Why is it that most married couples seem to fight
about the same thing over and over again, year after year: money Because it’s
more thanjust a means of buying the things we need in life. Money represents,
and is often used to express, our feelings. Those feelings can develop into
different fears and pressures within our relationships, which can then cause us
to do things with money that are actually detrimental to the partnership. When couples
are in the midst of a heated debate about money, they often don’t think about looking beyond the superficial argument at hand to recognize the actual
feelings, fears and pressures that exist.
To help illustrate what I’m talking about, let’s
look at the case of a typical American family. Bob and Sally have been married for
nine years. They have two children, Max and Suzy. Since getting married, they
have both enjoyed careers that have gradually placed them into roles that
require more and more responsibility. However, with the ever-increasing demands
of work and home life, both Bob and Sally have recently felt like the initial
chemistry they once shared has worn off, and they are starting to fight about
money more frequently.
Bob and Sally's typical argument goes something
like this.
Bob: Here we go again. You always have a problem
when I spend money hanging out with the guys.
Sally: I am not mad. I just wish you’d prefer to spend
your free time at home with our family, that’s all.
Bob: Well, if you would let me hang out with my
buddies from time to time, then I would be more excited about coming home. I
couldn't tell you the last time I had a guys’ night.
Sally: Why do you say that? I just think we need to
be saving money right now. You know as well as I do how tight thing are around here.
Bob: When will things ever not be tight? You know
I am working my butt off with no promotion in sight. I have to get away from
the office and our home every now and then, or I will go crazy.
You get the idea. Now, Bob and Sally think that if
they could just learn how to talk to each other in a respectful, diplomatic
manner, then they wouldn't have these arguments. But even if they did increase
their ability to openly share their feelings without conflict, they still need
to go beyond what is literally being said and understand the values and
metaphors that are being communicated[RA1] . That
is, why are Bob and Sally really
fighting?
First, let’s take a look at their financial
picture.
1. Their mortgage costs 20% of their income (very
reasonable level).
2. They have four months of expenses saved (healthy
level).
3. They both regularly contribute to their
respective companies’ retirement funds.
Based on that, it seems like things are not actually
all that bad for Bob and Sally from a financial persective. So, the problem
isn’t about “things being tight,” as they have plenty of resources to carry
them through a tough season. It’s also not the surface-level issue of Bob
wanting to spend time with his friends. What, then, is really happening?
In short, Bob and Sally's feelings, fears and
pressures about their relationship have not been openly addressed, simply because
they have been “too busy” focusing on work and raising their kids.
The truth is that Bob is overwhelmed in his IT
role. His company continues to hire younger employees who are outperforming
him. This has caused Bob to feel uncertain about his future at the company.
Because of this uncertainty, Bob's self-confidence and sense of pride are being
challenged. Sally, meanwhile, is feeling pressure because she grew up in a
family where there was never enough money, and she subconsciously believes that that, the more money in
the bank, the better.
Sound familiar?
In my next blog post, I will share an action plan
for Bob and Sally that’s intended
to help them work through their money fight.
Want advice on starting your own action plan? Give
me a call at 980-275-1627.
Regards,
Ed Coambs
Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook
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