What Do You Say About Money?

I know that I am not the only one walking around with voices in my head. No, I am not crazy, and neither are you. We all have these different voices playing back messages to us about who we are and how we should live our life. Many sound like the messages our parents told us. In psychological terms, these voices are called scripts. They are messages that replay over and over again in our head and guide the way that we make decisions and live our life. 

In Mind Over Money: Overcoming The Money Disorders That Threaten Our Financial Health by Dr. Brad Klontz and Dr. Ted Klontz, the authors talk extensively about scripts and how they are formed and influence our financial decision-making. The book highlights nine common relational money scripts, several of which I recognized as my own, and others as ones I have heard from people with whom I work. 

Take a few minutes to review this list of common relational money scripts and see which ones resonate with you. Think about why that may be the case and where you learned them. 

- Take care of your children now and they’ll take care of you later.

- You can tell how much someone loves you by how much they spend on you.

- If you hold others financially responsible, they will reject you.

- Spending money on others gives my life meaning.

- One of the ways to keep friends and family close it to give them gifts and loan them money.

- There will always be someone I can turn to for money.

- I’m not competent enough to take care of myself financially.

- I don’t need to learn how to manage money.

- It’s my duty to take care of less fortunate family members.

Each of these scripts has elements of truth but often gets distorted and misguides the way that we make financial decisions. The challenge is that, when we live out these scripts, they usually end up having both practical and emotional consequences on the way that we view and use money. 

Let’s take one script for example: "Spending money on others gives my life meaning." While this is one of the greatest truths of our culture and spiritual lives and grows out of a teaching that is it is better to give than receive, when taken too far, we rob ourselves of financial security and deny the receiving party the opportunity to learn how to support themselves. When we give too much to one person or group of people, they become dependent upon us, and they lose the opportunity to learn how to support themselves. 

Continually taking time to evaluate your scripts for their truths and distortions can start to set you free in the way that you handle your finances. To start identifying other scripts you may replay in your head, ask this simple question: “What do I believe to be true about money and relationships?”

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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Don't Shoot The Messenger

Making good financial decisions can be hard work. Most of us arrive in the adult world never having taken one class on personal finance. Sure, you saw your mom use her credit card at the department store and your dad go off to work every day. But what did you really learn about how to effectively manage personal finances?

Family life can be very demanding, and the basics of living often don't get covered in daily conversations. Heck, many of our parents never learned how to manage their personal finances, so can we fault them for not teaching us how to do the same?

Our families are the messengers of life lessons. We grow up watching our parents’ every move. We are students of what they do and don't do. We notice the small things, like when Mom says she’s a saver, but never seems to have money for the really big things. Or when dad gruffly reflects, "Another day, another dollar.” These messages  teach us to view money in a certain way. The family language of money often has to be decoded, and we must examine the money messages our parents give us. Unless we tackle our financial uncertainties, we can be left feeling stuck, frustrated and scared about managing the financial resources we have.

Yet, in rare cases, there are those who feel financially secure. Yep, I said it: there are people out there who feel totally, unconditionally, 100% financially secure… but they are not who you think they are. They are not always the richest people in town - they are the people who have a good sense for what money can and cannot do for them in their life. 

How did these people get to a place of financial security? It was not magic, I can assure you. They took the time to look at what they learned from their family, determined what was helpful, then intentionally integrated that into their way of living. They also determined what negative views of money they had and let go of them. The financially secure identified the gaps in their knowledge of how to manage money, and then took time (and continue) to learn how to better manage the resources they have. Common learning experiences include reading books, attending classes and finding trustworthy advisors to help teach them how to manage money and expectations well. 

IMPORTANT LESSON: While learning to save, budget, and invest is important, the number one tip to financial security is to learn how to manage your expectations. It is the gap between where we are and where we expect we should be at any stage in life that is most likely to make us feel financially insecure. 

Don't get upset with your parents because you did not teach you everything you need to know about money. Don't have an attitude with your wife because you are not on the same page about money. Chances are your spouse didn't get all the right money messages, either. There is a significant possibility that you and your wife share some financial views. Likewise, there is a strong possibility that you will also think differently on certain topics.

To address the similarities and differences in money management approaches in your marriage, take time with your spouse to list out where you are on the same page and where you are different. When you identify those differences, realize that neither of you may be right, and that there may be other options for managing that situation then what you have considered. This is where learning about personal finance together can introduce new ideas to your family. If you don't take the time to study personal finance, then all you will have to base your decisions on are the lessons from your own family, which won’t always serve you well.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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Embracing The Relationship Learning Curve

We have all seen people who look like naturals at whatever they are doing. Like many of you, I have spent the last week watching the Olympics, and I have been so impressed by the abilities of the athletes from around the globe. It seems like they have always been able to skate with grace or glide with speed, but once I hear their full back stories, I am reminded of all the hard work and ongoing training athletes go through to get to that place of excellence in their sport. 

Hearing stories about these Olympians reminds me of the learning curve that we all must embrace when we enter into and stay in marriage. Put simply, the learning curve requires tremendous effort to get started into a new activity. Once we begin, it will take time to develop and grow to a place where we will feel confident in our ability to maintain what we have learned. The relationship expert Harville Hendrix said, "The learning curve in relationships must be embraced." I interpret that to mean that we are not naturals at every dynamic of married life, particularly when we first start down that road. So, we must exert significant effort to grow in order to appear “natural” in our relationships.   Each person will bring different areas of strengths and weaknesses to the table. Recognizing your strengths and weaknesses, and then doing something about them, will help develop a committed marriage bond. Over time, with focused hard work, we can all enjoy the fruits of embracing the learning curve. It is also important to remember that there will be seasons in your marriage when a new learning curve shows up. Here are 5 places you can expect that to happen.

- The start of your marriage

- The birth of a child

- The change of a job

- The death of a loved love

- The kids leaving home for college

Fortunately for you, there are also some simple steps you can take when starting on the learning curve.

1. Recognize that you are entering the learning curve.

2. Move into the learning curve by identifying what you need to learn.

3. Expect setbacks and challenges, even after you reached mastery.

4. Ask for help and get guidance. Those who get to mastery never do it alone. 

5. Practice over and over, and look for immediate feedback when possible.

So, maybe your marriage is not where you want it to be, what would be different if you embraced the learning curve?

I recently listened to a great interview of Karen Cheng, who learned to dance in 100 days, could your marriage be completely different in 100 days? Check out Karen's interview and dance video for inspiration.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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Falling Away; What do you need to let go of?

Fall is a beautiful season, with the vibrant colors of the leaves creating an amazing tapestry. But soon these bright and beautiful leaves will turn brown and fall away.

What do you need to let fall away during this season of fall? I am reminded as I watch the leaves fall off the trees this time of year, that we all need to let go of this years past hurts, wounds, and bad habits. When we allow the junk of the prior year to fall away, then we can be ready for a spring full of new life. But if we continue to hold onto those things that no longer have beauty and value in our life, then there will be no room for spring to emerge in our life.

As this relates to your marriage, what do you want to let go of?

What is stopping you from letting go?

What will you gain when you let go?

How will you feel?

How will your spouse experience you in a new way?

Allow this fall to be a season where you let the dead leaves of your life fall away.

Please feel free to give me a call to talk more, 980-275-1627.

Regards,
Ed Coambs

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Let go of your agenda and get to know your partner

I was recently venting to a friend about how busy I ‘ve been lately and what a struggle it has been to connect with my wife on a daily basis.

We’ve all been there with our significant others; that moment when our impatience prevails, and we think (or even say),“I don't have time to listen right now, honey. Just tell me what I need to know before I have to head to my next meeting, kids’ event, or whatever else requires my immediate attention.” Over time, the frantic pace of life can cause a distant feeling in our marriages. If that distance is left unattended for too long, it can most definitely lead to conflict.

So, how do we prevent conflict when we sense it on the horizon? For me, it boils down to making time to converse with my wife without an agenda. Too often when we engage with our spouses, is the dialogue ends up being about necessary details that keep life moving forward. Our son’s baseball game. The dog’s veterinary appointment. The car needing to go to the mechanic (definitely not dating fodder, so why should it dominate the discussion now?). Because of this, we miss the opportunity to inquire about how the other person is doing and feeling, which is vital to maintaining any meaningful relationship


Tips for Talking

- Share with your spouse that you want to hear how they are doing, not what they are doing.

- Find a quiet room in the house (no TV, no tablet, no children) and ask your spouse what he/she dreams about.

- Go for a walk with no direction or distance in mind. Allow the conversation to dictate your path.

- For something more romantic, take a bath together. Don’t be afraid of intimacy.

When we stop and remember that we married our spouses to be in a lifelong relationship with them and not just to get things done, we can take the time to move from the necessary exchange of information to the heart of connecting conversation: sharing feelings, hopes, aspirations and dreams.

Want advice on starting your own action plan? Give me a call at 980-275-1627.

Talk to you soon,
Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook
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