The Danger of Being Smart

What happens when you think you are smart? A long shadow emerges. It is the dark side of being smart without maturity. In my mind maturity allows us to see the benefits of our strengths but also the limitations of our strengths. I have the good fortune of working with many highly talented, bright and yes smart individuals. Yet as I try to work with them, I have noticed three trends.

The Trends
1. The little voice in their head says they know it all.
2. Their intelligence gets applied to areas they know nothing about (part of number 1)
3. Being wrong is a threat to their identity

Sadly these trends are why many smart couples remain overwhelmed and frustrated. Often both people in the marriage are very smart, highly educated and trained to think. Yet their problem solving skills in the areas of marriage and money are not developed. The reality is that many of the problems in our marriage and with our finances will not be resolved by intelligence alone. Rather they will need to be addressed at the emotional level first before logical answers can emerge. This thinking is based on the findings of research based Emotional Focused Therapy.

Rather than our intelligence serving us well, it acts as a protective measure against feelings of insecurity. In the field of psychology intelligence is seen as one of the most complex defense mechanisms. Intelligence allows us to navigate many obstacles in life, but it has its limitations. As we grow in maturity and recognize the limitations of our intelligence then the weight of responsibility can begin to fall of of your shoulders.

In our culture which prides itself on knowledge, the risk of looking like we don't know something is high. However when we recognize the necessity of vulnerability in our marriage and money then we can see that our intelligence is not threatened, but rather encouraged. When we start to acknowledge the limitations of our intelligence, then we can become receptive to getting the feed back that we need to grow and make the necessary changes. Sometimes this feedback needs to come from outside sources including financial planners and marriage counselors before we are ready to hear it from our spouse.

Getting to the place of recognizing the limitations of your knowledge may be difficult in part because you have been prized for your intelligence for so long. Yet in order to get along in your marriage and money it is not about letting go of intelligence, so much as it is about recognizing it's limitations.

Changing Social Class Leads To, Who Am I?

What happens to us when we move up or down in social class? Typically, the values and views that we developed as children are challenged. In our married life this an area ripe for arguments

For most of us, the way that we were raised forms our core financial identity. Our core financial identity informs many unspoken rules about our personal values and the way that money is to be used in our lives. Hence, this is why we feel challenged when we experience a shift up or down in social class. Such feelings also are brought on when we encounter people of other social classes than our own, because most often, these individuals hold different values that sometimes challenge our own values.

As we move across social classes, we enter into new rules, and new ways of relating to people. If a part of our core identity does not have flexibility, then we become overwhelmed by the transition and do everything we can to revert back to a place of comfort and familiarity. Much of this happens at a subconscious level.

Let's look at two examples of dealing with change in social class, one which is commonly known, and one which is much less known. First, let’s think about young new professional athletes, entering into a pro sport, who perhaps may have come from humble beginnings and little money. These athletes enter into their new world flooded with an abundance of cash and opportunity unlike they have ever imagined. Sure, they may have dreamed of having loads of money and success—which is likely a contributing factor to how they reached the amazing level of success that they have achieved—however, too often, athletes in these types of situations forget one important thing: They forget to consider the necessary work needed to realign their core identity with their change in social class. As a result, inside, deep down, they likely still see themselves as someone from humble beginnings, and so they live out the deeply ingrained cultural values of a lower social class. This works fine, until their careers come to an end and their cash flow is cut off. For many of these professional athletes, they end up right back where they started from, and sometimes find themselves in worse shape than before. That is, they now have to figure out how to deal with the financial trauma of moving up in social class, and then slamming back down in social class, all without the necessary core identity changes along the way.

The second example probably happens more often than the first, yet it tends to get much less press. For the second example, let’s think about a young couple who have decided to start a young family. For comparisons sake, let’s say that they too have come from humble beginnings, like the professional athlete. This couple has taken the time to educate themselves and have now gotten to a place where they are successful professionals.

However, with the demands of two full-time professional careers, and their growing family, they need some additional help around the house. Though they both have full-time jobs, the wife is primarily responsible for managing their home. As a result, she proposes to her husband that they hire a housekeeper. Her husband’s reaction is not what she expects, as he grew up in a family where his family and their friends where “the cleaning people.” Feeling somewhat disgraced by her request, he says to her "we can't hire my people" to do this kind of work for us.

In sum, though the husband is a successful and well-educated professional, for him, the idea of hiring someone to clean his home does not mesh well with the core financial identity he grew up with. For the husband, there is an implication and remembered resentment of the families that used to hire his family to clean their homes, and he thinks to himself, “I don't not want to be one of those people.” The husband’s core financial identity is rigid on the topic of “hiring household help” because he has continued to identify with his lower social class, though he and his wife together earn a much higher level of income than his own parents did. He has not adequately adjusted his core financial identity since moving up in social class. Obvious differences of core financial identity between he and his wife lead to loads of frustration. They do not know how to move forward on this subject, and so they continue to fight. Ultimately, the stress of their financial identity differences takes its toll, and the couple grows apart from each other.

It can be more difficult than imagined, to cross social classes.  Many people imagine that having more money would provide them with greater opportunity. It can; however, such change requires a person to reestablish his/her core financial identity. You have to develop a new set of skills and abilities to be able to manage your money well. You must become aware of your own internal rules about money, the purposes they served at your previous economic level, and how some of those rules may no longer be relevant.

For me, one social class rule in particular that has evolved as my work has changed, relates to “packing my lunch” as a money saving strategy. Growing up in the blue collar middle class, I have always practiced this money saving rule. Yet, the more I grow my business and find myself working with white collar professionals, “having lunch out” is not only a normal practice, it is expected. I have realized that eating out for lunch within this different social class is not so much about the food as it is a way to share ideas, to network, and to build working relationships over a meal. Because these opportunities are important in helping me to continue to grow my business, it has become vital for me to readjust my thinking regarding this financial rule, and I have had to reestablish a part of my own, previous core financial identity.

To start the shift in your core financial identity it will take time in reflection. You will want to consider the rules about money and its use you learned during your upbringing. Then compare them to the rules that you observe for where you live now. Don’t rush this process, often the social class rules we live by are subtle and not always so obvious. With time and observation you can start to determine which social class rules you want to participate in and which ones you prefer to avoid.

Developing Your Philosophy Of Wealth

We live in a culture influenced by main stream media hype. Unfortunately, often times this media hype is centered on wealth creation, feeding us with a false sense of what wealth should be like in today’s society and providing us with a false hope of how we supposedly can obtain unrealistic amounts of overnight wealth.

Within a society that worships at the altar of wealth creation, many of us are left with an unclear definition of what wealth truly is (or should be). In this same sense, many of us have not taken the time to consider what wealth means to us (or to our families), nor have we developed a “system of thought” for our own personal wealth. 

As such, two important questions to consider are: How do you define wealth? And do you have, or do you follow a particular philosophy of wealth?

I am not here to make a case for any one particular philosophy of wealth, rather, I would merely like to challenge you to think about your own “system of thought” related to wealth, and how these ideas may or may not impact you and your spouse’s or your family’s finances.

Chances are, no matter what type of family you grew up in, you likely were influenced to feel one of three ways about money:

That there was never enough, that where was just enough, or that there was more than enough. Depending on your experience, these influences have likely driven you in a certain direction regarding your creation of personal wealth.

I know that for many entrepreneurs, who may have grown up in an environment where there was never enough money, their experiences influenced them to create a “problem solving” philosophy of wealth.  That is, their system of thought regarding wealth includes ways to make lots of money, not just for themselves, but for others in need as well. They became entrepreneurs because they never had enough growing up. Some of these entrepreneurs are wildly successful and end up having much more money than they ever dreamed of; however, many of them still are likely (and constantly) driven by the need to insulate themselves from that underlying feeling of not having enough.

It is difficult to live life feeling like there will never be enough. The other end of the spectrum of living with a feeling like there will never be enough is the development of a basic assumption that they will never be able to make enough money in order to provide for themselves or their family. For these individuals, this overall philosophy of wealth usually results in them taking on jobs or a certain lifestyle in which they cannot possibly support themselves or their families in even the most basic ways.

For an individual that grew up in a family where they felt like there was enough money, they likely internalized a sense of security with money. Not necessarily reliance or dependence but rather that when needed and important they could go out and get a job that would pay at a level appropriate to their level and type of education. This person is aware of the importance of money, but often does not feel anxious in the absence or abundance of money. Rather they recognize the balanced role that money plays in life.

I could provide more examples to draw distinctions between how individuals might react based on their childhood experiences with money; however, the reality is this: There is great nuance for every person regarding their philosophy of wealth. Everyone defines value and wealth differently. Some define wealth just by the numbers on the balance sheet; while, others are more comprehensive and include time, family, faith, and health as parts of their overall wealth picture.

Regardless of whether or not you have taken on a formal philosophy of wealth, money influences you and those around you. Without realizing it, you currently, probably live-out a system of thought related to money which affects you every day, in every decision you make, based on how you grew up. Just as everyone defines wealth differently, there is no one common definition of “wealth” to go by. This is why I challenge you to evaluate your own, or your family’s philosophy of wealth. Chances are, as you first start out on this journey, you will use other people's (likely your parent’s or caregiver’s) definitions of wealth until you can formulate your own.

To get the most out of this process, it would be best to first spend time working through your understanding of wealth. Then, you can engage in a conversation with your spouse or loved ones about their particular definition(s) of wealth. As you gain clarity, you and your spouse (or those around you) will likely reach a place where you share a somewhat similar philosophy of wealth. From here, you will be able to evaluate where you have room to grow, how you can collaboratively plan your future based on similarities in thought regarding what wealth is to you and your spouse or family, and where you can hold solid within your own system of thought regarding wealth creation. Only then will you be able to start making sound decisions together. Such conversations will be difficult at first, but if you stick with it over time, you will create shared meaning and purpose in your marriage and money.