The Danger of Being Smart

What happens when you think you are smart? A long shadow emerges. It is the dark side of being smart without maturity. In my mind maturity allows us to see the benefits of our strengths but also the limitations of our strengths. I have the good fortune of working with many highly talented, bright and yes smart individuals. Yet as I try to work with them, I have noticed three trends.

The Trends
1. The little voice in their head says they know it all.
2. Their intelligence gets applied to areas they know nothing about (part of number 1)
3. Being wrong is a threat to their identity

Sadly these trends are why many smart couples remain overwhelmed and frustrated. Often both people in the marriage are very smart, highly educated and trained to think. Yet their problem solving skills in the areas of marriage and money are not developed. The reality is that many of the problems in our marriage and with our finances will not be resolved by intelligence alone. Rather they will need to be addressed at the emotional level first before logical answers can emerge. This thinking is based on the findings of research based Emotional Focused Therapy.

Rather than our intelligence serving us well, it acts as a protective measure against feelings of insecurity. In the field of psychology intelligence is seen as one of the most complex defense mechanisms. Intelligence allows us to navigate many obstacles in life, but it has its limitations. As we grow in maturity and recognize the limitations of our intelligence then the weight of responsibility can begin to fall of of your shoulders.

In our culture which prides itself on knowledge, the risk of looking like we don't know something is high. However when we recognize the necessity of vulnerability in our marriage and money then we can see that our intelligence is not threatened, but rather encouraged. When we start to acknowledge the limitations of our intelligence, then we can become receptive to getting the feed back that we need to grow and make the necessary changes. Sometimes this feedback needs to come from outside sources including financial planners and marriage counselors before we are ready to hear it from our spouse.

Getting to the place of recognizing the limitations of your knowledge may be difficult in part because you have been prized for your intelligence for so long. Yet in order to get along in your marriage and money it is not about letting go of intelligence, so much as it is about recognizing it's limitations.

FOMO with Marriage and Money

A new wonderful term has entered my language that I learned while talking with another friend of mine. The term is FOMO. Have you heard of it? I hadn't either. So what in the world is FOMO? It simply stands for Fear Of Missing Out. As soon as FOMO was stated word for word, I instantly new what my friend was talking about. What a simple way to describe the way that we often feel about many different subjects in our life.

Sadly we all get sucked into the pressure cooker of life and become convinced that if we don't participate in certain things, that we will certainly be missing out. To not have, or not be something in our culture generates loads of fear. When we stop and think about it, our FOMO is often not based in reality, but rather perception.

What do you fear missing out on in your marriage?

What do you fear missing out on with your money?

These two simple questions likely have very deep and personal responses behind them. Don't miss out on the opportunity to reflect on these questions. What do you really fear missing out on? Where have these ideas come from? Don't miss that it could be multiple sources of influence, so don't just stop at one. Rather keep digging to determine why you fear missing out. The next step is to evaluate what causes you to maintain this fear of missing out. Perhaps it is your family, friends, faith, or the media you consume.

The reality is that fear is a powerful motivator, it is said to be the most powerful motivator. Robert Wilson on his Psychology Today article talks about why fear is so powerful. What can we do to combat FOMO's suffocating effects on our life? First let's start out with how it develops. Early in life we learn through experience about fear as a motivator. Have you ever had your parents threaten to take away your desert privileges if you don't eat your vegetables?  For many children these early fear based tactics teach the powerful motivation of FOMO. When used over and over again we become desensitized to the use of fear for motivation.

From parents, to adolescent friends, and all too powerful marketers we learn to fear missing out, not being a part of the "in" crowd. Whoever is in a position of power communicates in subtle and not so subtle ways that others may be missing out. Can you say HGTV. Sure is it entertaining to watch some couple go from renovation disaster, to total makeover. But it gets the gears turning that we might be missing out on renovating our own home.

What about your marriage? Have you ever seen the sandals resort commercial, man after I see one of those, I totally feel like I am missing out on the time of my life with my wife.

Don't take me the wrong way, there is a time and place for both home renovations and vacations with your spouse.  FOMO becomes a problem when we are consumed by it, which then impacts our ability to save for other priorities, or to simply enjoy the company of our spouses.

Overcoming FOMO starts with one question. What is important to me? Then allowing the answer to the question develop over a period of time and reflection. While books, magazines, shows and blogs, may give you loads of ideas, the reality is that your authenticity will show best when it comes from personal reflection. First looking within and to God will help you determine what is most important.

Building Your City Sky Scrapers

How is a sky scraper built? If you have been in a major city during a project of this nature, you have probably walked by a huge hole in the ground. In order for a sky scraper to rise up, the builders must first start by going deep into the ground. Why is that? The depth they dig allows the builders to lay the strongest of foundations. Does it take time to dig deep? Yes. Does it cost lots of money? Yes. Would the builder rather see the finished product sooner than later? Yes. But the smart builder knows that they must take the discipline of digging deep with no noticeable gain before having a marvelous sky scraper.

The same is true of our lives; the deeper we dig in, the higher we can go. We do not have the luxury of starting with a fresh piece of ground to build from, but neither does the sky scraper developer. In a crowded major city, the builder often has to dismantle what was previously there before they can even start to dig. This, too, is true of ourselves. Often we have to clear some things out of the way before we are ready to dig deeper into our lives.

After the ground has been dug out and the foundation laid, the first elements of structural support are put into place. Slowly but surely, with a plan and constant attention, a structure begins to emerge from below the surface and rise high into the sky. Anyone who lives in a city and has watched sky scrapers be built knows that, once the ground has been dug out and the foundation has been set, the structure begins to rise quickly. In those beginning phases, has it reached it beauty yet? No. Is it building toward something to behold? Absolutely.

The beauty of the sky scraper begins to emerge a year, two years, and sometimes longer after the initial work is started. In the final phase, the sky scraper starts to receive its exterior, or what the world will see of it. That exterior cannot come before the interior of the building is developed and completed. It is after years of hard work, thought, planning, revision  and effort have been put into place that the passerby begins to take notice of the beautiful building. When it’s done, there is something to marvel at and acknowledge. Did we see beauty in the hole? Likely not. Did we see beauty in the foundation? Doubtful. Did we see beauty in the structure? Probably not. Did we finally recognize the beauty with the skin of the building placed upon it? Definitely.

Our life, marriage and finances are not just like the process of one sky scraper being built, but rather an entire metropolitan city that is under constant construction. Living and visiting big cities, we all know that development is never done. The timeline of projects ebbs and flows, but there is always at least one (if not many) projects in different phases of completion. This, too, is how our life operates. We have our own sky scrapers that are in different phases of development.

Take some time now to name the buildings that you are working on. What phase are they in? Clearing, digging, foundation, structure, finishing… What purpose will each building serve in your city of life? Recognize that many of your sky scrapers will come down one day, only to make space for a new one. 

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.
Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on FacebookFor all your communication needs, she is all you need.

The Dreamer and The Practical's Dilemma

“Help - I married a visionary! They have all these great dreams and ideas for what they want in the future, but I have no idea how it will ever happen. All I can think about is how much it’s going to cost and how we are never going to be able to afford bringing all of those visions to reality.” 

Does this sound like a problem in your marriage? In many relationships, there is often a dreamer and a more practical person. It does not always start out this way, but there is an inherent need in life to dream about the future while managing the demands of the present. Over time and throughout marriage, we unofficially decide who gets permission to dream and who gets to be practical. Why does this happen? Because each person has a history that they want to fulfill; part of it is their personality, and another component is station and place in which they live now.

Let’s start with history. Each of us draws heavily from our childhood experiences and its influences. Our parents and our position in the family (like it or not) heavily influence the way that we see the world. Perhaps your parents told you to dream and shoot for the moon, which naturally lays the foundation for a visionary. If not, maybe your parents expected perfection and high marks in school, and for you, that meant hard work and discipline. No time for dreaming there. While most of us probably had a blend of both attitudes, it is these early years of our childhood, and our family values that shape our orientation toward dreams and dealing with the practical matters of living. 

From our early influences, we start to see the world in a certain way. That is the nurture component of who we are. The nature component, on the other hand, leaves us with predispositions toward dreaming or practicality. The formation of our personality is semi-fixed by the coding that we are born with. Personality profile tests have shown the consistence with which certain characteristics remain constant over time. A common example is our preference for extroversion or introversion. Please note that I said “preference,” which means most of the time that is the way that we experience the world. We inevitably all experience to varying degrees the other end of the continuum, too. 

Combining our early childhood experiences with our given personality type, we end up in the adult world ready to forge our path. Whether we are aware of it or not, our history and personality shape the decisions we make about where we live, who we spend time with, the type of work we engage in and ultimately who we marry. It is in marriage that we find two worlds of history and personality colliding over what we think is love, which in reality is a deep need to be connected with another human and to have unfulfilled needs met. 

While in our culture we are infatuated with romantic love, we must come to see that it is far more complex and dynamic. A quick Google search of "types of love" will produce loads of interesting results. Yet what is important to keep in mind is that there are various types of love and needs we are trying to fulfill. The question is why? Often, opposites attract to meet unconscious and unspoken needs. Fulfilling the need to dream and to be practical is a major part of living and an inherent part of the person that we marry. Every person has the capacity to dream and be practical, but it is because of each person’s unique path in life that they tend toward one direction or the other on the continuum. As one partner moves in direction A, there is a natural need for the other partner to move in direction B to keep things in balance. 

Here is where it gets tricky: most couples are dynamic. One person is not fully responsible for dreaming while the other is fully responsible for practicality. The roles often shift given different areas of living, such as parrenting, saving for the future, or careers. It is as if couples dance through life trying to manage their unfilled dreams while meeting the demands we all face. They are constantly calling their partner back into balance, as their relationship can only handle so much tension.

Remember that when you are getting frustrated, angry or overwhelmed with your partner’s preference for dreaming or practicality, it is often their reaction to your opposite response. Spend time coming to the other end of the continuum, it will change your dynamic. 

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.
Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on FacebookFor all your communication needs, she is all you need.

Your Greatest Financial Risk Is Not What You Think?

Risk is everywhere. 

The potential for loss and its negative financial impact has allowed for the vast and complex world of the insurance industry to develop and thrive. As adults, we learn through many different lessons that we should fear economic loss, and that the best way to manage that risk is to make sure we have the proper insurances in place.

Often, our first introduction to insurance happens after getting a drivers license. Then, when we complete college and get our first job, we start to sort through health insurance. Life then continues on, and at some point, we start the process of building our family. We get married, buy a home and have children, which bring on another host of insurance policies to purchase: life, home owners’ and disability. 

Stay with me, I know talking about insurance and risk management is about as much fun as getting a root canal, but I promise I have a point.  

Now that your family is growing, you start to think about college savings and retirement planning, and you realize that you not only need insurance, but you also need to be setting aside money for the future. So, you and your wife start to faithfully put money into your companies’ 401K plans.  You are no longer the kid learning to drive and hearing about insurance for the first time; you have a complex life with many different financial responsibilities.

Then one day, it happens: the financial risk you did not plan for, nor can you insure against or save enough money to prevent: divorce.  

This news rocks your emotional, spiritual and financial life. Everything changes. All the hard work of building, creating and maintaining financial security evaporates, and  myriad of questions about your financial security open up. 

What can you do? We don't get married for financial support, do we? We (hopefully) get married because we love someone. Yet, over time, we come to trust our partner, and there is a financial element to the relationship. This is the very reason why we buy life insurance; we don't want to leave our spouse with an unreasonable financial burden in the event of our untimely death. 

Creating marital stability and security at times can seem overwhelming, frustrating and exhausting, but the effort is far worth it. While financial security should not be the determining factor in making a decision to stay married or get divorced, it is important to get help in really understanding the full cost of divorce from an emotional, spiritual and financial perspective.  

There is hope for restoration in marriage, even in the darkest of days. Consider working with a trained marriage and family therapist to help keep your marriage on the right track. 

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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Money: Nothing But a Number or Nothing But Emotions

To say that my wife and I respond to and see numbers differently would be an understatement. Okay, okay - I know there isn't a couple who hasn't had an argument about  finances in their marriage. But how many couples feel like they understand why they get into so many of the same arguments?

Recently, I shared with my wife just before she walked out the door for work that we needed a certain amount of money to cover some upcoming bills. When she got home that evening, she told me that she worried all day about it. I was surprised, because I thought what I shared was objective, but in reality, it was interpreted as us not having enough to pay our bills – which wasn’t the case at all.

But wait - numbers are objective, right? I mean, what do you think when you read the word “two?” The number, I would imagine. But what happens when I add more context and write “$2?” Suddenly, the meaning changes.

Numbers in and of themselves are objective pieces of data, but what they represent can be very emotional. That is why you can have two people look at the same budget, financial goal or investment and feel very different about it.

Bottom line: it is important to take time to slow down and understand what the numbers represent to your spouse and how they are interpreting them.

Sure, it would be nice if we all saw the situation objectively, but that’s not always the case. For example, if I typed “$1,000,” what would you think? Now, what if I added that that’s what I brought in for the week?

Talking about money from an emotional perspective can be both exciting and refreshing when we keep a few simple tips in mind.

1. Time it - If you regularly get into fights about a household finance topic, set aside a specific time to address it.

2. Explore it – Ask your significant other, “What does this information mean to you? How does this information impact you?”

3. Define it - Create shared definitions of what it means to budget, invest, save, to have money, to not have money, and any other terms where you typically got stuck.

4. Delve into your family history - Learn about how money was used in your spouse’s family of origin. Ask how their mom or dad viewed and talked about finances.

5. Exercise patience and persistence - Remember that talking about money  can be hard, and you will not always agree. Be willing to stick it out and learn more about your spouse.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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Yes, We Can Change

How many times have you and your spouse tried to change the way you deal with money? If you are like most couples, the answer is probably too many times to count. Developing healthy money behaviors can be difficult and frustrating. Fortunately, there is hope that change can happen. It comes with understanding that there is a normal process to change. 

The difficult part about adjusting our negative money behaviors is when we start to realize how many aspects of our life will also need to change. When we travel down the road of change, it is as if we have entered a dark tunnel and our headlights will only shine so far, but as we move further into the tunnel, we realize that there is more to discover. I have been on the journey of learning how to manage and live with money for over ten years, and while I feel like I have mastered the fundamentals, there are always new challenges that arise. 

So, what stops us from entering the process of change? It is an intuitive sense that there will be set backs. It is this awareness that stops us from entering this unpredictable yet necessary cycle of change. Yet if we stick with it and remain focused on where we want to end up, then we have a real chance at growth. 

Through years of research, Prochaska and DiClemente have developed a clear model of six distinct phases to guide ongoing behavior change and growth. 

Using this model can help us overcome the frustration of change, and it can also remind us that the process follows a natural cycle. What financial behaviors are holding you back from moving into the next stage of life?

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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