Understanding Family History's Role in Our Financial Lives

"Let's go to the zoo today," Sally told her husband Dan. "The weather should be fine, and the kids will have a great time seeing the many different animals." 

Sally and Dan get the kids loaded into the car and head off for the zoo. An hour later they are at the entrance to the zoo with their three excited kids in tow. They start off with high hopes and aspirations, but quickly become embroiled in an emotional nightmare. At the ticket window Sally asks Dan if they can spring for the all-access pass, which includes entry to the zoo plus provides access to the many different activities that are located inside that would normally be additional charges. With a slight look of disgust, Dan looks back at Sally and says, "Oh, fine."

Sally and Dan enter the zoo with their kids continuing their good time where they enjoy looking at the monkeys, giraffe, and lions along the way. After a few fun hours the kids are getting hungry and Sally and Dan are ready to sit down. The kids all clamor to get the souvenir cups with the funny animal heads, while Dan insists on just getting the kids the regular cups for drinks. As they all sit down for food the three kids look across to see the gift shop and start in with, "Dad, we want ..." You know the rest. After lunch and with some persistence, Sally bends in with the kids and says, "Oh come on, Dan. Let's let the kids get a special treat." To which Dan quips back, "This whole day has been a special treat!"

By this time you are starting to get a picture of Dan and Sally's life. While this is a story about their trip to the zoo, the reality is that their pattern of interaction persists over many of life's situations. Sally wants to give the kids as many rich experiences as possible, while Dan seems like he does not want to indulge the kids in all of their desires. Reading this story will evoke certain emotions:

What do you think of Sally? Why?

What do you think of Dan? Why?

What do you think of their kids? Why?

As you reflect on your answers to these questions, you will start to become aware of your own rules about the way money is used in your life. Day in and day out we live with our spouses and we both have many unwritten rules about the way that we should spend, manage, and organize around money. This is called our family financial system, which is less about the actual amount of money we have access too, and more about who says and does what with the money. At a deeper level this is a reflection of the way family dynamics play out and the way power is dispersed throughout a family.

Frequently, not spouses/parents' financial values are not in alignment. Often there is actual disagreement between the partners. The ways in which couples go about addressing these differences can vary, but the reality is that there is a big opportunity for couples to begin building financial intimacy in their lives. Financial intimacy is being known at a deeper level about why we hold the values that we do. I work with many couples who can pretty easily predict their spouse's spending patterns, which they take issue with. But at a deeper level it's not the spending patterns that they're taking issue with, but rather the values that those spending patterns communicate between spouses, kids, and their community.

In Dan's family that he grew up in he often heard his dad say, "Modesty is a necessity." Which Dan internalized to mean that splurging beyond the basics of an experience is unacceptable. So Dan felt the trip to the zoo was betraying one of his family rules about splurging by getting the all-access pass, fancy souvenir cups and a gift from the gift shop. It was all too much.

On the other hand, Sally grew up the youngest of two girls. Even though her father earned a very modest living, he lavished his girls with gifts -- even when he didn’t have the money to pay for the presents.  and her father even though he made a very modest living, lavished his girls with gifts. Even when her father did not have the money to pay for those types of items.

So now as Dan and Sally go through their married life, they continue to replay out the messages about money and how it is to be used within their families. The reality of Dan and Sally’s finances is that they are in a financial position where they can afford to spend the "extra" money at the zoo and it will not negatively impact their family finances. When they slow down long enough to recognize the pattern they're in and give credence to their own respective experience of how their fathers spent money, they will have a much better sense for the source of their comfort and can find new ways of relating to each other that make sense for their family. But without taking the time to understand the connection between the past and present, they are doomed in the future to keep repeating the same problems over and over again.