We Get Along Financially, Except …

When I tell people that I am a marriage counselor specializing in working with couples and their finances, I usually get one of two responses. The first consists of diving straight into the details of their financial lives and various events (a specific event or an interesting situation that's happened to them).

The second is a more cautious response. It goes something like, "We are really fortunate. We are on the same page financially."  Then there's an explanation of why things are good. As I listen for a bit, I respond and say, "That is wonderful." Then, after receiving acknowledgement, out comes the exception. Recently, I was talking with a doctor who thought my work was really interesting, and he said the oft-heard "well, my wife and I get along well in that department. We are blessed." I said, "Great!" Then came the exception ... "My wife thinks I have too much insurance."

Oh, is that so? Now this was a social setting so I did not get into the details, but this one of many examples that I hear once someone feels safe enough to share with me about their life. The reality is that we all have financial sticking points in our marriages. So the question becomes, are these sticking points driving a wedge into your relationship with your spouse? Is it affecting your ability to enjoy each other's company? Most couples can navigate a few minor disagreements, but stack several together and the stress increases. The reality is that there is often both an emotional cost and a financial cost when it comes to financial differences. In the case of the insurance for this spouse, this can be a common source of tension. If someone is spending $200/month in extra premium for insurance that one party perceives as unnecessary, what does that add up to in a year? $2,400.

Peace of mind just became really expensive for that couple. But the bigger question is why is this insurable risk so important to the person? Because often logic alone will not cause behavioral change.

Without knowing the details, we could assume that it was a disability policy that the doctor has. But the policy might not be technically unnecessary or a number of reasons. The reality is that the doctor's father became disabled at a young age, and that memory lays in the back of his brain about the need for disability insurance. Perhaps this is not a connection that he has made, but it then becomes a clear explanation about the disability. Further, the disability was caused by a motorcycle accident. The doctor does not even own a motorcycle and won't ride one. So does he really need this disability policy? Perhaps not. But hopefully these helps show that insurance policies are often more about meeting an emotional need and not a financial need. Yet, if we remain overly-insured based on objective needs, then we may be cutting off cash flow that could be allocated toward other important goals for the family.

Building Your City Sky Scrapers

How is a sky scraper built? If you have been in a major city during a project of this nature, you have probably walked by a huge hole in the ground. In order for a sky scraper to rise up, the builders must first start by going deep into the ground. Why is that? The depth they dig allows the builders to lay the strongest of foundations. Does it take time to dig deep? Yes. Does it cost lots of money? Yes. Would the builder rather see the finished product sooner than later? Yes. But the smart builder knows that they must take the discipline of digging deep with no noticeable gain before having a marvelous sky scraper.

The same is true of our lives; the deeper we dig in, the higher we can go. We do not have the luxury of starting with a fresh piece of ground to build from, but neither does the sky scraper developer. In a crowded major city, the builder often has to dismantle what was previously there before they can even start to dig. This, too, is true of ourselves. Often we have to clear some things out of the way before we are ready to dig deeper into our lives.

After the ground has been dug out and the foundation laid, the first elements of structural support are put into place. Slowly but surely, with a plan and constant attention, a structure begins to emerge from below the surface and rise high into the sky. Anyone who lives in a city and has watched sky scrapers be built knows that, once the ground has been dug out and the foundation has been set, the structure begins to rise quickly. In those beginning phases, has it reached it beauty yet? No. Is it building toward something to behold? Absolutely.

The beauty of the sky scraper begins to emerge a year, two years, and sometimes longer after the initial work is started. In the final phase, the sky scraper starts to receive its exterior, or what the world will see of it. That exterior cannot come before the interior of the building is developed and completed. It is after years of hard work, thought, planning, revision  and effort have been put into place that the passerby begins to take notice of the beautiful building. When it’s done, there is something to marvel at and acknowledge. Did we see beauty in the hole? Likely not. Did we see beauty in the foundation? Doubtful. Did we see beauty in the structure? Probably not. Did we finally recognize the beauty with the skin of the building placed upon it? Definitely.

Our life, marriage and finances are not just like the process of one sky scraper being built, but rather an entire metropolitan city that is under constant construction. Living and visiting big cities, we all know that development is never done. The timeline of projects ebbs and flows, but there is always at least one (if not many) projects in different phases of completion. This, too, is how our life operates. We have our own sky scrapers that are in different phases of development.

Take some time now to name the buildings that you are working on. What phase are they in? Clearing, digging, foundation, structure, finishing… What purpose will each building serve in your city of life? Recognize that many of your sky scrapers will come down one day, only to make space for a new one. 

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.
Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on FacebookFor all your communication needs, she is all you need.

Not just money: Fears, feelings and the pressures of marriage (part two)

Who wants to waste time fighting about money? Not me (or you, I presume). Yet, at one point or another during our marriages, we will in fact face some dispute over money; perhaps multiple disputes. But the reality is that, when we fight about finances,  the conflict tends to be about a lot more than what’s on the surface.

Let’s revisit the story of Bob and Sally from my previous post. For them, the argument over money was rooted in the fact that  Bob was feeling fearful about his future job stability, and Sally was still holding on to the pain of not having enough to go around as a child. Bob wants to get away every once in a while to forget his troubles, but Sally doesn't want the family to spend any discretionary money because she’d rather see it all go into their bank account.

If you are like Bob and Sally and find yourself butting heads with your partner like this, there is hope: you can indeed work through your arguments. You just might need to consider a new approach.

Try these five actions  to help you move away from the topic of money and toward the feelings, fears and pressures behind the money argument.

1. Remain open-minded and curious about why your spouse is bringing up the issue. Remember that there are two ways to respond: logically or emotionally. The reality is that most of us respond with a bit of both, so we want to acknowledge both the logical and emotional components of our partner’s perspective.

2. Ask, “When you bring up ____________ about money what do you want me to know?” This will help you to see where your partner is coming from and hopefully give you a fresh perspective on what they are really communicating.

3. Ask, “Why is ________________ about money important to you?” This is important because most of us haven’t ever thought as much about why something is important to us, we just know that it is.

4. Ask, “What pressures and fears are you experiencing in life right now that I don’t know about?” This will help you reconnect with your partner, when life has gotten busy.

5. Communicate with your spouse that. “When you bring up _____________ about money, it makes me feel _______________.,which causes me to __________________.” This will help you to connect the dots for your partner about why you are responding the way that you are. communicate with your partner.

At the end of the day, moving beyond your money arguments requires growing amounts of empathy and a desire to truly know your partner for all their strengths and limitations. When the enevitable money arguments come up, slow down and take your time to really understand where your partner is coming from, and don’t just presume that you know because of past experience.

Want advice on starting your own action plan? Give me a call at 980-275-1627.

Talk to you soon,

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook
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Making The Most of Your Marriage and Money Relationship

What are you doing to increase your effectiveness in your marriage and with money? Both of these areas require continuing effort to increase your level of satisfaction with either one. It is my belief that if you improve your marriage you financial position will improve, and that if you improve your financial position you will improve your marriage. Marriage and Money issues are linked. They both require attention.

We to often see education as an expense and not an investment. Sure you often have to give up some time and pay some money to learn, but what you learn in return should pay you back in spades. When you study and apply healthy marriage and money habits over time you build a deep resource pool to draw on when you face the challenging times. The best time to prepare for challenges is when there are none.

In no particular order here are 5 of my favorite books that address either marriage or money topics.

1. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Why you should read it, to learn how your spouse receives love differently then you do and how to respond to them in a way so that they will feel loved.

2. Love Talk by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot. Why you should read it, practical guidance on creating time and space to talk with your spouse.

3. Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Why you should read it, to understand the cycle that often leaves you in conflict.

4. The Millionaire Mind by Thomas Stanley. Why you should read it, to disspell many of the myths you may have about what it is like to be rich.

5. Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach Why you should read it, this is the most practical book on everything from getting organized, to managing debt, to investing. Start here if you don't know where else to start as a couple.

When you take time to understand how your marriage and money can work together, then you not only impact your life, but the life's of many others. Let's face it, wether you love, hate or are indifferent about money it impacts your marriage. You might as well make the most of it, and make it meaningful.

How do you make the most of your marriage and money relationship? Please leave a comment.

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Can Money Bring You Happiness?

YES!!!!

This is the good news, according to Catherine Hart Weber. In her recent book Flourish, Discover Vibrant Living, she cites the work of researcher Thomas Golovich, who found that, when people spend money on experiences, it creates a lasting positive impact on them. In many cases, that joy increases over time because the memories live on as they are retold among the people who enjoyed the experience together. 

Here are five great experience ideas to get you started.

1. Go to your favorite sporting event.

2. Get a massage with someone.

3. Go to the theater and see a play, musical, or concert.

4. Take a trip to the beach with friends.

5. Go to that place you have always wanted to but have yet to make it happen.

What have been some of your best experiences and the memories that have lived on because of them? Please leave a comment.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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8 Tips for Picking a Great Financial Planner

Finding a great financial planner can be tough if you don't know what to look for. Here are eight important factors to consider when looking for, and choosing a financial planner.

1. Do your personalities fit? You’ll likely be meeting with them multiple times when getting started, and at least once a year after that, so it’s important to know if you mesh.

2. Inquire about how the planner is compensated. If you cannot understand what they are explaining or they are hesitant to discuss their fees, that should signal a red flag.

3. Each planner is going to have a unique process, and it is important to inquire about theirs on the front end so that you know what to expect.

4. Ask the planner about some of the common products or services that they recommend at the end of their planning process.

5. Find out who the planner is affiliated with, as this will give clues to the types of recommendations they are going to offer. Ultimately, there are three primary affiliations.

A) Working under the name of an insurance company
B) Working under the name of a mutual fund company
C) Independent, non-affiliated (these planners typically have the most flexibility in product and service selection) 

At the end of the day, each planner is going to have preferred products and services. This is not inherently good or bad; it is just something to keep in mind during your interactions. 

6. Inquire if the planner has any particular areas of expertise. Have them explain what makes them an expert in that area.

7. Ask about any credentials the planner has and what they mean. If you really want to get into the nitty gritty of their qualifications, ask them about what it took to obtain those credentials. Credentials like the CFP® are widely recognized as a standard in excellence, but there are many others,  such as ones created by the companies they work for, that are more promotional in nature than training-based.

8. Most importantly, have some ideas about what you want out of the financial planning process and be able to articulate them. 

If you want to know more about how financial planning can help you, please check out this link.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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Finding Healing-- A Crisis of Identity

Wow, what a week in Nashville for the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) conference! There were so many great speakers and singers, and most importantly, counselors, pastors and lay leaders. The energy was contagious and inspiring. It was a great time for learning, growing, sharing and worshipping. As promised in my post from 9/4, I will share with you as much as possible about what I learned.

For all of us at different points in life, we experience pain and tragedy, and yet how we respond to those experiences can have a significant impact on our mental and physical health. Throughout the conference, I got to hear from a wide range of therapists and pastors who approach helping people in many different styles.  Despite their differences, there was a resounding theme to the healing process.

To find healing, start with your identity, as it can anchor the rest of your healing work.  So, where should you do that?  For many of us, we anchor our identity in work, family, possessions, money, drugs... and the list could go on.  When we turn to Christ and understand that we are made in the Image of God (Gen 1:27), we form an immovable anchor - an anchor based on the Lord's promises to be our provider and sustainer.

However, when we are completely honest, it is hard to own our identity in God, especially when we feel uncertain about who God is. Or we may flat out refuse to align ourselves with God if we see him as distant, removed, harsh, condemning, or any other host of negative characteristics. Yet, when we gain confidence and trust that God is full of love and grace, then we can confidently anchor ourselves in Him. So, it is when we anchor ourselves in Christ that we are ready to begin the journey to restoration.

I look forward to sharing with you over the next several weeks many more lessons I learned from my time at the AACC conference. In the meantime, please share how your relationship with Christ has helped or challenged you.... 

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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