about who God is. Or we may flat out refuse to align ourselves with God if we see him as distant, removed, harsh, condemning, or any other host of negative characteristics. Yet, when we gain confidence and trust that God is full of love and grace, then we can confidently anchor ourselves in Him. So, it is when we anchor ourselves in Christ that we are ready to begin the journey to restoration.

I look forward to sharing with you over the next several weeks many more lessons I learned from my time at the AACC conference. In the meantime, please share how your relationship with Christ has helped or challenged you.... 

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

For all your communication needs, she is all you need.

Stay Up To Date and Get Great Updates

* indicates required

Email Address *

First Name

Last Name

Email Format

• html
• text
• mobile

Moving Arguments to Resolution

In my last post, I made the case that having arguments in your marriage is normal. When you disagree, it is more important to bring arguments to a resolution for the benefit of your relationship and the health of your children.

Now, if you are uncertain how to bring conflict to resolution I recommend using what I call the “Stop, Drop & Roll” method.

Stop - Recognize that you are entering a conflict. Either you are going to initiate it, or your spouse is initiating with you. Remember, conflict does not always involve screaming and yelling; rather, it can include passive-aggressive behavior with subtleties that create tension but don't explode. Don't allow these conflicts to get buried deep down, because over time, it will lead to resentment. To better understand the impact of resentment on relationships, I recommend you look into the extensive work of Dr. John Gottman.

Drop - Drop your defenses and focus on what the other person is really upset about. There is a good chance that you may not fully recognize the source of their frustration. While your spouse may be bringing up a specific event or situation that has caused them to be upset, what you want to be listening for is the emotion behind the concern.

Example – Recently, I had become annoyed that my wife would always ask, "Did you lock the car?" whenever we parked and walked toward a store. This made me feel like she thought I was not capable of remembering to lock the car. Silly, I know, but that is the way many arguments start: over something seemingly simple. Once I realized this question was frustrating me, and I asked my wife why she was always asking it, I learned something very interesting. She admitted that she regularly forgets to lock her car door. Her asking me if I locked the door had everything to do with her going through her own mental check list of leaving the car and nothing to do with me at all. Rather, she was just going through her own process to make sure the car was locked. No ill will meant at all.

Roll - When you really understand where the other person is coming from, you must be ready to roll with the punches. Ultimately, your spouse will surprise you more often than not regarding the source of conflict and the way it makes them feel.

There you have it: Arguments are part of everyday life when living with someone. Next time something comes up, be ready to stop and recognize you are entering a conflict, drop your defenses and listen for the emotion behind the concern, and roll with the unexpected emotions and feelings of conflict.

How do you deal with conflict, and how do you think “Stop, Drop, and Roll” will work for your relationship?

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

For all your communication needs, she is all you need.

What Will I Learn?

I am excited to announce that I will be attending the American Association of Christian Counselors conference in Nashville, TN next week (Sept 11 - 14, 2013). I am excited for three reasons. First, I love to travel. Second, I love to meet new people, and third and most important of all, I love to learn.

I plan to get new and exciting information to better help YOU achieve your personal and relational goals. Here is a sample of some of the classes I will be taking.

1. Catherine Hart Weber, PhD. - Flourish in Life and Relationships: Best Practices for Thriving in Health and Wellbeing.

2. Robert Emmons, PhD. - Gratitude Works: How Gratitude Heals, Energizes and Transforms

3. Margaret Nagib, Psy.D. - How to Hope Instead of Cope: A New Paradigm for Therapeutic Intervention

4. Donald Harvey, PhD. - Sometimes I Get in the Way: Discovering Your Therapy Blind Spots

5. Gary Rosberg, Ed.D. & Barb Rosberg, B.F.A. - Coaching UP! Secrets to a Lasting Love and Marriage

6. David Hawkins, Ph.D. - When Marriage Counseling Fails: Getting Better at What We Do

Well, there you have it - six amazing classes. I know I will be able to share some great nuggets from them.

What would you like me to learn while at the conference? Post a comment below.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

For all your communication needs, she is all you need.