Affluence Guilt and Shame

What is “affluence guilt?” It is when you feel insecure, frustrated, or shameful that you have more financial resources than another person or group of people. At a global level, we can sometimes feel this as U.S. citizens. Even if we personally don't think we have that much money, when we are told that we are the richest nation in the world and look at what a less affluent country has in comparison, it can induce guilt and shame.

Researcher and shame expert Brenee Brown defines guilt as coming from what we have done and shame as coming from who we are. 

At the individual level, affluence guilt and shame comes into play when recognizing that you have more money than your family, friends and community members. This realization often leads to feelings of insecurity, frustration or embarrassment. What if you have truly pursued your passions and have ended up in a position where you are able to earn a great living and have more than others --is that something to feel guilty or shameful about? No. There are however five groups of people who are likely to experience affluence guilt and shame.

1. First-generation professional athletes

2. People who are making substantially more money than their family (typically those with an advanced college degree)

3. Successful entrepreneurs who end up making more than they ever imagined

4. People marrying into a high-income/net-worth family

5. People who receive an unexpected inheritance/windfall

From psychology we know that, when we feel guilt or shame, we will use a variety of different coping mechanisms to release the guilt. The challenge is that, while the coping mechanisms often provide short-term relief, they are not a long-term solution.

So, what impact does affluence guilt and shame have on the way that you manage your resources and relationships? The most common and easily recognizable impact is the under-accumulation or rapid spending down of assets (i.e., net worth impact). For every level of income, there is an expected ability to manage your resources in a way that will be able to support your current and future needs. Yet those who feel guilt and shame about making or having large amounts of money will tend to under-accumulate resources because they can't imagine themselves as being the person that has sufficient resources. Having negative connotations attached to affluence causes subconscious actions to occur and sabotage efforts at appropriately managing resources.

Affluence guilt and shame also impacts the way that we manage personal relationships. Let’s say that you have a friend who you know is making much less than you are, and you feel bad that they do not have the same resources as you. You may find yourself buying things for them that they didn’t necessarily want  because you feel insecure about your level of affluence. So, you take deliberate and intentional action to make sure that they are provided for. Unfortunately, all too often, this reinforces the divide in resources and can lead to resentment and withdrawal from the relationship. 

The journey of living with affluence takes work. It has its own unique set of challenges and opportunities. When you take intentional steps towards learning to live with affluence it can provide both great personal satisfaction and positive change for the world.   

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

For all your communication needs, she is all you need.

Grow your marriage by getting all the latest blog posts.

* indicates required

Email Address * First Name Last Name 

Going Deep With Diver Ed

On a recent family vacation to Maine, I learned some important lessons about the value of depth.  We went on an amazing tour with Diver Ed, and while we stayed in the boat, Diver Ed dove into the cold Atlantic Ocean to share with the tour some of the amazing sea creatures that live below the surface.

Diver Ed is no ordinary diver. He is the most excited and engaging person you could ever want to meet. His passion for getting below the surface of the water and sharing with his tour participants what he finds is infectious. For a few moments, I was so excited by his findings that I thought I might want to also put on a dry suit (a special type of wet suit for cold water). Then, I reconsidered, as my passion does not lie in the depths of the ocean, but rather in the depths of the soul. There, too, are amazing things to discover. Diving into the soul can be both dangerous and rewarding, but when we come back to the surface after times of reflection, we develop a new appreciation for who we are.

Diver Ed talked a lot about how he would find different critters living at different depths. I think this is also true of our soul. As we move deeper into our understanding of our soul, we come to know more of who we are and the complexity of what makes us up. This is why we connect so deeply with incredible artists. They have come to terms with the depths of their soul and express that through their art. The end result is moving and immediately knowable. When we live life from the depths of our soul, we give off a sense of authenticity with which others connect.

Going deep is something that we often fear, but when we have a tour guide like Diver Ed, we can be encouraged to embrace the discovery of who we have been made to become. I personally have been on a transformational journey and am still on one in which I am connecting my life with who I have been created to be. A big part of this transformation has been in training to become a counselor at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary. I have had the chance to explore both psychology and theology. I have examined both what others understand of these subjects and what I understand of these subjects. Additionally, my experiences with a unique and special spiritual direction program that’s directed at attending to the soul have helped me to prune away unnecessary baggage and grow more into the person I have been designed to be.

What I have found to be true is that our familiarity bias that calls us to leave well enough alone limits our ability and desire to go deeper. Yet that is the very thing that can pull us out of the situations we find ourselves in and no longer want to be in. Becoming comfortable with soul exploration will have a transformative impact on your life. It will reorient some, if not all, of your goals or reasons for doing things. Life reorientation is a risk we all know intuitively exists and often stops us in the tracks of transformation. The great mystery about soul exploration is that, as you are making new decisions about your life, the old ways no longer seem relevant. Leaving behind what once was important is no longer a big deal.

Let’s come back up to the surface of soul exploration. By engaging in soul exploration, you will begin to reorient the way in which you approach life and those matters that cause you the most difficulty. Be it in your marriage, your finances, friendships, or work, as you enter into soul transformation, your perspective and approach begin to shift in ways that allow you to engage life in a more meaningful way.

To go further in your exploration, I recommend checking out Creating a Rule of Life by Steve Macchia.

If you are ever in Bar Harbor, Maine, and you have young children, I highly recommend Diver Ed's Dive-In Theater.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

For all your communication needs, she is all you need.

Grow your marriage by getting all the latest blog posts.

* indicates required

Email Address * First Name Last Name 

I Don't Understand. What Do You Want From Me?

“I don't understand. What do you want from me?” How often have you uttered those words either out loud or in your head? Being married can be one of the greatest blessings in life, but at times, we all feel perplexed trying to understand where our spouse is coming from. This especially happens when it comes to the family finances, and by now you know your spouse has a different perspective than you.

Still, you might not really be sure why it is different. You just know it is, and you struggle to understand where they are coming from. To help move from uncertainty to clarity about what your spouse wants from the family finances, let’s consider empathy. Empathy is a way of slowing down and getting to a place in which you can see the world through your spouse’s eyes. This is a time-honored skill in the counseling profession and one that I love to use to help me gain better insight into my own marriage.

The art of empathy sounds easy, but the true practice is difficult. Empathy is completely about the other person’s experience - not your interpretation, but rather as if you were walking in their shoes.

Last night, as I was taking a public speaking class by Casey Truffo, she shared with us an empathy map that includes six questions to help you move from your own experience to the experience of another person. For the purposes of this article lets think about family finances.

The Six Empathy Questions

1.  What do they say?

2.  What do they think?

3.  What do they feel?

4.  What do they want?

5.  What do they not want?

6.  What are they afraid of?

Taking the time to slow down and think through and answer these questions as if you were your spouse will give you great insight into their thinking. Writing down the answers to these questions will bring even greater clarity. People change not because you want them to, but rather for their own motivations and reasons. It is important that in working through your difficult family finance conversations that you first seek to understand where your spouse is coming from.

Try answering the above questions as a couple. Center your conversation on a common family finance frustration, but not while you are not already heated up.

It is always amazing to me, and even harder for me to explain, but when a couple becomes empathetic toward each other, solutions appear that they could have never imagined, nor could I have imagined. Giving your relationship room for empathy allows it the space it needs for you to make rational decisions about what is best for moving forward.

For example, let’s take John and Sally, who have a 17-year -old son Jake who’s headed off for college next year. John wants to cover the full tuition, but Sally is resistant to that idea because she paid her way through college.

John Steps into Sally's shoes and answers the six questions

1. Sally says, “I worked my way through college, and I can't see why Jake can't do the same. He has managed a part-time job and kept good grades in high school.”

2. Sally –thinks, “Working during college will help Jake develop the discipline he will need to survive in the working world.”

3. Sally –feels anxious that Jake won't take college seriously if John and Sally pay for the whole thing.

4. Sally wants Jake to feel confident in his ability to work and manage multiple responsibilities.

5.  Sally –doesn’t want to jeopardize her and John's financial security so that Jake can get through college.

6. Sally is –fearful that paying for Jake's college in full will create an entitled son who doesn't appreciate the value of hard work.

Sally Steps into John's shoes and answers the six questions

1. John –says, “My parents paying for college was the best gift I ever received. It allowed me to focus on my studies and get great grades, which then allowed me to apply to a top-tier graduate school.”

2. John –thinks, “Paying for Jake's school will give him opportunities to enjoy campus life and have time to focus on his studies.”

3. John –feels excited about Jake going to school.

4. John –wants to be able to do for Jake what his parents did for him.

5. John –doesn’t want Jake to miss out on going to the school of his choice because he feared not being able to pay for it from his own funds.

6. John is –fearful Jake would take on crushing loads of debt to go to a good school, and that it would be a burden on him while he starts his career, forcing him to take a job that is not in alignment with his dreams.

By John and Sally taking the time to seriously answer these questions, they came to three valuable conclusions.

1. They have both focused on their own experiences and expectations but have not talked to Jake about what he wants.

2. They both really do want the best for Jake.

3. They decided that the best way to resolve these differences was to understand Jake's desires, and then find different funding sources.

Ultimately, John and Sally acting empathetic toward one another allowed them to relieve their levels of stress and frustration and work collaboratively to make a decision that respects all three of their desires.

Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.

Ed Coambs

Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook

For all your communication needs, she is all you need.

Grow your marriage by getting all the latest blog posts.

* indicates required

Email Address * First Name Last Name