“I don't understand. What do you want from me?” How
often have you uttered those words either out loud or in your head? Being
married can be one of the greatest blessings in life, but at times, we all feel
perplexed trying to understand where our spouse is coming from. This especially
happens when it comes to the family finances, and by now you know your spouse
has a different perspective than you.
Still, you might not really be sure why it is different. You just know it is,
and you struggle to understand where they are coming from. To help move from
uncertainty to clarity about what your spouse wants from the family finances, let’s
consider empathy. Empathy is a way of slowing down and getting to a place in
which you can see the world through your spouse’s eyes. This is a time-honored
skill in the counseling profession and one that I love to use to help me gain
better insight into my own marriage.
The art of empathy sounds easy, but the true
practice is difficult. Empathy is completely about the other person’s experience
- not your interpretation, but rather as if you were walking in their shoes.
Last night, as I was taking a public speaking class
by Casey Truffo, she shared with us an empathy map that includes six questions to
help you move from your own experience to the experience of another person. For
the purposes of this article lets think about family finances.
The Six Empathy Questions
1. What do they say?
2. What do they think?
3. What do they feel?
4. What do they want?
5. What do they not want?
6. What are they afraid of?
Taking the time to slow down and think through and
answer these questions as if you were your spouse will give you great insight into
their thinking. Writing down the answers to these questions will bring even
greater clarity. People change not because you want them to, but rather for
their own motivations and reasons. It is important that in working through your
difficult family finance conversations that you first seek to understand where
your spouse is coming from.
Try answering the above questions as a couple. Center
your conversation on a common family finance frustration, but not while you are
not already heated up.
It is always amazing to me, and even harder for me
to explain, but when a couple becomes empathetic toward each other, solutions
appear that they could have never imagined, nor could I have imagined. Giving
your relationship room for empathy allows it the space it needs for you to make
rational decisions about what is best for moving forward.
For example, let’s take John and Sally, who have a
17-year -old son Jake who’s headed off for college next year. John wants to
cover the full tuition, but Sally is resistant to that idea because she paid
her way through college.
John Steps into Sally's shoes and answers the six
questions
1. Sally says, “I worked my way through college,
and I can't see why Jake can't do the same. He has managed a part-time job and
kept good grades in high school.”
2. Sally –thinks, “Working during college will help
Jake develop the discipline he will need to survive in the working world.”
3. Sally –feels anxious that Jake won't take
college seriously if John and Sally pay for the whole thing.
4. Sally wants Jake to feel confident in his
ability to work and manage multiple responsibilities.
5. Sally –doesn’t want to jeopardize her and
John's financial security so that Jake can get through college.
6. Sally is –fearful that paying for Jake's college
in full will create an entitled son who doesn't appreciate the value of hard
work.
Sally Steps into John's shoes and answers the six
questions
1. John –says, “My parents paying for college was
the best gift I ever received. It allowed me to focus on my studies and get
great grades, which then allowed me to apply to a top-tier graduate school.”
2. John –thinks, “Paying for Jake's school will
give him opportunities to enjoy campus life and have time to focus on his
studies.”
3. John –feels excited about Jake going to school.
4. John –wants to be able to do for Jake what his
parents did for him.
5. John –doesn’t want Jake to miss out on going to
the school of his choice because he feared not being able to pay for it from
his own funds.
6. John is –fearful Jake would take on crushing
loads of debt to go to a good school, and that it would be a burden on him
while he starts his career, forcing him to take a job that is not in alignment
with his dreams.
By John and Sally taking the time to seriously
answer these questions, they came to three valuable conclusions.
1. They have both focused on their own experiences
and expectations but have not talked to Jake about what he wants.
2. They both really do want the best for Jake.
3. They decided that the best way to resolve these
differences was to understand Jake's desires, and then find different funding
sources.
Ultimately, John and Sally acting empathetic toward one another allowed
them to relieve their levels of stress and frustration and work collaboratively
to make a decision that respects all three of their desires.
Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.
Ed Coambs
Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook
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