Friday, January 31, 2014

Spend a $100 or I will be mad at you


Celebrations of birthdays, babies, weddings, and holidays always come with great expectations - especially when it comes to our money. Even when the invitation says “no gifts,” there’s always pressure to spend. Recently, I was in a coffee shop and overheard a woman telling a friend over the phone about how her family was going to get mad at her if she didn't spend a hundred dollars on a gift for an upcoming celebration. 

Her dilemma raises an interesting question about what to do when someone threatens you with a strong emotion when you don't want to do something. This is where having a healthy sense of boundaries and ownership of emotions can be really beneficial. The reason that people use strong emotions to evoke you into doing something is that they know that it works on you. But when you choose to react differently and let that person own their emotions, then you are free to respond in a way that is congruent with your values. 

So, what does this look like in practical terms? Let’s try seeing it through the lens of a hypothetical conversation between our coffee shop friend and her relative.

Family Member: You need to buy Sally a $100 gift for her birthday or I will be so mad at you.

Coffee Shop Woman: You are entitled to your feelings, and I respect that. But I have made the decision to do something different this year. 

Family Member: I can't believe you. I am so mad! How can you not buy this gift for Sally?

Coffee Shop Woman: Please know that I love Sally very much, and I am happy to come to her party if you would still like me there.

In their book Boundaries, Doctors Cloud and Townsend provide many great guidelines about establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. They also address eight common myths about setting them. In the case of our coffee shop friend, I think their myth number eight is particularly important. 

Myth #8: Boundaries are permanent, and I'm afraid of burning my bridges.

While the coffee shop woman is saying no to buying a $100 gift for Sally this time, she is not saying no forever. Rather, she is just saying that, right now, it does not make sense for her to purchase the gift. The important thing to remember is that she does not have to justify her reason for making the decision, but rather, she can just own the fact that she has the right to make her own choices about what to do with her money.


Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs


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Thursday, January 30, 2014

Creating financial success in your marriage

Getting on the same page: What would financial success look like in your marriage?

The absence of fighting about money?
Having an emergency fund?
Buying a home?
Purchasing a second home?
Writing a big check to charity?
Something else?

Chances are that you and your spouse are in the same chapter of the book, but perhaps not on the same page about what it means to be financially successful. What are you doing to get there? Too often, I have seen couples who have either stopped talking about money or fight non-stop about money. Either way, this disconnect usually ends up creating a huge wedge in their relationship. That’s because both people typically have their own individual thoughts on what financial success looks like. Instead of working together to create a vision for their family, they are locked in a battle over money. 

Here are 4 simple steps toward defining what financial success would look like in your marriage.

1. Realize this is not about winning a battle, but rather creating a life together.

2. Accept that you and your partner are not going to see eye-to-eye on everything.

3. Allow the definition of financial success to evolve as your family grows and changes.

4. Ask the question meaningfully and intentionally, “What would financial success look like for us?”


 An infinite number of discussions about money will arise during the course of your marriage, but the first step is to work toward realizing that you are in this together. When two peoplework together and not against one another, they create a profitable and fulfilling financial life as a joint unit. At the end of the day, it is not about accumulating the most money, but rather enjoying the marriage and family that you build together. So, take some time to slow down and get on the same page. 

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs


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Friday, January 24, 2014

How specialization gets us in trouble



By choosing one path in life, we give up many others. This is the nature of decision-making. Ultimately,  as we pursue our career paths, many of us become more and more specialized in certain industries and specific jobs within our respective fields. What does specialization allow us to do? The specialist can see problems that many other people could never even dream of seeing. Moreover, they are often the experts on how to solve them. Sounds perfect right? The issue, however, is that, as we specialize, we often start to lose perspective on many other dynamics of life.

So often in our marriages, we try to use our professionally developed skills to run our families. But what if your specialty at work does not support the emotional health of your family? Let’s say you are an accountant and at work it requires precision and accuracy with all the details, but when you get home what happens when you can no longer control all the details? It may be time for consultation on how to become more flexible in your family life.

As we pursue our professional specialization, we tend to get more and more comfortable at work, but in the pursuit if we  do not also put significant effort into building and maintaining our family, we can lose perspective on how to be with and enjoy them.

Specialists also tend to have an ever-narrowing view of how to solve problems. Perhaps another example will help. After graduating high school, I became a professional fire fighter. My colleagues and I would often go to homes where people  did not know where their water shut off was or where their breaker box was, and we would ask ourselves, “How do these people not know these really simple things about their own houses? We can see by their property that they are smart and successful in their careers. What’s the deal?”

The reality is that the people who owned those homes spent more time building their careers then maintaining their houses. So, what seemed like practical knowledge to a fire fighter was a bit distant or not important to the home owner. Since moving on from fire fighting, I now have a greater understanding of this dilemma. As I have progressed through my adult life earning several master’s degrees and focusing on a career as a financial consultant, I find myself less interested and less able to care for the practical things around my family’s home. I would rather have someone else come out to fix things that I normally would have taken the time to do myself.

Is specialization bad? No, not at all; on the contrary, it allows us to become more efficient at recognizing and solving many complex problems. The reality is that everyone is a specialist in some way, shape or form, such as:

The stay-at-home parent - They know when the kids need to get up, go to school, turn in assignments, what groceries to buy, and the list goes on. It's not that the other parent isn't aware these things are happening; they just won't know them in the same detail.

The school teacher - Think about it: do you know how to assess if a third grader is making adequate progress through class, or how to teach high school algebra? I wouldn't know where to start.

The graphic artist - Definitely a specialist. They know how to create beautiful things for us to enjoy. They always seem to have a talent for picking just the right colors, fonts, images, etc. to make something look absolutely perfect.

The business person – Oh, there are too many types to list, but each business person develops a specific skill set that allows him or her to help support/run a business.

What we need to remember as specialists is that we develop a unique perspective on how the world works and how things get done. But we should not allow our focus on our specialty to stop us from examining how we function in our marriage and family life. The reality is that it takes a different skill set to build a flourishing family, and just as you have become an expert in your profession, it will take effort and continuous work to be an expert in your family. The outcome of that effort, however, can lead to you having a place that you love calling home.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs


Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook
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Thursday, January 16, 2014

Stop setting goals


What happens to you when you hear the word “goal?” For some, it generates excitement. Others, however, shut down. Everyone has a philosophy on goals; what is yours?

After reading a recent blog post titled “Stop Setting Goals” by Gene Hamilton, I started thinking about my own philosophy on goals. In a nutshell, Gene recounts his desire to become a top mountain biker, but when he finally accomplishes his goal, he feels empty rather than fulfilled. Why? Because he focused so hard on pursuing his dream that he ended up neglecting (and losing) a great girlfriend, friends, family and a home. Years later, he decided to take a another stab at being a top mountain biker, but this time - while his ultimate goal hadn’t changed -  he focused on experiencing success daily by acknowledging small milestones along the way and trusting that they would lead to his ultimate goal. For Gene the small milestones included interval training, hill climbs, and distance days, at the end of each them he would celebrate his accomplishment. What happened the second time around? Sure enough, Gene enjoyed accomplishing both his smaller goals and the big one of being a top-ranked mountain biker. 

How can this lesson help us on our journey toward financial success? Maybe an example might help. Let's say that your goal is to have a million dollars, but you have not yet started working on getting there. You can break down this goal into many, many small parts that can be celebrated along the way (just like Gene). Step one might look like opening a savings account, step two set up an automatic payment of $10 a week to that account, step three read a book about investing, step four to be determined…Once you figure out what the big goal is and break it down into the smaller pieces, forget about the larger picture and just focus on living out the smaller, timelier successes. The big goal will then naturally follow the regular attainment of the smaller goals. 


Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs


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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Finding your financial voice


There are more personal finance guru’s out there than you can shake a stick at. How do you know who to trust, and what advice do you integrate into your life? Oh, there are so many questions when considering the variety of financial tips and tricks that are available.

But the real challenge is to find your own financial voice. What do you believe to be true about the value of money? Is this something you share or keep to yourself? Knowing yourself – spiritually, mentally, emotionally – is one of the most important parts of the human journey. I ask you to know yourself financially as well. Define for yourself what you believe to be true about money. Stop looking at external influences for a moment, and spend some time writing down all that you believe to be true about money.

Understanding our thoughts, beliefs and feelings will be helpful in creating the financial life we want, but it’s important to note that some will also be limiting. The challenge is to separate which ones to keep and which ones should go. However, you won't know how to proceed until you have taken the time to know what you think, believe and feel about money.

Try this simple exercise. Look at each word below, and write down the first feelings/ideas that come to mind next to them.

Money:

Wealth:

Poverty:

Investing:

Debt:

Now that you have taken action, continue with other money- related words that stimulate strong responses for you, and write down your first thoughts to those as well.

If you really want to step up your growth, share this with your spouse and ask if he or she would be willing to do the same with you. You will be amazed at what you learn about how your partner sees money.




Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs


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Losing perspective on the value of a dollar


It’s funny how your perspective on money changes as you get older. As an adult, I often tell myself that spending an extra $20 on a toy for my son won’t really affect my budget.

Yet, I remember when I was...
·      Five, and I thought a dollar was a lot of money; 
·      15, and I thought $20 was a lot of money, 
·      25, and I thought $100 was a lot of money.

Now that I am in my thirties, it feels like I don’t actually pay as much attention to expenses that aren’t “big” – ie., larger numbers. But here’s the problem: Once we start moving upward in our careers and our income goes up, we forget how hard it once was to make a dollar. 

It’s important from time to time to slow down and remember the true value (and meaning) of a dollar. Perahaps on its own, a single dollar is not going to change your financial picture at all - but what happens when we put many dollars together? That’s when we see a significant impact on our life. 

My challenge to you is that, whatever level of income you are making, stop and take a few minutes to really think about how far a dollar can carry you. Try this simple exercise. 

1. Think of an amount of money you regularly spend without thinking twice, whether it’s $30 on dinner or $150 on clothes.
2. Multiply that value by 12. 
3. Are you surprised by how much that is? Not yet? Okay, keep going...
4. Multiply THAT number by four. 
5. Still not surprised? Buckle your seat belt!
6. Multiple that number by two.
7. If you are still not surprised, then I don't know what it will take! According to this formula, you will spend some “small” amount of money 96 times without thinking in just one year. 

Here are my numbers.

$20 x 12 x 4 x 2 = $1,920

I’m honestly shocked that I could spend this much money without thinking in 12 months!

If I take one more step and multiple this number by 10 (years), I get $19,200. Could this amount help me accomplish a significant goal? Absolutely. How and when you spend your money may not make a big difference in the short term, but in the long run, it will definitely have a significant impact. 

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs


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Thursday, January 9, 2014

It Starts with Me


One of the deepest questions we tend to ask ourselves is, “Am I acceptable?” How we go about finding the answer varies widely.

When it comes to knowing if we are making the right decisions in our marriage and with money, there is a proliferation of books, articles and thought leaders all willing to divulge the “right way” to do it (I am one of them). Yet, when you spend too much time consulting these sources, it doesn’t take long to feel completely overwhelmed by the various views and approaches they offer. When we only look outside ourselves for the answer to whether we’re acceptable, then we are relying on external validation to give our lives meaning. 

We all do it. That’s because external validation allows us to compare and contrast the life that we are living to the lives of others. Let's face it - no matter how hard we try not to think about the Joneses, at some point, we inevitably examine how our life stacks up to other people's, as this gives us opportunities to see where we can grow. Yet the challenge that this creates is that we can be left feeling inadequate and unacceptable if external validation is our only source of self-worth.

Let me share an example to make my point. I have read countless books on the topic of personal finance. I love the subject, yet the more I read, the more I have come to realize that I cannot possibly embrace all of the different views of "financial success." Why? When I think about the myriad of advice and offerings about money,  I see a continuum of belief about what financial success looks like. Some people see it as having the most money, while others say it’s living a simple life without material things. So, given the spectrum of opinions, what am I to do if I want to live a financially successful life? 

It starts with me. Instead of confusing myself even more by trying to process everyone else’s opinion, I will use internal validation to decide what financial success looks like for me. Internal validation starts with saying that I am acceptable no matter where I am in my life. It acknowledges that I have the potential for growth and change, all the while maintaining my acceptability. Internal validation is what we use to help measure which sources of external validation we want to integrate into our life and which sources we want to leave out. It says I have the ability to make my own decisions about what is right for my life, and I don't have to become what others tell me to become.  When we develop a strong sense of internal validation then we can answer the question, “Am I acceptable?” with a resounding, “YES!” 

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs


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