In my last post, I made the case that having arguments in your
marriage is normal. When you disagree, it is more important to bring arguments
to a resolution for the benefit of your relationship and the health of your
children.
Now, if you are uncertain how to bring conflict to resolution I recommend using what I call the “Stop, Drop & Roll” method.
Stop - Recognize that you are entering a conflict. Either you are going to initiate it, or your spouse is initiating with you. Remember, conflict does not always involve screaming and yelling; rather, it can include passive-aggressive behavior with subtleties that create tension but don't explode. Don't allow these conflicts to get buried deep down, because over time, it will lead to resentment. To better understand the impact of resentment on relationships, I recommend you look into the extensive work of Dr. John Gottman.
Drop - Drop your defenses and focus on what the other person is really upset about. There is a good chance that you may not fully recognize the source of their frustration. While your spouse may be bringing up a specific event or situation that has caused them to be upset, what you want to be listening for is the emotion behind the concern.
Example – Recently, I had become annoyed that my wife would always ask, "Did you lock the car?" whenever we parked and walked toward a store. This made me feel like she thought I was not capable of remembering to lock the car. Silly, I know, but that is the way many arguments start: over something seemingly simple. Once I realized this question was frustrating me, and I asked my wife why she was always asking it, I learned something very interesting. She admitted that she regularly forgets to lock her car door. Her asking me if I locked the door had everything to do with her going through her own mental check list of leaving the car and nothing to do with me at all. Rather, she was just going through her own process to make sure the car was locked. No ill will meant at all.
Roll - When you really understand where the other person is coming from, you must be ready to roll with the punches. Ultimately, your spouse will surprise you more often than not regarding the source of conflict and the way it makes them feel.
There you have it: Arguments are part of everyday life when living with someone. Next time something comes up, be ready to stop and recognize you are entering a conflict, drop your defenses and listen for the emotion behind the concern, and roll with the unexpected emotions and feelings of conflict.
How do you deal with conflict, and how do you think “Stop, Drop, and Roll” will work for your relationship?
Now, if you are uncertain how to bring conflict to resolution I recommend using what I call the “Stop, Drop & Roll” method.
Stop - Recognize that you are entering a conflict. Either you are going to initiate it, or your spouse is initiating with you. Remember, conflict does not always involve screaming and yelling; rather, it can include passive-aggressive behavior with subtleties that create tension but don't explode. Don't allow these conflicts to get buried deep down, because over time, it will lead to resentment. To better understand the impact of resentment on relationships, I recommend you look into the extensive work of Dr. John Gottman.
Drop - Drop your defenses and focus on what the other person is really upset about. There is a good chance that you may not fully recognize the source of their frustration. While your spouse may be bringing up a specific event or situation that has caused them to be upset, what you want to be listening for is the emotion behind the concern.
Example – Recently, I had become annoyed that my wife would always ask, "Did you lock the car?" whenever we parked and walked toward a store. This made me feel like she thought I was not capable of remembering to lock the car. Silly, I know, but that is the way many arguments start: over something seemingly simple. Once I realized this question was frustrating me, and I asked my wife why she was always asking it, I learned something very interesting. She admitted that she regularly forgets to lock her car door. Her asking me if I locked the door had everything to do with her going through her own mental check list of leaving the car and nothing to do with me at all. Rather, she was just going through her own process to make sure the car was locked. No ill will meant at all.
Roll - When you really understand where the other person is coming from, you must be ready to roll with the punches. Ultimately, your spouse will surprise you more often than not regarding the source of conflict and the way it makes them feel.
There you have it: Arguments are part of everyday life when living with someone. Next time something comes up, be ready to stop and recognize you are entering a conflict, drop your defenses and listen for the emotion behind the concern, and roll with the unexpected emotions and feelings of conflict.
How do you deal with conflict, and how do you think “Stop, Drop, and Roll” will work for your relationship?
Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.
Ed Coambs
Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook
For all your communication needs, she is all you need.
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