When we focus on the source of the argument, which is a violation of underlying emotions and beliefs, then we can understand why the subject of the argument continues to come up.
For example a wife is continuously frustrated that her husband comes home late from work (subject of argument) and she is ready to get to the bottom of it, but instead of getting mad at him this time, she follows the six steps of recognizing the source of the argument. In this example let's call the wife Pam and her husband Dave.
Step 1. Pam recognizes that she and Dave are about to get in argument if she confronts him about coming home late once again.
Step 2. Pam takes a deep breath.
Step 3. Pam asks Dave, "What is important to you about staying at work late"? Dave may respond with any number of different responses. But it may be something as simple as, "There is an upcoming promotion that I really want to get".
Step 4. Pam now knows what Dave is working towards, a promotion, and now is going to try and understand why the promotion is important to Dave (Pam should try not to infer her own meaning and really just focus on what Dave says). Pam asks Dave, "Honey why is this promotion important to you?" Again, Dave may give any number of responses. In this case Dave says, "I really want the promotion so that we can afford to go on a family vacation this year". So in this case the source of the argument is Dave's desire to take his family on vacation.
Step 5. Pam now realizes Dave is not trying to avoid the family, but rather he is trying to create an opportunity for the family to go on vacation together this year. Pam responds to Dave with validation saying "Honey it sounds like it is important to you, that we go on a family vacation together this year".
Step 6. Now that Pam has taken the time to understand what is important to Dave about staying at work (subject of argument), and she validated Dave for his desired outcome of vacation (source of argument), Dave will likely be more receptive to hearing Pam. Pam can now share with Dave what is important to her about having him home on time, and why that is important.
Let's be honest we all know that conversations that are charged with differing emotions and beliefs will not follow a perfect sequence of six steps and then a happy ending. However, what I hope that you get from these steps is a framework for how to move through conversation, and a desire to look for the source of the argument, so that you do not get stuck at the subject of the argument.
What do you fight about? Leave a comment.
Please feel free to give me a call to talk more, 980-275-1627.
Regards,
Ed Coambs
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