Money fights in marriage are so common that we are often left to wonder if couples can ever experience “money harmony.” I recently had the chance to ponder that issue when I interviewed Olivia Mellan, who is a trained psychotherapist and has dedicated her career to helping couples develop money harmony in their relationship.(and to helping individuals move toward money harmony as well.) Not only has Olivia worked with couples to overcome their biggest money fights, but she has also coached and spoken to countless personal finance professionals to help them better engage their clients in making great financial decisions. (Since 1996, she has written a monthly column in Investment Advisor magazine–www.ThinkAdvisor.com)
When I asked Olivia why couples fight about money in marriage, she promptly responded that it all boils down to different priorities. Over the years, Olivia has identified a handful of ways that couples become polarized over money, including:
- Saver vs. Spender – The saver seeks to put away as much money as possible, while the spender sees a bright shiny object and buys it immediately.
- Worrier vs. Avoider – The worrier always has money on their mind and they’re afraid of what is to come, while the avoider would rather not think about money at all.
- Money Monk vs. Money Amasser – The money monk sees no value in accumulating money, while the money amasser can’t imagine not accumulating as much money as possible.
- Planner vs. Dreamer – The planner wants practical and realistic steps to accomplishing goals, while the dreamer knows what they want but has no idea how to get there.
- Risk Taker vs. Risk Avoider – The risk taker is not afraid of losing some money in the pursuit of getting a big return, while the risk avoider doesn’t want to lose a dollar in the process of saving.
- Money Merger vs. Money Separatist – The money merger sees the family finances as all going into one bucket, while the money Separatist wants a mine, theirs, and ours bank account (some prefer completely separate money – others want some separate money).
Olivia went on to share that, if couples do not start out with opposing views on money, then in time, they will start to polarize over the use and role of money in their relationships. In couples with empathy and positive communication skills, these differences can complement and balance each other well….allows the couple to create a balanced view and approach to managing household resources. The challenge comes when each person in the relationship does not identify the role they are playing in that partnership, and they are unable to see the other person’s perspective.
To help couples move through their repeating money fights, Olivia offered two great pieces of advice.
1. Gain Insight – Have a conversation/dialogue with money as if it were a person. Tell it how you feel about it and what role it plays in your life. Have it respond to what you write – a dialogue, back and forth. Then, take time to share those thoughts with your spouse.Then, have these internal voices: mom, dad, other strong influences and God/Higher Power/your voice of inner wisdom comment on the dialogue with money.
2. Behavioral - Practice the non-habitual by walking in the other person’s shoes. Some simple examples would be if you buy the groceries let your spouse do that, if you pay the bills let your spouse do that, if you plan the investments let your spouse do that. If you’re the saver, spend money on some immediate pleasure purchase for you or your partner. If you’re the spender, put money in savings, or add to your investments.
3. Practice communicating with empathy and respect in weekly, regular money talks. Agree on a time frame for short, medium and long term goals, and then generate individual lists on your own, several times to see which goals come up again and again. Then merge some of the items on your list, so you feel more aligned in your money and life goals.
It’s going to take work to move toward money harmony in your marriage, but with some time and continuous effort, you can make it a reality. To help you on your journey, check out some of Olivia’s published works.
Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.
Ed Coambs
Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook
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