Over time and with skill there is hope that two spouses can come together and start to make decisions together. It starts with empathetic listening. What does it mean to listen with empathy? It means that you put down your defensiveness and really seek to first understand where the other person is coming from. The question you should be asking yourself is, why do they view things the way that they do? In order to accomplish this it is important to listen first, and then reflect back the feelings your spouse is communicating. The trick is that often when you fight about money it looks like anger, but underneath that anger is another emotion. It may be one of fear, distrust, worry, or violation. When you can identify with your spouses true feelings it will lower their defenses and it will then create a unique opportunity to have real and vulnerable conversation about your finances.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Money conflict? How to get on the same page.
I recently met with a financial planner who was feeling frustrated that his clients did not share the same perspective as he did. This conversation reminded me of the common experience I hear about in marriage when each spouse is on a different financial page then the other. This can be a really frustrating experience for both spouses.
Over time and with skill there is hope that two spouses can come together and start to make decisions together. It starts with empathetic listening. What does it mean to listen with empathy? It means that you put down your defensiveness and really seek to first understand where the other person is coming from. The question you should be asking yourself is, why do they view things the way that they do? In order to accomplish this it is important to listen first, and then reflect back the feelings your spouse is communicating. The trick is that often when you fight about money it looks like anger, but underneath that anger is another emotion. It may be one of fear, distrust, worry, or violation. When you can identify with your spouses true feelings it will lower their defenses and it will then create a unique opportunity to have real and vulnerable conversation about your finances.
Over time and with skill there is hope that two spouses can come together and start to make decisions together. It starts with empathetic listening. What does it mean to listen with empathy? It means that you put down your defensiveness and really seek to first understand where the other person is coming from. The question you should be asking yourself is, why do they view things the way that they do? In order to accomplish this it is important to listen first, and then reflect back the feelings your spouse is communicating. The trick is that often when you fight about money it looks like anger, but underneath that anger is another emotion. It may be one of fear, distrust, worry, or violation. When you can identify with your spouses true feelings it will lower their defenses and it will then create a unique opportunity to have real and vulnerable conversation about your finances.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Over 1,000 Views and Growing
Thank you everyone that has taken the time to read my blog posts. I am really excited that in two months I have been able get over 1,000 views on my blog. I look forward to continuing to bring you the best I can write and find on the matters of marriage and money.
I started this blog, because I have not found anyone else that talks about marriage and money issues as one topic.
What hurdles do you have in your marriage when it comes to money? Please leave a comment and let me know.
I started this blog, because I have not found anyone else that talks about marriage and money issues as one topic.
What hurdles do you have in your marriage when it comes to money? Please leave a comment and let me know.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Making The Most of Your Marriage and Money Relationship
What are you doing to increase your effectiveness in your marriage and with money? Both of these areas require continuing effort to increase your level of satisfaction with either one. It is my belief that if you improve your marriage you financial position will improve, and that if you improve your financial position you will improve your marriage. Marriage and Money issues are linked. They both require attention.
We to often see education as an expense and not an investment. Sure you often have to give up some time and pay some money to learn, but what you learn in return should pay you back in spades. When you study and apply healthy marriage and money habits over time you build a deep resource pool to draw on when you face the challenging times. The best time to prepare for challenges is when there are none.
In no particular order here are 5 of my favorite books that address either marriage or money topics.
1. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Why you should read it, to learn how your spouse receives love differently then you do and how to respond to them in a way so that they will feel loved.
2. Love Talk by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot. Why you should read it, practical guidance on creating time and space to talk with your spouse.
3. Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Why you should read it, to understand the cycle that often leaves you in conflict.
4. The Millionaire Mind by Thomas Stanley. Why you should read it, to disspell many of the myths you may have about what it is like to be rich.
5. Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach Why you should read it, this is the most practical book on everything from getting organized, to managing debt, to investing. Start here if you don't know where else to start as a couple.
When you take time to understand how your marriage and money can work together, then you not only impact your life, but the life's of many others. Let's face it, wether you love, hate or are indifferent about money it impacts your marriage. You might as well make the most of it, and make it meaningful.
How do you make the most of your marriage and money relationship? Please leave a comment.
We to often see education as an expense and not an investment. Sure you often have to give up some time and pay some money to learn, but what you learn in return should pay you back in spades. When you study and apply healthy marriage and money habits over time you build a deep resource pool to draw on when you face the challenging times. The best time to prepare for challenges is when there are none.
In no particular order here are 5 of my favorite books that address either marriage or money topics.
1. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Why you should read it, to learn how your spouse receives love differently then you do and how to respond to them in a way so that they will feel loved.
2. Love Talk by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrot. Why you should read it, practical guidance on creating time and space to talk with your spouse.
3. Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Why you should read it, to understand the cycle that often leaves you in conflict.
4. The Millionaire Mind by Thomas Stanley. Why you should read it, to disspell many of the myths you may have about what it is like to be rich.
5. Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach Why you should read it, this is the most practical book on everything from getting organized, to managing debt, to investing. Start here if you don't know where else to start as a couple.
When you take time to understand how your marriage and money can work together, then you not only impact your life, but the life's of many others. Let's face it, wether you love, hate or are indifferent about money it impacts your marriage. You might as well make the most of it, and make it meaningful.
How do you make the most of your marriage and money relationship? Please leave a comment.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Creating Vision, Just like a Polaroid Photo
Have you ever wondered why it is so hard to clearly develop your vision for the future?
There are many moving pieces to developing your vision for the future, it can be confusing to determine which pieces should take priority. I was recently reflecting on this issue myself and thought about it this way. Clarifying your values is like taking a polaroid photo, (for those of you born in the 80's and earlier) when you take the picture you hope that you got everyone smiling and in the right pose. The picture comes out of the camera and you shake it for clarity. Then after a few minutes you realize you didn't quite get the photo you hoped for, so you start over. You get everyone lined up again, take another photo, shake it, nope still not a good enough photo. One more time you get everyone lined up, take the photo, shake it and realize nope still not a great photo. But by now you and everyone else is frustrated and ready to just get on with the activity of the day, and so you live with the photo that you have taken.
This can also be how you develop your vision. You get everything lined up again, take a snap shot, shake it, realize it is not perfect and keep on going, knowing that in time you can start the process again. We don't often get the right picture on the first try and it takes effort to get the final shot we want.
In this modern day of digital technology with instant feedback, we expect the rest of our life to work that way. We take a digital photo and we instantly know whether we are happy with it, or if we need to another photo. But in our everyday life, we seldom get that quick of feedback, sometimes it takes days, weeks, months, or years before we can become really clear about where we are headed.
So take your time, take multiple shots at it, and realize that when you get frustrated you can take another shot at your vision later. Allow your vision to develop over time. It will evolve as you get more information.
How is your vision developing? Please leave a comment.
There are many moving pieces to developing your vision for the future, it can be confusing to determine which pieces should take priority. I was recently reflecting on this issue myself and thought about it this way. Clarifying your values is like taking a polaroid photo, (for those of you born in the 80's and earlier) when you take the picture you hope that you got everyone smiling and in the right pose. The picture comes out of the camera and you shake it for clarity. Then after a few minutes you realize you didn't quite get the photo you hoped for, so you start over. You get everyone lined up again, take another photo, shake it, nope still not a good enough photo. One more time you get everyone lined up, take the photo, shake it and realize nope still not a great photo. But by now you and everyone else is frustrated and ready to just get on with the activity of the day, and so you live with the photo that you have taken.
This can also be how you develop your vision. You get everything lined up again, take a snap shot, shake it, realize it is not perfect and keep on going, knowing that in time you can start the process again. We don't often get the right picture on the first try and it takes effort to get the final shot we want.
In this modern day of digital technology with instant feedback, we expect the rest of our life to work that way. We take a digital photo and we instantly know whether we are happy with it, or if we need to another photo. But in our everyday life, we seldom get that quick of feedback, sometimes it takes days, weeks, months, or years before we can become really clear about where we are headed.
So take your time, take multiple shots at it, and realize that when you get frustrated you can take another shot at your vision later. Allow your vision to develop over time. It will evolve as you get more information.
How is your vision developing? Please leave a comment.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Gaining Perspective
How many times have you set out a big goal financially, but then failed to complete it? Most of us have done this many times because the goal is to big or there are to many different competing goals and so we get totally overwhelmed and quit. Maybe your goal has sounded something like I will get on a budget, start saving for retirement, pay down some debt, go on a vacation, pay off a car loan, and save some money for my kids college this year. In reality that is to much to get done in a year, unless you have super human powers. However in five years you could be very well on your way to accomplishing many of those goals.
In light of this simple truth, here is one exercise for gaining perspective on where you can be in five years.
Step 1: Figure out what your one year household income is.
Step 2: Multiple that number by 5.
Step 3: Write that number down.
Step 4: Figure out how much money you need to accomplish your MOST IMPORTANT goal.
Step 5: Now think about how you can use that pot of money to accomplish your most important goal.
Step 6: Take specific and intentional action towards that goal.
If you start now and become intentional about where you want to be in five years, you will soon start to realize that you are making progress towards your goal.
Example Family
Step 1: Household income $50,000
Step 2: Five years of income $250,000
Step 3: $250,000
Step 4: Pay off the car loan of $15,000.
Step 5: Wow, $250,000 is a lot of money, maybe you can figure out a way to pay off the car, and then start saving for the future.
Here is a sample of how to find an extra $325 a month. Decrease your groceries by $100, your clothing by $100, your family entertainment by a $50, and your eating out by $75? The important thing is that you take the time to figure out where you will spend less money to accomplish your goal.
What goal are you currently working on? Please leave a comment.
During a recent sermon series at my church called Margin, which addressed creating space in our financial life, my pastor shared this. "We often overestimate what we can get done in a year, and underestimate what we can get done in five years". - Chris Payne, New Charlotte Church.
In light of this simple truth, here is one exercise for gaining perspective on where you can be in five years.
Step 1: Figure out what your one year household income is.
Step 2: Multiple that number by 5.
Step 3: Write that number down.
Step 4: Figure out how much money you need to accomplish your MOST IMPORTANT goal.
Step 5: Now think about how you can use that pot of money to accomplish your most important goal.
Step 6: Take specific and intentional action towards that goal.
If you start now and become intentional about where you want to be in five years, you will soon start to realize that you are making progress towards your goal.
Example Family
Step 1: Household income $50,000
Step 2: Five years of income $250,000
Step 3: $250,000
Step 4: Pay off the car loan of $15,000.
Step 5: Wow, $250,000 is a lot of money, maybe you can figure out a way to pay off the car, and then start saving for the future.
Step 6: Paying off $15,000 is not likely to happen in a year, but could you do it in two years, at $7,500 a year or $625 a month? In all likelihood you are probably already making a car payment of something like $300 a month towards the loan, so you would only need to find another $325 a month. Where to find an extra $325 a month becomes the question to ask your self.
Here is a sample of how to find an extra $325 a month. Decrease your groceries by $100, your clothing by $100, your family entertainment by a $50, and your eating out by $75? The important thing is that you take the time to figure out where you will spend less money to accomplish your goal.
What goal are you currently working on? Please leave a comment.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Moving Towards Hope
"You don't need coping skills, you need hoping skills, impossible is nothing for God"
This is a quote I heard from Dr. Margaret Nagib who led a workshop during the 2013 American Association of Christian Counselors conference. This was one of those paradigm (belief) changing workshops. How often have we all been caught just trying to find ways to get by, and not looking for ways to thrive?
So what is hope? It is the overall perception that a goal can be meet. There are two primary components of hope. The first is agency thoughts, which represents the drive to get something done. The second is pathways to achievement, seeing that there are multiple ways to get something done. The people that get the most accomplished and fulfilled out of life are not the most intelligent, but rather the ones that know that they can get it done. In other words they remain hopeful.
Why pursue hope? It can lead to; physical, mental and emotional health, a meaningful life, academic success, improved athletic performance, patience, and gratitude to name a few.
Dr. Nagib also introduced a simple formula for pursuing big dreams.
Hoping = Big Dreams and Coping = Little Dreams
If you are ready to start developing hope consider a dream journal. Write out a 100 dreams. To help you get started think about; travel, financial, education, hobbies, kids, family, legacy, and professional dreams.
As Christians we know that our ultimate hope is in the Lord, but that does not mean we can not have additional hopes and dreams.
Hoping Means
Trusting Him with everything you got
Choosing His peace when things don't make sense Phil. 4:7
Breaking off the lies and bad partnerships
Hope does not disappoint us Rom. 5:5
Thank you Dr. Nagib for your wonderful presentation.
What are you hopeful about? Please leave a comment.
This is a quote I heard from Dr. Margaret Nagib who led a workshop during the 2013 American Association of Christian Counselors conference. This was one of those paradigm (belief) changing workshops. How often have we all been caught just trying to find ways to get by, and not looking for ways to thrive?
So what is hope? It is the overall perception that a goal can be meet. There are two primary components of hope. The first is agency thoughts, which represents the drive to get something done. The second is pathways to achievement, seeing that there are multiple ways to get something done. The people that get the most accomplished and fulfilled out of life are not the most intelligent, but rather the ones that know that they can get it done. In other words they remain hopeful.
Why pursue hope? It can lead to; physical, mental and emotional health, a meaningful life, academic success, improved athletic performance, patience, and gratitude to name a few.
Dr. Nagib also introduced a simple formula for pursuing big dreams.
Hoping = Big Dreams and Coping = Little Dreams
If you are ready to start developing hope consider a dream journal. Write out a 100 dreams. To help you get started think about; travel, financial, education, hobbies, kids, family, legacy, and professional dreams.
As Christians we know that our ultimate hope is in the Lord, but that does not mean we can not have additional hopes and dreams.
Hoping Means
Trusting Him with everything you got
Choosing His peace when things don't make sense Phil. 4:7
Breaking off the lies and bad partnerships
Hope does not disappoint us Rom. 5:5
Thank you Dr. Nagib for your wonderful presentation.
What are you hopeful about? Please leave a comment.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Gratitude Works
Gratitude has the power to heal, energize and change lives. I recently heard a presentation by Dr. Robert Emmons of UC Davis, who researches the impact of gratitude on people's life. I was taken aback by the impact of gratitude. Did you know that based on Dr. Emmons findings people who regularly practice an attitude of gratitude have on average a 7% higher income then those people who don't?
To develop gratitude in your life, Dr. Emmons recommended starting a gratitude journal. He gave three simple steps to increasing the effectiveness of your gratitude journaling.
1. Specificity, be specific about what you are grateful for.
2. Surprise, write about something you received unexpectedly. (Anything from a compliment to a large gift.)
3. Scarcity, wanting now what you may not have later. (Imagine having no money, now how grateful are you for the money that you have?)
My guess is that we can all increase our level of gratitude and decrease our frustrations with our spouses and financial situations, when we start to focus more of our energy on gratitude.
I am grateful for a lot of things, but one of my favorites right now is my son's laughter at the simple things in life. He is two and half, and finds the simplest things so delightful. Just the prospect of going swimming will have him jumping up and down for joy. His simple pleasures, remind me not to take life to seriously and to have fun.
What are you grateful for? Please leave a comment.
To develop gratitude in your life, Dr. Emmons recommended starting a gratitude journal. He gave three simple steps to increasing the effectiveness of your gratitude journaling.
1. Specificity, be specific about what you are grateful for.
2. Surprise, write about something you received unexpectedly. (Anything from a compliment to a large gift.)
3. Scarcity, wanting now what you may not have later. (Imagine having no money, now how grateful are you for the money that you have?)
My guess is that we can all increase our level of gratitude and decrease our frustrations with our spouses and financial situations, when we start to focus more of our energy on gratitude.
I am grateful for a lot of things, but one of my favorites right now is my son's laughter at the simple things in life. He is two and half, and finds the simplest things so delightful. Just the prospect of going swimming will have him jumping up and down for joy. His simple pleasures, remind me not to take life to seriously and to have fun.
What are you grateful for? Please leave a comment.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
6 Questions to Overcoming Your Ambivalence
Are you at a point in your life where you know you need to move forward but you feel stuck? You know that moving forward has the possibility of upsetting the apple cart, and so you stay where you are instead of moving forward towards your goal. Often times we know we need to move forward but we don't, why is that? Because beyond knowing all the reasons we are supposed change we are also influenced by our emotions, behaviors and relational dynamics. Anytime we are attempting a significant change it involves what we know, we believe, we feel, and they way we interact.
In order to move through your ambivalence and towards change here are six questions to ask your self. If you can have someone else ask you these questions, this experience will be even more powerful. Take a risk and try it.
1. Why would you want to make this change?
2. How might you go about it in order to succeed?
3. What are the 3 best reasons for you to do it?
4. How important is it for you to make this change, and why?
5. So what do you think you'll do?
6. How will your relationships change?
The goal is ultimately to get yourself talking about why you want to make the change.
What decisions leave you stuck most often? Leave a comment.
What decisions leave you stuck most often? Leave a comment.
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