During Thanksgiving we reflect on what we are thankful for and we tell other people how much they mean to us. In order to add meaning to this Thanksgiving season be attentive to receiving thankfulness as it will give the giver of thanks a sense of elation that they have been acknowledged for their thankfulness.
Many people are great at helping others, but are to slow to receive help from others. This denies the recipcal relationship of thanksgiving. It takes two people. The giver and the receiver. Be sure this Thanksgiving, to also be a good receiver.
Being a good receiver can look like...
- Acknowledging someone else's thankfulness
- Reflecting back why that person is thankful for you
- Writing a short note back about what it meant to you to be appreciated
How else can you be a good receiver? Please leave a comment and let me know.
Feel free to give me a call to talk more, 980-275-1627.
Regards,
Ed Coambs
Grow your marriage by getting all the latest blog posts.
Recently while I was at the YMCA, and I was introduced
to a woman by a friend of mine. During the introduction I was told that she has
a child that is autistic. In a moment without thought I said "oh
nice". To which the woman promptly said “no it isn’t”.I felt terrible. What would normally be
an innocent response, left egg on my face.This interaction happened because of an automatic response I
have when I am introduced to someone that has a child. Much like an auto
responder on email, my brain knows that when someone is being introduced to me,
and they have a child it is typically polite to say something to the effect
of"Oh nice". However in
this case my auto response created an awkward moment.
This same thing happens all the time in our
marriage. Our brain works on rules. The rules lead to automatic responses which
make everyday situations easier to navigate. In many situations this works
great, but there are times when our automatic responses fail us in our
marriage, especially in the area of household finances.
When your spouse says we need to…Your automatic response is…
- Save more-
- Buy the kids clothes-
- Take a vacation-
- Etc.-
Each of these statements are vague enough that they
could mean any number of different things. So the goal becomes not just to automatically
respond, but to ask for more clarification. Otherwise your automatic response
may lead to hurt feelings. What automatic responses get you in trouble? Please leave a comment.
Please feel free to give me a call to talk more, 980-275-1627.
Regards,
Ed Coambs
Grow your marriage by getting all the latest blog posts.
Fall is a beautiful season, with the vibrant colors of the leaves creating an amazing tapestry. But soon these bright and beautiful leaves will turn brown and fall away.
What do you need to let fall away during this season of fall? I am reminded as I watch the leaves fall off the trees this time of year, that we all need to let go of this years past hurts, wounds, and bad habits. When we allow the junk of the prior year to fall away, then we can be ready for a spring full of new life. But if we continue to hold onto those things that no longer have beauty and value in our life, then there will be no room for spring to emerge in our life.
As this relates to your marriage, what do you want to let go of?
What is stopping you from letting go?
What will you gain when you let go?
How will you feel?
How will your spouse experience you in a new way?
Allow this fall to be a season where you let the dead leaves of your life fall away.
Please feel free to give me a call to talk more, 980-275-1627.
Regards,
Ed Coambs
Grow your marriage by getting all the latest blog posts.
I was recently venting to a friend about how busy I
‘ve been lately and what a struggle it has been to connect with my wife on a
daily basis.
We’ve all been there with our significant others;
that moment when our impatience prevails, and we think (or even say),“I don't
have time to listen right now, honey. Just tell me what I need to know before I
have to head to my next meeting, kids’ event, or whatever else requires my immediate
attention.” Over time, the frantic pace of life can cause a distant feeling in
our marriages. If that distance is left unattended for too long, it can most
definitely lead to conflict.
So, how do we prevent conflict when we sense it on
the horizon? For me, it boils down to making time to converse with my wife
without an agenda. Too often when we engage with our spouses, is the dialogue
ends up being about necessary details that keep life moving forward. Our son’s
baseball game. The dog’s veterinary appointment. The car needing to go to the
mechanic (definitely not dating fodder, so why should it dominate the
discussion now?). Because of this, we miss the opportunity to inquire about how
the other person is doing and feeling, which is vital to maintaining any
meaningful relationship
Tips for Talking
- Share with your spouse that you want to hear how they are doing, not what they are doing.
- Find a quiet room in the house (no TV, no tablet,
no children) and ask your spouse what he/she dreams about.
- Go for a walk with no direction or distance in
mind. Allow the conversation to dictate your path.
- For something more romantic, take a bath
together. Don’t be afraid of intimacy.
When we stop and remember that we married our spouses
to be in a lifelong relationship with them and not just to get things done, we
can take the time to move from the necessary exchange of information to the
heart of connecting conversation: sharing feelings, hopes, aspirations and
dreams.
Want advice on starting your own action plan? Give
me a call at 980-275-1627. Talk to you soon, Ed Coambs
Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook
For all your communication needs, she is all you need.
Grow your marriage by getting all the latest blog posts.
Are you are tired of having the same argument over and over again? Then it is time to move beyond the subject of the argument and get to the source of the argument. In my previous post I gave six steps to recognizing the source of the argument, which concluded with validation of your partners feelings and beliefs, and then asking if you can share how you feel about the situation.
When we focus on the source of the argument, which is a violation of underlying emotions and beliefs, then we can understand why the subject of the argument continues to come up.
For example a wife is continuously frustrated that her husband comes home late from work (subject of argument) and she is ready to get to the bottom of it, but instead of getting mad at him this time, she follows the six steps of recognizing the source of the argument. In this example let's call the wife Pam and her husband Dave.
Step 1. Pam recognizes that she and Dave are about to get in argument if she confronts him about coming home late once again.
Step 2. Pam takes a deep breath.
Step 3. Pam asks Dave, "What is important to you about staying at work late"? Dave may respond with any number of different responses. But it may be something as simple as, "There is an upcoming promotion that I really want to get".
Step 4. Pam now knows what Dave is working towards, a promotion, and now is going to try and understand why the promotion is important to Dave (Pam should try not to infer her own meaning and really just focus on what Dave says). Pam asks Dave, "Honey why is this promotion important to you?" Again, Dave may give any number of responses. In this case Dave says, "I really want the promotion so that we can afford to go on a family vacation this year". So in this case the source of the argument is Dave's desire to take his family on vacation.
Step 5. Pam now realizes Dave is not trying to avoid the family, but rather he is trying to create an opportunity for the family to go on vacation together this year. Pam responds to Dave with validation saying "Honey it sounds like it is important to you, that we go on a family vacation together this year".
Step 6. Now that Pam has taken the time to understand what is important to Dave about staying at work (subject of argument), and she validated Dave for his desired outcome of vacation (source of argument), Dave will likely be more receptive to hearing Pam. Pam can now share with Dave what is important to her about having him home on time, and why that is important.
Let's be honest we all know that conversations that are charged with differing emotions and beliefs will not follow a perfect sequence of six steps and then a happy ending. However, what I hope that you get from these steps is a framework for how to move through conversation, and a desire to look for the source of the argument, so that you do not get stuck at the subject of the argument.
What do you fight about? Leave a comment.
Please feel free to give me a call to talk more, 980-275-1627.
How often do you feel like you are having the same argument today that you had yesterday, and the year before with your spouse? If your marriage is like many others you get to a place where you can anticipate the argument before it comes. Often as arguments start to repeat themselves frustration settles in and you become entrenched in proving your point, which then prevents you from listening to what you partner is really saying.
Arguments in mariage are comprised of two components. The first part is the subject and sounds something like this, you spend to much money, your never home on time, you are....fill in the blank. During this part of the argument there is an accusation that involves the use of "you" to point out what your partner has done or not done to offend you. In most marriages this is where the couple tries to resolve the argument by trying to get their partner to change the behavior. Yet the problem continues to come up. Why?
The source of the argument lays below the subject of the argument in the emotions and feelings of your partner. In order to start overcoming the subject of the argument it helps to understand the source of the argument. The source of the argument often involves either violated feelings or personal beliefs that have been challenged.
Steps to recognizing the source of the argument
1. Recognize that you are entering an argument
2. Take a deep breath
3. Ask your partner, what is important to you about whatever the subject of the argument is.
4. Ask why is that important to you, and listen for the emotion or belief behind the response.
5. Validate the feeling or belief they have. This does not mean you agree but it demonstrates that you understand.
6. Then ask them if you can share how you feel about the situation.
This process may feel counter intuitive, and so in my next blog post I will explain how this process helps get to the source of the argument.
How do you effectively solve ongoing arguments in your marriage? Please leave a comment.
We’ve all heard the promises at some point in our
lives. “If you follow these eight steps, six practices, and three principles,
then you, too, can become rich!” While such claims seem reasonable coming
from someone with strong financial knowledge, they’re far from perfect. Now, we can all agree that there is
nothing inherently wrong with wanting to create financial security for our
families, and many of us have taken risks in an attempt to do just that. What
we don’t always consider, however, are the repercussions of those risks on our
emotions and our relationships.
I challenge you to step back from the pursuit of
financial wealth and consider an alternative meaning to the word “rich.” Could
it include having vibrant relationships with your family, growing closer to
God, contributing in significant ways to your community, or a number of other
things? When we too narrowly define the definition of financial security, we
often end up feeling overwhelmed and depressed because we have not reached some
pre-determined number that doesn’t, in fact, accurately represent our true
wealth.
The bottom line is this: Your wealth is measured by
more than just your net worth, and when you recognize that you have value
beyond what is in your bank account or what you make every month, you can start
to recognize that you are a person of great worth. This is the promise that I
am learning to accept and embrace. Like anything worth having, it’s a daily
journey with many setbacks. But what I have come to realize is that, when I
recognize the value of what I have before me in personal relationships, my
relationship with God, and my contributions to society, I become far less
anxious and concerned about creating financial riches. To me, this is
contentment.
What does it mean to be rich in your life? Please
leave a comment; I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Want advice on starting your own action plan? Give
me a call at 980-275-1627. Talk to you soon, Ed Coambs
Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook
For all your communication needs, she is all you need.
Grow your marriage by getting all the latest blog posts.
