Part 1: Why do the same conflicts in marriage keep repeating?

How often do you feel like you are having the same argument today that you had yesterday, and the year before with your spouse? If your marriage is like many others you get to a place where you can anticipate the argument before it comes. Often as arguments start to repeat themselves frustration settles in and you become entrenched in proving your point, which then prevents you from listening to what you partner is really saying.

Arguments in mariage are comprised of two components. The first part is the subject and sounds something like this, you spend to much money, your never home on time, you are....fill in the blank. During this part of the argument there is an accusation that involves the  use of "you" to point out what your partner  has done or not done to offend you. In most marriages this is where the couple tries to resolve the argument by trying to get their partner to change the behavior. Yet the problem continues to come up. Why?

The source of the argument lays below the subject of the argument in the emotions and feelings of your partner. In order to start overcoming the subject of the argument it helps to understand the source of the argument. The source of the argument often involves either violated feelings or personal beliefs that have been challenged.

Steps to recognizing the source of the argument
1. Recognize that you are entering an argument
2. Take a deep breath
3. Ask your partner,  what is important to you about whatever the subject of the argument is.
4. Ask why is that important to you, and listen for the emotion or belief behind the response.
5. Validate the feeling or belief they have. This does not mean you agree but it demonstrates that you understand.
6. Then ask them if you can share how you feel about the situation.

This process may feel counter intuitive, and so in my next blog post I will explain how this process helps get to the source of the argument.

How do you effectively solve ongoing arguments in your marriage? Please leave a comment.

Feel free to give me a call at 980-275-1627.

Regards,
Ed Coambs

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