What Do You Say About Money?

I know that I am not the only one walking around with voices in my head. No, I am not crazy, and neither are you. We all have these different voices playing back messages to us about who we are and how we should live our life. Many sound like the messages our parents told us. In psychological terms, these voices are called scripts. They are messages that replay over and over again in our head and guide the way that we make decisions and live our life. 

In Mind Over Money: Overcoming The Money Disorders That Threaten Our Financial Health by Dr. Brad Klontz and Dr. Ted Klontz, the authors talk extensively about scripts and how they are formed and influence our financial decision-making. The book highlights nine common relational money scripts, several of which I recognized as my own, and others as ones I have heard from people with whom I work. 

Take a few minutes to review this list of common relational money scripts and see which ones resonate with you. Think about why that may be the case and where you learned them. 

- Take care of your children now and they’ll take care of you later.

- You can tell how much someone loves you by how much they spend on you.

- If you hold others financially responsible, they will reject you.

- Spending money on others gives my life meaning.

- One of the ways to keep friends and family close it to give them gifts and loan them money.

- There will always be someone I can turn to for money.

- I’m not competent enough to take care of myself financially.

- I don’t need to learn how to manage money.

- It’s my duty to take care of less fortunate family members.

Each of these scripts has elements of truth but often gets distorted and misguides the way that we make financial decisions. The challenge is that, when we live out these scripts, they usually end up having both practical and emotional consequences on the way that we view and use money. 

Let’s take one script for example: "Spending money on others gives my life meaning." While this is one of the greatest truths of our culture and spiritual lives and grows out of a teaching that is it is better to give than receive, when taken too far, we rob ourselves of financial security and deny the receiving party the opportunity to learn how to support themselves. When we give too much to one person or group of people, they become dependent upon us, and they lose the opportunity to learn how to support themselves. 

Continually taking time to evaluate your scripts for their truths and distortions can start to set you free in the way that you handle your finances. To start identifying other scripts you may replay in your head, ask this simple question: “What do I believe to be true about money and relationships?”

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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Limited vs. Unlimited Life: Real Financial Implications

Recently, I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed, and I came across two very different perspectives that got me thinking about how I see the world. The reality is that we all have what is called worldview - a way in which we order our lives, then make decisions about how to live. Most of the time, our worldview is socially constructed by years of experiences and observations. We take in a variety of messages from many different sources, and they all contribute to the way in which we order our days. 

So, what did I see on Facebook that got me thinking? Take a minute to read these quotes. How do they sit with you? What do you like about them, and what do you disagree with?

"Life is short. Time is fast. No replay. No rewind. So enjoy every moment as it comes." -- Dr. Meg Meeker

“Don’t let anyone convince you to buy things you don’t need. Develop power over purchase and learn to say no.” -- Dave Ramsey

In the context of our financial lives, both quotes have very strong messages. The first tells me that I should spend whatever money I need to so that I can enjoy the moment. Just yesterday, after lunch with a good friend of mine, I stumbled into a kids’ store with my son. I had no intention of buying anything (first mistake right there), yet somehow ended up walking out of the store with $26 worth of toys. Why did I do this? The same reason as any father probably would - ecause of the momentary joy I got from seeing his smiling face with a new dump truck and puzzle. A la the first quote, I was living for the moment. 

The second quote evokes another part of me - the financial planner, the one who wants to master money. It reminds me that I should be saving, not spending. It reinforces the idea that, while I do want to experience joy today, I also want to have the resources to be able to enjoy 30 years from now. Once in the store, I decided I was just going to get a puzzle, but then I saw the huge dump truck with a simple sign that said $15, and I thought, “Wow, what a good deal.” Mind you, my son already has a large dump truck, yet I fell for it. Whoever put that $15 sales tag on the truck convinced me that it was a good deal. 

Here is the reality, and we all know this but often lose sight of it: everyday, we are given hundreds (if not thousands) of buying messages and opportunities. While I am a fan of personal responsibility, we must always realize we are working against a strong head wind when it comes to saying no to impulse purchases. We are not absolved of our responsibility for our decision making, but we also must remember that it is a bit more complex than just saying no.  

Ultimately, reconciling the desire to enjoy today (i.e. spend) with not buying things you don't need is an ongoing process in the development of my own worldview. As we move through life, we are constantly bombarded with messages about what to think, how to think, and when to think it. The challenge for your financial life is to become increasingly aware of your deepest values and to make decisions from that place. We have to live in the mindframe that we are not guaranteed tomorrow, but there is a pretty good chance that it will come. Finding the balance in your life between joy today and joy many years from now is much more of a fine art than an exact science. 

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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Embracing The Relationship Learning Curve

We have all seen people who look like naturals at whatever they are doing. Like many of you, I have spent the last week watching the Olympics, and I have been so impressed by the abilities of the athletes from around the globe. It seems like they have always been able to skate with grace or glide with speed, but once I hear their full back stories, I am reminded of all the hard work and ongoing training athletes go through to get to that place of excellence in their sport. 

Hearing stories about these Olympians reminds me of the learning curve that we all must embrace when we enter into and stay in marriage. Put simply, the learning curve requires tremendous effort to get started into a new activity. Once we begin, it will take time to develop and grow to a place where we will feel confident in our ability to maintain what we have learned. The relationship expert Harville Hendrix said, "The learning curve in relationships must be embraced." I interpret that to mean that we are not naturals at every dynamic of married life, particularly when we first start down that road. So, we must exert significant effort to grow in order to appear “natural” in our relationships.   Each person will bring different areas of strengths and weaknesses to the table. Recognizing your strengths and weaknesses, and then doing something about them, will help develop a committed marriage bond. Over time, with focused hard work, we can all enjoy the fruits of embracing the learning curve. It is also important to remember that there will be seasons in your marriage when a new learning curve shows up. Here are 5 places you can expect that to happen.

- The start of your marriage

- The birth of a child

- The change of a job

- The death of a loved love

- The kids leaving home for college

Fortunately for you, there are also some simple steps you can take when starting on the learning curve.

1. Recognize that you are entering the learning curve.

2. Move into the learning curve by identifying what you need to learn.

3. Expect setbacks and challenges, even after you reached mastery.

4. Ask for help and get guidance. Those who get to mastery never do it alone. 

5. Practice over and over, and look for immediate feedback when possible.

So, maybe your marriage is not where you want it to be, what would be different if you embraced the learning curve?

I recently listened to a great interview of Karen Cheng, who learned to dance in 100 days, could your marriage be completely different in 100 days? Check out Karen's interview and dance video for inspiration.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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What's needed at work is not what is always needed at home

You are an amazing lawyer, doctor, accountant, business person, radio personality, you name it. Whatever your occupation, let's  assume that you see yourself as great at what you do; you’ve achieved fantastic results, been rewarded with bonuses and promotions, and every year, you have more responsibilities and challenges ahead of you. Maybe you’ve thought along the way, “If I just get to this next level, my life will be easier,” but so far, you have not seen that to be the case. 

Our work, whether we like it or not, hugely influences the way we see ourselves, as well as many other aspects of our life, including family. Yet I have noticed time and time again instances where the qualities that make us successful at work actually impede our ability to flourish at home. For example I have been training to become a marriage counselor and just last night my wife and I talked about how I have become a better listner which is required for the job, but at the same time I often get frustrated in personal relationships because it feels like no one asks about me. My loving wife made the observation that perhaps it is because I am too busy asking questions and trying to understand everyone else, that I don’t give others the chance to know me.

So, I ask you to examine and define for yourself what it means to achieve results in your career and with your family. To get the ball rolling, here are three simple but profound questions to ask yourself. After answering the following about yourself, ask your spouse to do the same thing for you, then challenge them to answer these questions for themselves as well.

1.     Which skills and attributes make me great at my job?

2.    Which of my skills and attributes will help my family flourish? 

3.    With answers to the two previous questions in mind, which skills and attributes do I need to leave at the office?

The lesson is that there can be overlap in the skills and attributes that are needed for work and home life, but not all will transfer. When we see this clearly, then both our work and home life have a stronger chance of flourishing.

A fun way to clarify the picture of what is good for work and home is to use a  Venn diagram. Using a Venn diagram to organize what is best for work and home will clarify where there are differences and where there is overlap in the skills and attributes you bring to your family. Title one circle work, the other home. Fill in the circles with the skills and attributes that support work and home life. Then look for the overlaps and fill them in the middle overlapping part of the circles.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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You are to Grow

Despite the chaos of life, I have found that setting aside time every morning for devotions has a great calming and centering effect on my day. Recently I came across a piece of scripture that so moved and encouraged me, I felt compelled to share it. I know not all of my readers are Christians, but I think that there is a powerful message for all of us – regardless of religious affiliation – in the words of 2 Peter 1:5-9 (I’m calling the passage “You are to Grow”). Take a moment to read it and contemplate how it could apply to your life.

You are to Grow

2 Peter 1:5-9

For this very reason, make every effort to

Add to your faith, goodness

And to goodness, knowledge

And to knowledge, self control

And to self control, perseverance

And to perseverance, godliness

And to godliness, brotherly kindness

And to brotherly kindness, love.

For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure,

They will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive,

In your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

But if anyone does not have them,

He is nearsighted and blind,

And has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

As I read this short scripture, I was taken aback by the guidance I received from it. It struck me that, as I add goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love to my faith, I will put myself in a better position to be more effective and productive in my knowledge of God. This passage provided clear order to specific aspects of life that I can focus on to increase my certainty when it comes to my calling and destiny. To me, Peter is communicating that I am not expected to have each of these attributes perfectly dialed in, but over time, I should focus on growth in all of these areas. As a Christian, having a stronger grasp on these qualities will allow me to walk more closely with my Lord and Savior. 

Thank you for the opportunity to share something more personal with you today. I hope that this piece of scripture will increase your faith and affirm that you do not have to have everything together; instead, if you focus on the aforementioned attributes, you will feel yourself walking more confidently in your faith.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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