Who wants to waste time fighting about money? Not me
(or you, I presume). Yet, at one point or another during our marriages, we will
in fact face some dispute over money; perhaps multiple disputes. But the
reality is that, when we fight about finances, the conflict tends to be about a lot more than what’s on the
surface.
Let’s revisit the story of Bob and Sally from my previous post. For them, the argument over
money was rooted in the fact that Bob was feeling fearful about his future job stability, and
Sally was still holding on to the pain of not having enough to go around as a
child. Bob wants to get away every once in a while to forget his troubles, but Sally
doesn't want the family to spend any discretionary money because she’d rather
see it all go into their bank account.
If you are like Bob and Sally and find yourself
butting heads with your partner like this, there is hope: you can indeed work
through your arguments. You just might need to consider a new approach.
Try these five actions to help you move away from the topic of money and toward the
feelings, fears and pressures behind the money argument.
1. Remain open-minded and curious about why your
spouse is bringing up the issue. Remember that there are two ways to respond: logically
or emotionally. The reality is that most of us respond with a bit of both, so
we want to acknowledge both the logical and emotional components of our partner’s
perspective.
2. Ask, “When you bring up ____________
about money what do you want me to know?” This will help you to see where your
partner is coming from and hopefully give you a fresh perspective on what they
are really communicating.
3. Ask, “Why is ________________ about money
important to you?” This is important because most of us haven’t ever thought as
much about why something is important to us, we just know that it is.
4. Ask, “What pressures and fears are you
experiencing in life right now that I don’t know about?” This will help you reconnect
with your partner, when life has gotten busy.
5. Communicate with your
spouse that. “When you bring up _____________ about money, it makes me feel _______________.,which causes me to __________________.” This will help you to
connect the dots for your partner about why you are responding the way that you
are. communicate with your partner.
At the end of the day, moving
beyond your money arguments requires growing amounts of empathy and a desire to
truly know your partner for all their strengths and limitations. When the
enevitable money arguments come up, slow down and take your time to really
understand where your partner is coming from, and don’t just presume that you
know because of past experience.
Want advice on starting your own action plan? Give
me a call at 980-275-1627.
Talk to you soon,
Ed Coambs
Edited by Reena Arora of Arora Media, connect on Facebook
For all your communication needs, she is all you need.
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http://marriageandmoneymatters.blogspot.com/2013/12/its-more-than-talking-about-money-it-is.html
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