3 Reasons Why I Fear Financial Success

Let's face it - our culture is infatuated with success, and not just any ordinary success - wild and crazy financial success. For each person, this may mean something slightly different, but all we have to do is look at the number of television shows that center on large amounts of prize money to be reminded of our preoccupation with cash. I can certainly understand why our culture is obsessed with wealth; we have been taught repeatedly by media and personal observations that we do not have enough stuff. So, we go off to accumulate more money to get more stuff.

What do you and your spouse believe to be true about financial success? Could your beliefs be preventing you from achieving financial success? How do you define financial success? In the process of defining and reaching for financial success, do you ignore other key areas of your life?

While on the surface financial success (i.e., having lots of money) seems like it could be great, here are three reasons why I[RA1]  fear it.

1. I won't be able to manage it. With more money comes more responsibility and more ways to manage it. When you are just starting out, all you need is a simple checking account. But as you progress in life,  you often get different investment accounts set up. If you really start accumulating more money, there are trusts and different tax structures to consider, and for those who have large sums of cash, they start dealing with multiple businesses, properties and philanthropies. Progressing up the wealth ladder does not always make life easier; it can actually make things more complex, because there is more to manage. 

2. Financial success ruins families. The list of actors, singers, athletes, and lottery winners who have ended up with large amounts of money and then had their family fall apart is too long to detail here. But I will mention one that I remember all to well and that is MC Hammer. We have also heard countless stories of trust fund kids who have blown their families’ wealth. Perhaps you have even met a few rich people and have seen how they struggled to maintain a healthy emotional connection while spending their millions (or billions). 

3. It will create a gap in my spiritual life.  How often have we heard that money is the root of all evil? Well, if that was the case, we would all be in trouble! 1 Tim 6:10 actually says, "For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs." This is one of over 2,000 Biblical verses that address the management of money and resources. What I have come to understand from my faith is the raw pursuit of money will end in meaninglessness, frustration, despair and a separation from God. 

So, what are we to do when we fear the implications of living with financial success in our life? Start with understanding that God owns it all. One example of this comes from Ecclesiastes 5:19: "As for every man to whom God has given riches and wealth, and given him power to eat of it, to receive his heritage and rejoice in his labor--this is the gift of God." This is one of many verses that refer to God's ownership. 

The next step is being aware that financial success has not ruined all families. In reality, there are many who quietly live with their wealth and merely see it as a tool to facilitate living and being generous with their time and resources. The reason that we do not know about these families is that they don’t do anything particularly sensational to put themselves in the public eye. As a result, we miss the opportunity to acknowledge that families can live well with wealth, but it is usually because they have built it up over time and learned how to manage it intentionally. This leads me to my next fear. 

While it is true that there is more to manage as you accumulate wealth, there are also skills and relationships that you develop over time as that money comes in. That means the process of managing the money you have, while certainly still a responsibility, often brings in the necessary skills and relationships to do it well. 

The shift in my thinking about financial success centers on significance, which means first recognizing that I don't have to be a millionaire to know that I am richly blessed. More and more, I think less about getting stuff and instead look for opportunities to share my resources and to be a blessing to others.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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Paying Off Credit Cards Sucks

I was recently reminded of a dirty little secret: Crushing credit card debt is not just for the low-income or average-income family, it also hits families making great money, too.

I was working from Panera recently and happened to meet a man who was there to pick up the day-old bagels for delivery to local homeless shelters. When we got to talking, he shared with me that he works for a credit counseling agency in the area. Since I am always trying to make better sense of the actual financial lives people live, I asked him who his clients where. Boy was I surprised when he said members of that country club up the road. As we talked a bit more, he revealed that all it takes is one job loss for people to get into deep trouble with their debt. 

The reason this conversation surprised me was that I assumed that, if you can afford to be a member of an exclusive environment like a  country club, then you probably have plenty of money in the bank to cover your expenses for years to come. But this is not always the case; for all of us, debt represents a promise to pay for something we buy today with money we will earn in the future. This thinking works great until our ability to earn money changes for a wide variety of reasons.

So, why does paying off credit cards suck? Because it means that we have to pay for our past when we would rather just move on. The reality, though, is that we must address what has happened before we move into the future with our finances. Otherwise, our debt will continue to serve as an anchor to the future growth of our finances.

To attack debt, you must come at it from two angles: logical and emotional. 

Logical:

1. List all of your debts together on one page (include balance, interest rate, minimum payment, credit card company name, and phone number).

2. Organize what you owe from smallest to highest amount.

3. Call each of the credit card companies to negotiate a lower interest rate.

4. Work out a debt snowball plan. Dave Ramsey lays this out in an easy-to-understand way.

Emotional:

1. Reflect on what was going on in your life that caused you to spend so much on credit cards. It may have been a stressful season, or perhaps you were counting on a pay raise that never came.

2. Were you buying out of guilt, fear, anxiety, etc.? It’s important to acknowledge the root of your spending to learn how to get your situation under control.

3. Think about where you get your true sense of meaning in life. Is it from consumption of goods and services, or is there something else that can help give you meaning that will not cause you to spend beyond your income?

At the end of the day, being in credit card debt does not make you a bad person. Too often, I see people beat themselves up for the situation in which they’ve ended up. Often, however, the reasons why people have ended up in credit card debt are vast and complex; no two cases are alike. It is more important to take a stand and realize there is hope in what may feel like a hopeless situation. The first step is acknowledging that you need help.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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Eating Out and Loving It.

Okay, okay - I know every financial planner tells you that you should not eat out too much, that you should be saving that money for your future. So, why is it so hard to stop going out to eat? What is it about the experience that makes us choose it over putting aside what we end up spending on a meal? I have identified five very beneficial reasons that families continue to go out to eat and love it.

1. It’s a social experience that gives you the opportunity to relax and enjoy the company of your family. Sometimes, you get the added pleasure of bumping into friends at your favorite restaurant, which adds to the whole ambiance.

2. Going out to eat relieves four points of stress: planning a meal, picking up the ingredients, preparing the food and cleaning up after cooking. Let's face it, when you dine out, all you have to do is pick something off the menu, and someone handles the rest.

3. That leads me to my third point: It also allows us to feel cared for. There is nothing better than going to your favorite restaurant and having someone else take care of you. Many of us spend our days focused on the needs of others – whether at work or at home – and, at the end of the day, it is just so pleasurable to have someone do something for you.

4. Dining out adds variety and diversity to our eating routines. Pleasing everyone in the family is difficult, and at least when you go to a restaurant, there is a variety of options. Each family member can pick what they like and can skip “mom’s meatloaf” for one evening.

5. Most families are consumed with more activity than time to accomplish it all. Eating out leaves families with more time to spend at work or attend to kids, or travel to and from activities.

So, when it comes to dining out, how can you eat your cake and have it, too? Take these three baby steps. 

1. Try to determine how much you need to retire. Here is a link to a simple calculator to get you started.

2. Set a goal for how much money you can save for the future every month and have it automatically drafted out of your bank account into an IRA account.

3. If you are not able to give up going out to eat, consider eating at more affordable places, or sign up for services like Living Social or Groupon that offer coupons for local restaurants. Keep an eye out for dining specials on social media like Yelp and Foursquare, too. After all, every bit helps! 

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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Embracing The Relationship Learning Curve

We have all seen people who look like naturals at whatever they are doing. Like many of you, I have spent the last week watching the Olympics, and I have been so impressed by the abilities of the athletes from around the globe. It seems like they have always been able to skate with grace or glide with speed, but once I hear their full back stories, I am reminded of all the hard work and ongoing training athletes go through to get to that place of excellence in their sport. 

Hearing stories about these Olympians reminds me of the learning curve that we all must embrace when we enter into and stay in marriage. Put simply, the learning curve requires tremendous effort to get started into a new activity. Once we begin, it will take time to develop and grow to a place where we will feel confident in our ability to maintain what we have learned. The relationship expert Harville Hendrix said, "The learning curve in relationships must be embraced." I interpret that to mean that we are not naturals at every dynamic of married life, particularly when we first start down that road. So, we must exert significant effort to grow in order to appear “natural” in our relationships.   Each person will bring different areas of strengths and weaknesses to the table. Recognizing your strengths and weaknesses, and then doing something about them, will help develop a committed marriage bond. Over time, with focused hard work, we can all enjoy the fruits of embracing the learning curve. It is also important to remember that there will be seasons in your marriage when a new learning curve shows up. Here are 5 places you can expect that to happen.

- The start of your marriage

- The birth of a child

- The change of a job

- The death of a loved love

- The kids leaving home for college

Fortunately for you, there are also some simple steps you can take when starting on the learning curve.

1. Recognize that you are entering the learning curve.

2. Move into the learning curve by identifying what you need to learn.

3. Expect setbacks and challenges, even after you reached mastery.

4. Ask for help and get guidance. Those who get to mastery never do it alone. 

5. Practice over and over, and look for immediate feedback when possible.

So, maybe your marriage is not where you want it to be, what would be different if you embraced the learning curve?

I recently listened to a great interview of Karen Cheng, who learned to dance in 100 days, could your marriage be completely different in 100 days? Check out Karen's interview and dance video for inspiration.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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What's needed at work is not what is always needed at home

You are an amazing lawyer, doctor, accountant, business person, radio personality, you name it. Whatever your occupation, let's  assume that you see yourself as great at what you do; you’ve achieved fantastic results, been rewarded with bonuses and promotions, and every year, you have more responsibilities and challenges ahead of you. Maybe you’ve thought along the way, “If I just get to this next level, my life will be easier,” but so far, you have not seen that to be the case. 

Our work, whether we like it or not, hugely influences the way we see ourselves, as well as many other aspects of our life, including family. Yet I have noticed time and time again instances where the qualities that make us successful at work actually impede our ability to flourish at home. For example I have been training to become a marriage counselor and just last night my wife and I talked about how I have become a better listner which is required for the job, but at the same time I often get frustrated in personal relationships because it feels like no one asks about me. My loving wife made the observation that perhaps it is because I am too busy asking questions and trying to understand everyone else, that I don’t give others the chance to know me.

So, I ask you to examine and define for yourself what it means to achieve results in your career and with your family. To get the ball rolling, here are three simple but profound questions to ask yourself. After answering the following about yourself, ask your spouse to do the same thing for you, then challenge them to answer these questions for themselves as well.

1.     Which skills and attributes make me great at my job?

2.    Which of my skills and attributes will help my family flourish? 

3.    With answers to the two previous questions in mind, which skills and attributes do I need to leave at the office?

The lesson is that there can be overlap in the skills and attributes that are needed for work and home life, but not all will transfer. When we see this clearly, then both our work and home life have a stronger chance of flourishing.

A fun way to clarify the picture of what is good for work and home is to use a  Venn diagram. Using a Venn diagram to organize what is best for work and home will clarify where there are differences and where there is overlap in the skills and attributes you bring to your family. Title one circle work, the other home. Fill in the circles with the skills and attributes that support work and home life. Then look for the overlaps and fill them in the middle overlapping part of the circles.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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An invitation to be Myself

I would like to introduce to you a poem by Edgar Guest that has brought so clearly to the forefront for me what is important about being myself. Ultimately, I believe that in order to have a marriage that matters, it is most important to be myself. What does it mean to you, to be Yourself?

MYSELF

I have to live with myself, and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able, as days go by
Always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don't want to stand, with the setting sun,
And hate myself for the things I have done.

I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself, as I come and go,
Into thinking that nobody else will know
The kind of a man I really am;
I don't want to dress up myself in sham.

I want to go out with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect;
But here in the struggle for fame and pelf
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
That I'm bluster and bluff and empty show.

I can never hide myself from me;
I can see what others may never see;
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself, and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

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Creating Money Harmony, Is it Possible?

Money fights in marriage are so common that we are often left to wonder if couples can ever experience “money harmony.” I recently had the chance to ponder that issue when I interviewed Olivia Mellan, who is a trained psychotherapist and has dedicated her career to helping couples develop money harmony in their relationship.(and to helping individuals move toward money harmony as well.) Not only has Olivia worked with couples to overcome their biggest money fights, but she has also coached and spoken to countless personal finance professionals to help them better engage their clients in making great financial decisions. (Since 1996, she has written a monthly column in Investment Advisor magazine–www.ThinkAdvisor.com)

When I asked Olivia why couples fight about money in marriage, she promptly responded that it all boils down to different priorities. Over the years, Olivia has identified a handful of ways that couples become polarized over money, including:

- Saver vs. Spender – The saver seeks to put away as much money as possible, while the spender sees a bright shiny object and buys it immediately.

- Worrier vs. Avoider – The worrier always has money on their mind and they’re afraid of what is to come, while the avoider would rather not think about money at all.

- Money Monk vs. Money Amasser – The money monk sees no value in accumulating money, while the money amasser can’t imagine not accumulating as much money as possible.

- Planner vs. Dreamer – The planner wants practical and realistic steps to accomplishing goals, while the dreamer knows what they want but has no idea how to get there.

- Risk Taker vs. Risk Avoider – The risk taker is not afraid of losing some money in the pursuit of getting a big return, while the risk avoider doesn’t want to lose a dollar in the process of saving.

- Money Merger vs. Money Separatist – The money merger sees the family finances as all going into one bucket, while the money Separatist wants a mine, theirs, and ours bank account (some prefer completely separate money – others want some separate money).

Olivia went on to share that, if couples do not start out with opposing views on money, then in time, they will start to polarize over the use and role of money in their relationships. In couples with empathy and positive communication skills, these differences can complement and balance each other well….allows the couple to create a balanced view and approach to managing household resources. The challenge comes when each person in the relationship does not identify the role they are playing in that partnership, and they are unable to see the other person’s perspective.

To help couples move through their repeating money fights, Olivia offered two great pieces of advice.

1. Gain Insight – Have a conversation/dialogue with money as if it were a person. Tell it how you feel about it and what role it plays in your life. Have it respond to what you write – a dialogue, back and forth. Then, take time to share those thoughts with your spouse.Then, have these internal voices: mom, dad, other strong influences and God/Higher Power/your voice of inner wisdom comment on the dialogue with money.

2. Behavioral - Practice the non-habitual by walking in the other person’s shoes. Some simple examples would be if you buy the groceries let your spouse do that, if you pay the bills let your spouse do that, if you plan the investments let your spouse do that. If you’re the saver, spend money on some immediate pleasure purchase for you or your partner. If you’re the spender, put money in savings, or add to your investments.

3. Practice communicating with empathy and respect in weekly, regular money talks. Agree on a time frame for short, medium and long term goals, and then generate individual lists on your own, several times to see which goals come up again and again. Then merge some of the items on your list, so you feel more aligned in your money and life goals.

It’s going to take work to move toward money harmony in your marriage, but with some time and continuous effort, you can make it a reality. To help you on your journey, check out some of Olivia’s published works.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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