You
would never marry for money—or would you? You meet the special someone and they
tell you about their line of work. You think to yourself, “Wow this person must
have it going on! I sure would like to get to know them better.” You engage
this person in fun, friendly conversation. Over time the relationship develops
and you decide to get engaged to this amazing person. At the conscious level
you are thinking, “ This person is smart, charming, seems to be doing all the
right things. Why wouldn't I want to be with them”. In return they are thinking
the same thing about you.
So
the relationship progresses and you get married. You think you’ve hit the
jackpot. You met this wonderful person and will spend the rest of your life
together… Until one day you wake up and you realize, “Wow I thought I married this person because I
love them and they make me feel so wonderful.” But things are not always as
they appear.
There
are some professionals that our society holds in high esteem—you know, those
people who will get to live the good life: doctors, lawyers, successful
business professionals, etc. It can all
seem like a wonderful windfall of good fortune, especially if you were not
expecting to marry this type of person. But over time you realize what it looks
like to actually live with someone who’s achieved that level of success.
Sadly,
we often pursue a certain career or someone in that career, because we have an
idealized image of what it would be like to become or be with that person. We
can become blinded by our own idealism of being associated with that title.
Okay, now I know by now you are saying who me, “I would never do that,” and
maybe that’s true. But from my experience we all tend to romanticize certain
types of people. If we are fortunate enough to meet and then "fall in
love" with them, we are in for a rude awakening—they too are people, subject
to their own faults and limitations.
Eventually
you will hit this point of waking up from the idealized image of who you
married, and see them for who they are. Then the hard work of the relationship
begins. Sadly, this is when many couples bail out and say, “This is not who I
married. What happened to that amazing person I met and fell in love with?”
Well the sad reality is that we fell in love with an idealized image of the
person, not the real person. But once we recognize this, then we can start to
effect positive change in ourselves to learn how to love the person who we fell
in love with.
At a
deeper and often unconscious level, we have internalized money messages about
what certain society positions should be able to provide us. There is
often a period of disillusionment when we realize that this person who holds an
idealized position is not as good as they seem. At this very juncture it is
time to lean in and get to know the person behind the profession. They are
likely neither as good or as bad as you might think.
Entering
into this season of life can be challenging and overwhelming. If we put the
position before the person, then the relationship remains shallow and
unfulfilling for both people in the relationship. But given time, and often a
bit of professional help, you can move to a place of loving the person behind
the profession, and then ultimately enjoying the benefits of their position as
well.
In
my next post I will be looking at the effects of what I call the personal boom
and bust cycle.
Written
By: Ed Coambs – Marriage Counselor and Financial Therapist
Edited
By: Joey Glass
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