Celebrations of birthdays, babies, weddings, and holidays always come with great expectations - especially when it comes to our money. Even when the invitation says “no gifts,” there’s always pressure to spend. Recently, I was in a coffee shop and overheard a woman telling a friend over the phone about how her family was going to get mad at her if she didn't spend a hundred dollars on a gift for an upcoming celebration.
Her dilemma raises an interesting question about what to do when someone threatens you with a strong emotion when you don't want to do something. This is where having a healthy sense of boundaries and ownership of emotions can be really beneficial. The reason that people use strong emotions to evoke you into doing something is that they know that it works on you. But when you choose to react differently and let that person own their emotions, then you are free to respond in a way that is congruent with your values.
So, what does this look like in practical terms? Let’s try seeing it through the lens of a hypothetical conversation between our coffee shop friend and her relative.
Family Member: You need to buy Sally a $100 gift for her birthday or I will be so mad at you.
Coffee Shop Woman: You are entitled to your feelings, and I respect that. But I have made the decision to do something different this year.
Family Member: I can't believe you. I am so mad! How can you not buy this gift for Sally?
Coffee Shop Woman: Please know that I love Sally very much, and I am happy to come to her party if you would still like me there.
In their book Boundaries, Doctors Cloud and Townsend provide many great guidelines about establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. They also address eight common myths about setting them. In the case of our coffee shop friend, I think their myth number eight is particularly important.
Myth #8: Boundaries are permanent, and I'm
afraid of burning my bridges.
While the coffee shop woman is saying no to buying a $100 gift for Sally this time, she is not saying no forever. Rather, she is just saying that, right now, it does not make sense for her to purchase the gift. The important thing to remember is that she does not have to justify her reason for making the decision, but rather, she can just own the fact that she has the right to make her own choices about what to do with her money.
Feel free to give me a call to talk more at 980-275-1627.
Ed Coambs
Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook
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