You are to Grow

Despite the chaos of life, I have found that setting aside time every morning for devotions has a great calming and centering effect on my day. Recently I came across a piece of scripture that so moved and encouraged me, I felt compelled to share it. I know not all of my readers are Christians, but I think that there is a powerful message for all of us – regardless of religious affiliation – in the words of 2 Peter 1:5-9 (I’m calling the passage “You are to Grow”). Take a moment to read it and contemplate how it could apply to your life.

You are to Grow

2 Peter 1:5-9

For this very reason, make every effort to

Add to your faith, goodness

And to goodness, knowledge

And to knowledge, self control

And to self control, perseverance

And to perseverance, godliness

And to godliness, brotherly kindness

And to brotherly kindness, love.

For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure,

They will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive,

In your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

But if anyone does not have them,

He is nearsighted and blind,

And has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

As I read this short scripture, I was taken aback by the guidance I received from it. It struck me that, as I add goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness and love to my faith, I will put myself in a better position to be more effective and productive in my knowledge of God. This passage provided clear order to specific aspects of life that I can focus on to increase my certainty when it comes to my calling and destiny. To me, Peter is communicating that I am not expected to have each of these attributes perfectly dialed in, but over time, I should focus on growth in all of these areas. As a Christian, having a stronger grasp on these qualities will allow me to walk more closely with my Lord and Savior. 

Thank you for the opportunity to share something more personal with you today. I hope that this piece of scripture will increase your faith and affirm that you do not have to have everything together; instead, if you focus on the aforementioned attributes, you will feel yourself walking more confidently in your faith.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

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Not just money: Fears, feelings and the pressures of marriage (part two)

Who wants to waste time fighting about money? Not me (or you, I presume). Yet, at one point or another during our marriages, we will in fact face some dispute over money; perhaps multiple disputes. But the reality is that, when we fight about finances,  the conflict tends to be about a lot more than what’s on the surface.

Let’s revisit the story of Bob and Sally from my previous post. For them, the argument over money was rooted in the fact that  Bob was feeling fearful about his future job stability, and Sally was still holding on to the pain of not having enough to go around as a child. Bob wants to get away every once in a while to forget his troubles, but Sally doesn't want the family to spend any discretionary money because she’d rather see it all go into their bank account.

If you are like Bob and Sally and find yourself butting heads with your partner like this, there is hope: you can indeed work through your arguments. You just might need to consider a new approach.

Try these five actions  to help you move away from the topic of money and toward the feelings, fears and pressures behind the money argument.

1. Remain open-minded and curious about why your spouse is bringing up the issue. Remember that there are two ways to respond: logically or emotionally. The reality is that most of us respond with a bit of both, so we want to acknowledge both the logical and emotional components of our partner’s perspective.

2. Ask, “When you bring up ____________ about money what do you want me to know?” This will help you to see where your partner is coming from and hopefully give you a fresh perspective on what they are really communicating.

3. Ask, “Why is ________________ about money important to you?” This is important because most of us haven’t ever thought as much about why something is important to us, we just know that it is.

4. Ask, “What pressures and fears are you experiencing in life right now that I don’t know about?” This will help you reconnect with your partner, when life has gotten busy.

5. Communicate with your spouse that. “When you bring up _____________ about money, it makes me feel _______________.,which causes me to __________________.” This will help you to connect the dots for your partner about why you are responding the way that you are. communicate with your partner.

At the end of the day, moving beyond your money arguments requires growing amounts of empathy and a desire to truly know your partner for all their strengths and limitations. When the enevitable money arguments come up, slow down and take your time to really understand where your partner is coming from, and don’t just presume that you know because of past experience.

Want advice on starting your own action plan? Give me a call at 980-275-1627.

Talk to you soon,

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook
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http://marriageandmoneymatters.blogspot.com/2013/12/its-more-than-talking-about-money-it-is.html

How Money Sayings Get Us in Trouble

Money is one of those topics we love and hate to talk about. Most of us desire to have more of it, even if some of us tell others that we don't. Yet no matter what you believe about money, you probably have a saying about money that represents the way that you feel. Yet it is our very sayings about money that may be what limits us from developing a healthy relationship with money.

Here is a short list of sayings about money. How can these sayings mislead you?

- Money can't buy happiness
- Money is the root of all evil
- A penny saved is a penny earned
- Money makes the world go 'round
- Save your pennies for a rainy day
- Mo' Money, Mo' Problems
- A fool and his money are soon parted
- You can't take it with you
- Render unto Caesar
- A penny for your thoughts
- Money can't buy me love
- Putting your money where your mouth is
- Dollar wise and penny foolish
- Spending money like a drunken sailor

I don't know about you but after reading over this list of money sayings several times I feel confused, what am I supposed to believe about money? This is the challenge when we rely on a saying or two about a topic that has profound impact and influence over our life. The reality is that many of these sayings have grown out of a personal observation or experience, but without understanding the context of the saying it may be misapplied in application to our life. To often the saying we have become familiar with has been adapted and with some parts dropped intentionally so that the saying makes sense for context in which the message is being delivered. This is why we should not just accept a money saying at face value, but rather take time to question the origin and meaning of the saying.

Let's just take one of these sayings and understand the possible implications.

3 Problems/Challenges with "Money is the root of all evil".

This is a Biblical reference to Paul's letter to Timothy found in 1 Timothy 6:10. The actual verse reads v.10 For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.

1. Notice the verse includes the word love which gives a completely different meaning to the sentence. Then it is in the second sentence that Paul expresses his real concern which is that when some people have loved money, they have wandered from faith and pierced themselves with many pangs.

2. If you believe money is the root of all evil, no wonder you would not trust the rich because they are the ones with loads of money. Or perhaps you believe they are rich because they love money and so then they are evil.

3. When you take a Biblical verse in isolation then you miss the broader context of what the Bible says about a given subject. To counter balance any ideas that money might be evil consider the parable of the talents in Matthew 25: 14-30 where the first two servants took their given talents (equivalent to money) and doubled them, the last servant hide his and returned what was given to him. The first two servants where told well done good and faithful servant, where as the last servant was called a wicked and slothful servant.

Ultimately the Bible references the management and use of money and resources over 2,000 times. Management of financial resources is a subject that creates many challenges, because there are significant implications for how we view and use money.

The first step to understanding the role of money in our life, is to decide what model or view of money we are going to take. Then we can set out on a journey to continually learn how to apply that model to the best of our understanding. Feel free to give me a call to talk more, 980-275-1627.

Regards,
Ed Coambs

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Not just money: Fears, feelings and the pressures of marriage (part one)

Why is it that most married couples seem to fight about the same thing over and over again, year after year: money Because it’s more thanjust a means of buying the things we need in life. Money represents, and is often used to express, our feelings. Those feelings can develop into different fears and pressures within our relationships, which can then cause us to do things with money that are actually detrimental to the partnership. When couples are in the midst of a heated debate about money, they often don’t think about  looking beyond the superficial  argument at hand to recognize the actual feelings, fears and pressures that exist.

To help illustrate what I’m talking about, let’s look at the case of a typical American family. Bob and Sally have been married for nine years. They have two children, Max and Suzy. Since getting married, they have both enjoyed careers that have gradually placed them into roles that require more and more responsibility. However, with the ever-increasing demands of work and home life, both Bob and Sally have recently felt like the initial chemistry they once shared has worn off, and they are starting to fight about money more frequently.

Bob and Sally's typical argument goes something like this.

Bob: Here we go again. You always have a problem when I spend money hanging out with the guys.

Sally: I am not mad. I just wish you’d prefer to spend your free time at home with our family, that’s all.

Bob: Well, if you would let me hang out with my buddies from time to time, then I would be more excited about coming home. I couldn't tell you the last time I had a guys’ night.

Sally: Why do you say that? I just think we need to be saving money right now. You know as well as I do how tight thing are around here.

Bob: When will things ever not be tight? You know I am working my butt off with no promotion in sight. I have to get away from the office and our home every now and then, or I will go crazy.

You get the idea. Now, Bob and Sally think that if they could just learn how to talk to each other in a respectful, diplomatic manner, then they wouldn't have these arguments. But even if they did increase their ability to openly share their feelings without conflict, they still need to go beyond what is literally being said and understand the values and metaphors that are being communicated[RA1] .  That is, why are Bob and Sally really fighting?

First, let’s take a look at their financial picture.

1. Their mortgage costs 20% of their income (very reasonable level).

2. They have four months of expenses saved (healthy level).

3. They both regularly contribute to their respective companies’ retirement funds.

Based on that, it seems like things are not actually all that bad for Bob and Sally from a financial persective. So, the problem isn’t about “things being tight,” as they have plenty of resources to carry them through a tough season. It’s also not the surface-level issue of Bob wanting to spend time with his friends. What, then, is really happening?

In short, Bob and Sally's feelings, fears and pressures about their relationship have not been openly addressed, simply because they have been “too busy” focusing on work and raising their kids. 

The truth is that Bob is overwhelmed in his IT role.  His company continues to hire younger employees who are outperforming him. This has caused Bob to feel uncertain about his future at the company. Because of this uncertainty, Bob's self-confidence and sense of pride are being challenged. Sally, meanwhile, is feeling pressure because she grew up in a family where there was never enough money, and she subconsciously  believes that that, the more money in the bank, the better.

Sound familiar?

In my next blog post, I will share an action plan for Bob and Sally  that’s intended to help them work through their money fight.

Want advice on starting your own action plan? Give me a call at 980-275-1627.

Regards,
Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook
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4 Quick Tips to Getting Over Your Money Arguments

Money arguments are a normal part of the marriage relationship. So it is important to have a framework for working through those arguments. Here are four simple tips to help you get through the money fights.

1. Encourage Fun and Reassurance. Identify ways that you can have fun together outside of the arguments you are having about money.

2. Be Giving and Loving. Develop an attitude of gratitude for the things your partner is doing right.

3. Shift Your Mentality from Poverty to Wealth. Identify the things that you do have (i.e. job, house, cars, each other, kids, etc.) instead of being focused on what you do not have.

4. Move from Provoking to Play. If you are fighting about money all the time, then set boundaries around the time when you will have "money talks". Something like Mondays from 6 - 7 pm. Keep the time short and consistent. If either spouse brings up money issues outside of that time, then the other spouse is allowed to do something playful or ridiculous like taking of their clothing until the other partner stops.


Please leave a comment with how you work through your money arguments.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more, 980-275-1627.

Regards,
Ed Coambs

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