Eating Out and Loving It.

Okay, okay - I know every financial planner tells you that you should not eat out too much, that you should be saving that money for your future. So, why is it so hard to stop going out to eat? What is it about the experience that makes us choose it over putting aside what we end up spending on a meal? I have identified five very beneficial reasons that families continue to go out to eat and love it.

1. It’s a social experience that gives you the opportunity to relax and enjoy the company of your family. Sometimes, you get the added pleasure of bumping into friends at your favorite restaurant, which adds to the whole ambiance.

2. Going out to eat relieves four points of stress: planning a meal, picking up the ingredients, preparing the food and cleaning up after cooking. Let's face it, when you dine out, all you have to do is pick something off the menu, and someone handles the rest.

3. That leads me to my third point: It also allows us to feel cared for. There is nothing better than going to your favorite restaurant and having someone else take care of you. Many of us spend our days focused on the needs of others – whether at work or at home – and, at the end of the day, it is just so pleasurable to have someone do something for you.

4. Dining out adds variety and diversity to our eating routines. Pleasing everyone in the family is difficult, and at least when you go to a restaurant, there is a variety of options. Each family member can pick what they like and can skip “mom’s meatloaf” for one evening.

5. Most families are consumed with more activity than time to accomplish it all. Eating out leaves families with more time to spend at work or attend to kids, or travel to and from activities.

So, when it comes to dining out, how can you eat your cake and have it, too? Take these three baby steps. 

1. Try to determine how much you need to retire. Here is a link to a simple calculator to get you started.

2. Set a goal for how much money you can save for the future every month and have it automatically drafted out of your bank account into an IRA account.

3. If you are not able to give up going out to eat, consider eating at more affordable places, or sign up for services like Living Social or Groupon that offer coupons for local restaurants. Keep an eye out for dining specials on social media like Yelp and Foursquare, too. After all, every bit helps! 

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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Embracing The Relationship Learning Curve

We have all seen people who look like naturals at whatever they are doing. Like many of you, I have spent the last week watching the Olympics, and I have been so impressed by the abilities of the athletes from around the globe. It seems like they have always been able to skate with grace or glide with speed, but once I hear their full back stories, I am reminded of all the hard work and ongoing training athletes go through to get to that place of excellence in their sport. 

Hearing stories about these Olympians reminds me of the learning curve that we all must embrace when we enter into and stay in marriage. Put simply, the learning curve requires tremendous effort to get started into a new activity. Once we begin, it will take time to develop and grow to a place where we will feel confident in our ability to maintain what we have learned. The relationship expert Harville Hendrix said, "The learning curve in relationships must be embraced." I interpret that to mean that we are not naturals at every dynamic of married life, particularly when we first start down that road. So, we must exert significant effort to grow in order to appear “natural” in our relationships.   Each person will bring different areas of strengths and weaknesses to the table. Recognizing your strengths and weaknesses, and then doing something about them, will help develop a committed marriage bond. Over time, with focused hard work, we can all enjoy the fruits of embracing the learning curve. It is also important to remember that there will be seasons in your marriage when a new learning curve shows up. Here are 5 places you can expect that to happen.

- The start of your marriage

- The birth of a child

- The change of a job

- The death of a loved love

- The kids leaving home for college

Fortunately for you, there are also some simple steps you can take when starting on the learning curve.

1. Recognize that you are entering the learning curve.

2. Move into the learning curve by identifying what you need to learn.

3. Expect setbacks and challenges, even after you reached mastery.

4. Ask for help and get guidance. Those who get to mastery never do it alone. 

5. Practice over and over, and look for immediate feedback when possible.

So, maybe your marriage is not where you want it to be, what would be different if you embraced the learning curve?

I recently listened to a great interview of Karen Cheng, who learned to dance in 100 days, could your marriage be completely different in 100 days? Check out Karen's interview and dance video for inspiration.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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What's needed at work is not what is always needed at home

You are an amazing lawyer, doctor, accountant, business person, radio personality, you name it. Whatever your occupation, let's  assume that you see yourself as great at what you do; you’ve achieved fantastic results, been rewarded with bonuses and promotions, and every year, you have more responsibilities and challenges ahead of you. Maybe you’ve thought along the way, “If I just get to this next level, my life will be easier,” but so far, you have not seen that to be the case. 

Our work, whether we like it or not, hugely influences the way we see ourselves, as well as many other aspects of our life, including family. Yet I have noticed time and time again instances where the qualities that make us successful at work actually impede our ability to flourish at home. For example I have been training to become a marriage counselor and just last night my wife and I talked about how I have become a better listner which is required for the job, but at the same time I often get frustrated in personal relationships because it feels like no one asks about me. My loving wife made the observation that perhaps it is because I am too busy asking questions and trying to understand everyone else, that I don’t give others the chance to know me.

So, I ask you to examine and define for yourself what it means to achieve results in your career and with your family. To get the ball rolling, here are three simple but profound questions to ask yourself. After answering the following about yourself, ask your spouse to do the same thing for you, then challenge them to answer these questions for themselves as well.

1.     Which skills and attributes make me great at my job?

2.    Which of my skills and attributes will help my family flourish? 

3.    With answers to the two previous questions in mind, which skills and attributes do I need to leave at the office?

The lesson is that there can be overlap in the skills and attributes that are needed for work and home life, but not all will transfer. When we see this clearly, then both our work and home life have a stronger chance of flourishing.

A fun way to clarify the picture of what is good for work and home is to use a  Venn diagram. Using a Venn diagram to organize what is best for work and home will clarify where there are differences and where there is overlap in the skills and attributes you bring to your family. Title one circle work, the other home. Fill in the circles with the skills and attributes that support work and home life. Then look for the overlaps and fill them in the middle overlapping part of the circles.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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An invitation to be Myself

I would like to introduce to you a poem by Edgar Guest that has brought so clearly to the forefront for me what is important about being myself. Ultimately, I believe that in order to have a marriage that matters, it is most important to be myself. What does it mean to you, to be Yourself?

MYSELF

I have to live with myself, and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able, as days go by
Always to look myself straight in the eye;
I don't want to stand, with the setting sun,
And hate myself for the things I have done.

I don't want to keep on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself, as I come and go,
Into thinking that nobody else will know
The kind of a man I really am;
I don't want to dress up myself in sham.

I want to go out with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect;
But here in the struggle for fame and pelf
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
That I'm bluster and bluff and empty show.

I can never hide myself from me;
I can see what others may never see;
I know what others may never know,
I never can fool myself, and so,
Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

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Creating Money Harmony, Is it Possible?

Money fights in marriage are so common that we are often left to wonder if couples can ever experience “money harmony.” I recently had the chance to ponder that issue when I interviewed Olivia Mellan, who is a trained psychotherapist and has dedicated her career to helping couples develop money harmony in their relationship.(and to helping individuals move toward money harmony as well.) Not only has Olivia worked with couples to overcome their biggest money fights, but she has also coached and spoken to countless personal finance professionals to help them better engage their clients in making great financial decisions. (Since 1996, she has written a monthly column in Investment Advisor magazine–www.ThinkAdvisor.com)

When I asked Olivia why couples fight about money in marriage, she promptly responded that it all boils down to different priorities. Over the years, Olivia has identified a handful of ways that couples become polarized over money, including:

- Saver vs. Spender – The saver seeks to put away as much money as possible, while the spender sees a bright shiny object and buys it immediately.

- Worrier vs. Avoider – The worrier always has money on their mind and they’re afraid of what is to come, while the avoider would rather not think about money at all.

- Money Monk vs. Money Amasser – The money monk sees no value in accumulating money, while the money amasser can’t imagine not accumulating as much money as possible.

- Planner vs. Dreamer – The planner wants practical and realistic steps to accomplishing goals, while the dreamer knows what they want but has no idea how to get there.

- Risk Taker vs. Risk Avoider – The risk taker is not afraid of losing some money in the pursuit of getting a big return, while the risk avoider doesn’t want to lose a dollar in the process of saving.

- Money Merger vs. Money Separatist – The money merger sees the family finances as all going into one bucket, while the money Separatist wants a mine, theirs, and ours bank account (some prefer completely separate money – others want some separate money).

Olivia went on to share that, if couples do not start out with opposing views on money, then in time, they will start to polarize over the use and role of money in their relationships. In couples with empathy and positive communication skills, these differences can complement and balance each other well….allows the couple to create a balanced view and approach to managing household resources. The challenge comes when each person in the relationship does not identify the role they are playing in that partnership, and they are unable to see the other person’s perspective.

To help couples move through their repeating money fights, Olivia offered two great pieces of advice.

1. Gain Insight – Have a conversation/dialogue with money as if it were a person. Tell it how you feel about it and what role it plays in your life. Have it respond to what you write – a dialogue, back and forth. Then, take time to share those thoughts with your spouse.Then, have these internal voices: mom, dad, other strong influences and God/Higher Power/your voice of inner wisdom comment on the dialogue with money.

2. Behavioral - Practice the non-habitual by walking in the other person’s shoes. Some simple examples would be if you buy the groceries let your spouse do that, if you pay the bills let your spouse do that, if you plan the investments let your spouse do that. If you’re the saver, spend money on some immediate pleasure purchase for you or your partner. If you’re the spender, put money in savings, or add to your investments.

3. Practice communicating with empathy and respect in weekly, regular money talks. Agree on a time frame for short, medium and long term goals, and then generate individual lists on your own, several times to see which goals come up again and again. Then merge some of the items on your list, so you feel more aligned in your money and life goals.

It’s going to take work to move toward money harmony in your marriage, but with some time and continuous effort, you can make it a reality. To help you on your journey, check out some of Olivia’s published works.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

For all your communication needs, she is all you need.

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